Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Party On A Cookie

So, today my therapist and I had snack together. And I let her pick. I know, stupid decision. I managed to put it off for almost half the session but she remembered. It turned out being what she called " a party on a cookie". It was actually a cookie with icing and chocolate and sprinkles. Calling it a party made sense. In a weird way but still. It wasn't the easiest experience of my life but certainly wasn't the worst. Minus not knowing the crazy amount if calories...it was actually pretty good. And it gave us a chance to talk about things that have nothing to do with my eating disorder. Like where I want to go to college and what my plans for this week are. Although my fave topic was the weird food combos that each of us eat. It was laughter inducing. I will forever be thankful for my "party on a cookie". I'm kinda scared from it but it gave me a chance to see my therapist as a person.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Monday, April 29, 2013

My Thighs Touch?!?!

Right now is when someone would say "the rollercoaster of life" is going down. But that's super cliche. I prefer the merry go round of life. It just sounds nicer. (Plus I love merry go rounds). Anyway, my life has gone down the tubes as of yesterday. All I've strived for body wise recently is a thigh gap. And I got one. Like a week ago. Now it's gone! I literally cried for an hour when I saw the fat touching each other. I simply can't believe I let this happen. Being myself, I stood in front of the mirror for another hour trying to find a way to stand that made the situation less traumatizing. No luck. So, my only option is to get it back. I can't not have a thigh gap! Or can I not? Obviously I don't need one. But I miss it and I feel like a failure. Must fight through this. Must go and eat breakfast. It'll be ok. It'll be ok.

How do you deal with losing parts of your ed?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

*i did eat breakfast. Blueberry muffin and soy milk..yum!*

Saturday, April 27, 2013

What Is Lost

Certain things are lost when emotions are shown through material items. The actual hole that needs to be filled remains empty. All you gain is more stuff. And of course it makes you happy to ben with but then the effect wears off. My parents are very good at using shopping and other material things to show emotion or ask for forgiveness. But right now...all I want is for someone to straighten my hair for me and talk and eat ice cream. I need that connection and to feel like I will be ok and taken care of. Not taken care of in a little kid sense, but in a I can relax for an hour and not have to worry. There are other people who can do things for me, I don't have to do everything. f I had a choice of how to soend tonight...that is what I would want.

Other things are lost when one is only for themselves. Hillel once said " If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I?" For me the point of that is, we cannot expect others to do everything for us so we must do things for ourselves. But who are we if all we focus on is ourselves? We lose the ability to do tzedakah or charity. We lose the feeling of doing something to help someone else. Those feelings are the greatest of all. ANd we seem to have all but completely lost sight of that fact. People ignore the homeless and eat in front of the hungry. Who are we if all we do is help ourselves? Everyone is equal in the end of it all, we are all human and we are suposed to see each other in that light. Why is it looked at as a crazy action to hand someone on the street, a dollar? Or buy them food? Isn't that what we would want if the roles were reversed?

A line from the d'var Torah I heard today has stuck with me and made me think; "you shall have the same law for stranger as citizen". When it was said n the speech it was meant to be said as fairness between Jews and gentiles. For me, I look at it as person to person. No grouping or classification. We should treat people as people. I feel like humanity as a whole has lost sight of that. And that is an incredible loss.

We have lost true feelings, the ability to give, and knowing that humans are humans. Maybe the Mayans were right. The world didn't physically end but the concept of "humanity". People kill and steal and judge. We are alive but dead. It's the end of what we think to be humane and right. And to me that is worse than a physical destroying of the world. It leaves nothing to truly be lived for. And that is awful.

What do you feel has been lost?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

My Thoughts On Pro-Ana

I decided to write this post in response to a blog I read on Empowered Eating that spoke about the dangers of pro-Ana content. I happen to be a huge proponent of the pro-Ana community and the purpose it can serve. Don't get me wrong, what it emphasizes isn't a healthy way of life.. But it provides something that people with eating disorders so desperately want. A community. No, it is not a healthy or positive one but it is a community. It is full of people with similar mindsets and ideals. All wanting to reach their ultimate goal weight or UGW. I have been active pro-Ana member for years through tumblr, pinterest, instagram and as a member of prettythin.com. Would I recommend this group of people to someone without an eating disorder or a disordered mind? Absolutely not. But for someone like me who just needed to know that I wasn't  alone with my thoughts...it has been a source of comfort. A very important one. It is a place where I can openly say " I ate so much...like a whole X amount of calories. Need to restrict for the week. Who wants to be my partner?' and get responses form girl and boys who want what I want. There's no shame attached, everyone has the same goal with different specifics. Personally, I don't see a problem with pro-Ana sites and content. It doesn't glorify eating disorders, it just lets sufferers find each other. And that can be a very important part. There's also a huge acceptance of people leaving to recover. Those people are celebrated so much! I've had pro-Ana friends post and say "thank you all for being here for me but now it is my time to recover take care". And the response is huge because they feel strong enough to escape. This is why I don't hate pro-Ana. On the inside it is just a community so don't judge it without being a part.

What are your thoughts on the pro-ana community?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Finding Myself is Tricky Business

Self-expression is a funny thing. We are constantly told to be ourselves but then restraints are put on what we can be. Whether by society or our parents. For instance, my mom hates piercings but I love them and I like to express that. So, for my 18th birthday I'm going to get my nose pierced. Would I prefer to go with my mom? Yes. Can I? No. My self-expression doesn't fit her mold. Or what about people who dye their hair the colors of the rainbow...they like it. But society mocks them for choosing an unconventional route for expression. How do we become ourselves if we belong to others? How can I walk out of the house feeling like myself if I'm not allowed? When did self-expression die?

How do you like to express yourself? If given the option to express yourself in anyway you wanted would you choose an eating disorder?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

** the last question is more posed towards myself. I often find that when I can express myself the way I choose, I am less likely to act on ed symptoms**

What I Want From Recovery (inspired by Kait Fortunato RD)

As my admittance into inpatient draws closer, I was tasked with figuring out what I want to gain from going and getting the opportunity to ultimately recover. There are quite a few things that come to my mind immediately. The following list is in order of priority. Well mostly...somethings are a tie...

Cheerleading
College
My license
Freedom to eat what I want
No more calorie counting
Healthy relationships
Less therapy
To be happy with myself
To help others see that recovery exists.


There is definitely more to this list. But I think it's a good starting place. The fact is that my eating disorder has taken a lot from me. More than it has given to me. And it's time for me to take control of my life and what I want.

I believe in full recovery. Do you?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Saturday, April 20, 2013

A Picture Can Say A Thousand Words

I went through so many emotions today.... So many that I couldn't figure out how to put it into words. Therefore I am going to post a group of photos that I feel show every emotion I went through today.

How do you like to express emotion?

Stay Strong
xo Aria


I went from incredibly upset and not being to smile to laughing for hours. It was incredible.
















Friday, April 19, 2013

Watching Crumbling Spirits

The spirit has been shattered

By forces unknown

Broken and scarred

Left for dead with stories untold

It had so much potential

Before it drowned

Crushed by the pressures

Of the outside world



It is scary to see the life drain from someone. To watch someone lose all hope. To see their eyes go dead. I can tell the exact minute a person loses their light. When they lost the hope they once held so dear. Sometimes I can see it in myself. When smiles become more forced and lose all hope for accomplishment. Your face changes, your movements change, your actions change. The spirits in you are literally crumbling. It always kills me to watch that happen to someone else. But I didn't realize that people paid that much attention to me. Until tonight. Someone literally told me they saw all my spirit fading away and that it scared them. And I couldn't argue because they are right. Tehy have lost a lot of hope. And a lot of myself.  I know what I want to do after senior year, but I also know that I cannot do what I want. There goes that hope. Four people told me last week that no college would ever accept me, there goes that hope. And now  don't even know how my life will be when I get out of treatment, there goes any hope of living how I truly want. I have no spirit left. I am completely drained and just kind of want to cry but have nothing in me. What would I even be crying about? Mourning the loss of the life I envision? Seems like a waste of tears at this point. Just writing this paragraph makes me want to hug the person writing it...until I realize that it's me. Right now I am the person who's light has gone out. The person who needs someone to help lift them up but can't ask. My spirit has crumbled.

How do you let yourself be lifted up?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Responsibility For Others

Just to start off I need to point out that I don't have my driver's license. So, today I was volunteering at an elementary school and was talking to my old art teacher. Seeing as I am seventeen she asked if I had my license and of course I told her no and I don't know if I plan on getting it. TO which she decided to give me a lecture on why I need my license to be successful in life. Later while trying to figure out why I don't want my license I realized that it's because I don't like the concept of other's lives being in my hands and mine being in theirs. The idea that I could kill someone in a split second all because of accidentally pushing the wrong pedal...terrifies me. I don't want to be responsible for the misfortune of others. I cannot stand that type of guilt. Even when parents tell me I gave their child an eating disorder and I know that it isn't possible, it eats at me forever. Being literally responsible for someones pain doesn't seem worth any cost. I would much rather walk or take public transit than know i could easily kill tons of innocent people.

I wonder if this is why I refuse to get rid of friendships that I know are toxic. Most of those friends have told me that if I fall or leave them or what have you then they won't be able to physically live anymore and I know I cannot live with that on me. I don't even drive or anything and it scares the bejeezus out of  me.

Responsibility for others is not something I can take lightly. And I should probably just accept that part of myself.

Do any of you have similar problems with others? OR even with taking responsibility for yourselves?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Yay for Life (Sarcasm)

Watching my entire life fall apart is becoming extremely exhausting and trying to remain positive is becoming so hard. Within a week I lost my best friend, found out I failed a class, and got a basic treatment intake date. My world is literally falling to pieces in front of my face. I almost cut today..I stopped..but I seriously considered it. I have fought so hard to stop self-harming and now the urges are back. I am trying so hard to push through this. But now I'm worried that in leaving for treatment, more of my friends will leave and I will come back to nothing. I'm worried that I will never get to go to college. And I don't even know what I want out of treatment anymore. Last week, I was so so recovery positive but now I kinda just want to waste away and be nothing. Nothing is better than being seen breaking down. I mean I guess it is. I'm not quite ready to give up, but I'm not sure fighting will get me anywhere anymore. I've fought like a bitch for weeks and it got me nowhere. Gosh this post is so negative. I would like to point out that there are some really good things going on too. Running for USY president, talking to Kaitlyn Wozniak, and seeing friends I haven't seen in forever. I just don't know if they outweigh the bad. It's a good thing I don't sleep so I can think this through. This needs to be figured out before I can move onto other things...like all the actual things I need to do. You know? Like actual life things? Unless you count these as actual life things but I don't just mindless things that happen to make life a living hell for a few weeks. Good thing one of my fave sayings is that without the bad in our lives, we wouldn't be able to recognize the good. SO, hopefully when my head is clear, I will see how good things can be. Fingers crossed. I don't even know what the point of this post was. Just venting...anybody else having a crappy week? Or a really good one that they want to share???

What do you do to get yourself out of a major upsetting mindset?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Who's There and Who Isn't

"Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts." - Margaret Lee Runbeck

Today I learned true friendship. I realized just invaluable friends are. And I came to find that having better friends is much more fun than having tons of friends. This morning I learned that my best friend and I aren't going to be as close as we have been. Looking back...I could have seen it coming. Easily. But I didn't. This afternoon I hung out with one of bestest friends. And for part of the time, we didn't even talk. We didn't need to. The silence wasn't awkward. It was ok. We talked about serious things and laughed our butts off. We took tons of pictures and played on the playground. We planned out our senior year. We just were. This isn't somebody I see everyday or even every week. But it is somebody I would be incredibly sad without. True friendship isn't made up of having similar interests and seeing each other all the time, it's about having so much fun together and not being afraid to be silent. True friendship is incredible. I have plenty of friends but only a handful of true ones. I honestly don't know what I would do without all of you. And knowing that when I come back from treatment you will all still be there means the world to me. I love you guys. 

And Dana, I promise to never make homemade macaroni and cheese EVER again. 

Katrina, you've been there when nobody else was...thank you.

Tabitha, I love you to the moon and back, stay strong.

Liam, even though I don't understand half of what you say...every time your name comes up I smile.

Gila, your hugs and words on Sunday brought tears to my eyes.

Becca, you have a blog dedicated to you...so you know I love you.

Heather...oh Heather...we are lesbian lovers for life. That is all.

Sarah and Elena, you two are people I hadn't seen for years and yet we picked up right where we left off and that amazes me.

Tori...tbh I don't know where we stand right now but I love you and I'm here for you.

What does friendship mean to you?

Stay Strong
xo Aria




Sunday, April 14, 2013

Life in Mario Land and Hogwarts

This weekend I barely left the synagogue. Friday night was Harry Potter Shabbat. The entire building was decorated like Hogwarts and we dressed as the characters. Everyone got into the spirit and had so much fun. Food wasn't a big deal. Even to me. My friend Sarah and I were tired of the food so we went and ate TONS of candy. Just because we wanted to. When in Hogwarts right? It just doesn't always matter. I didn't gain weight overnight and I had fun with a great friend. Plus candy is yummy. That night in Hogwarts was a big moment for me. I realized that just as the magic came to life in everybody's eyes...I felt it too. I felt better, I realized that nobody cares what I look like. My friend is shorter than me and weighs more but she loves herself and always have. I can do that too. All it takes is faith and a little wizardry. Today we had a Mario USY event. We had whipped cream pie eating contests, and jellybean eating contests, and made cupcakes. Plus ate other food. And you know what....I don't care. I had a blast with my friends. And it was worth EVERY calorie. Mario world is all about fun after all.I guess this post doesn't have much of a point other than that sometimes an epiphany can go a really long way. And you never know when it will come.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Grocery Shopping Adventures

So, at my last therapy session we talked about the fact that I need certain foods in my house. Which of course got my therapist to challenge me to go grocery shopping this weekend. I did. It was terrifying. But I got through it and am so proud of myself. Like incredibly proud. This post is going to be a guide for your grocery shopping adventure. Not saying you need to follow this but I did all of it and it was super helpful. So, here we go.


  1. MAKE A LIST. But actually make a full out, detailed list. It makes so that you get exactly what you need and creates a lot less anxiety then going in empty handed. Otherwise, you might as well stand outside and hope food magically comes to you. (I have tried, it doesn't work).
  2. Breathe...a lot. And then breathe some more.
  3. Get foods that you are semi-comfortable with. For me I find vegetarian and gluten-free foods easier. So, I buy gluten-free pasta and veggie burgers. I don't know why...I just prefer it.
  4. Allow yourself to look around and see how calm everybody else is. It is always a huge eye opener for me when I notice how little other people seem to care about food.
  5. When you get home, make a plan for when you will eat what. That way you don't have to make split second decisions on new food items.
  6. Breathe. It'll all be ok.
What are your grocery shopping tips?

Stay Strong 
xo Aria

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Weight of the World

Today, I fell apart. Today, I broke down on the grass outside. Today, I wiped away the tears and kept going. Today, I realized just how busy I am. I haven't slept in four days. Not because of food or my body or anything like that. But simply because I have so much to do. There's like no need to sleep. I volunteer, intern, am on USY board, do theatre, and have school work. On top of being a teenager with an eating disorder. Today, my facade broke. And that's okay. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. Sometimes, I just cannot handle it anymore. Which is when it is okay to cry and when it can be okay to say no. Yes, I know a commitment is a commitment and letting go of those is hard. But sometimes you can't do everything. As I fell apart, and listed everything I have to do, someone offered to take something over for me. I felt so guilty about it. I still do. And I told them that. So, they said fine you aren't turning t down, I am taking it and that is that. I couldn't argue. I had most of what needed to be done, already done. But they could see me breaking from stress and refused to let me be so overwhelmed that I couldn't help myself. While talking through it...I realized and was told that sometimes you need to write out a list and prioritize or that the weight of the world isn't on me and I can sleep. So, below I will post my to-do list from now till Sunday plus my overall priorities. Hopefully y'all can keep me accountable. Feel free to comment with your to-do lists!

Overall Priorities
  • Recovery
  • USY/ Friends
  • Theatre/School
  • Interning
  • Volunteer work
  • Job Search
Thursday:
  1. Eat
  2. Plan May USY Event
  3. Practice Theatre Song
  4. Finish Decorating for Harry Potter Shabbat
Friday
  1.  Eat
  2. Go To Tutoring
  3. Help With Harry Potter Shabbat
  4. Have A Sleepover With My Friend
Saturday
  1. Eat
  2. Go To Theatre
  3. Go Shopping With My Friend
  4. Do Homework
Sunday
  1. Eat
  2. Help With Shorashim/Bonim Event
  3. Help Set-Up USY Event
  4. Go To USY Event
To-Do Lists Can BE A Life Saver. How do you use them?

Stay Strong 
xo Aria

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Freedom

Today is Yom HaShoah or Holocaust Remembrance Day. As I was looking through cards on Thursday that were addressed to the Danish people (they helped save thousands of Jews), a certain quote struck me. The quote, said by Carrie Jones, is "The secret of happiness is freedom, and the secret of freedom is courage". I wasn't sure why this quote meant so much to me. I easily put it in to context for the Holocaust. But then I realized that it meant something, because it is true. Completely. It is something that has been said to me countless times by treatment professionals and friends. It relates to addiction and eating disorders and well life.

In terms of eating disorders, it is said that you cannot be truly happy while having it and that even though it is scary... you must let go to be free. Which takes immense courage. So, each time you have the courage and strength to not act on a behavior, you are a step closer to freedom, making you a step closer to happiness. I know that sounds super simple. But in the end, it is. We won't be happy till we are free, but being scared keeps us form being free. What if the Danes had decided it was too risky to save the Jews? Thousands more people would have died. They helped others gain their freedom and brought themselves happiness. That is so courageous..I am actually speechless while thinking about it.

Today I read the entire book, "Tuesdays with Morrie". If any of you have read it, then you understand that it was the perfect day to read this book. In it Morrie says that until you learn to die, you cannot learn to live. Part of me wonders if the Danish people saw death approaching and knew they had to take the leap so they could feel alive. Did the people in the concentration camps finally see what life meant when it was taken from them? How come with eating disorders, this isn't necessarily true? I know people who have actually stared death in the face and still chose to not live fully out of fear.

This thought confused me all day until now. Morrie didn't mean that you had to almost die to learn to live. He meant that you had to accept morality and live life knowing you could die anytime, so you might as well live. He was trying to show how fragile life is, even when you seem to be perfectly healthy. Morrie was dying, but he felt free. He was determined to live even if only mentally. Nothing weighed him down, he accepted feelings but let them leave. He was free from his diagnosis until his final breath.

Freedom is being at peace with what life is, a series of unfortunate events, with good things tossed in and a series of incredible events with bad things tossed in. Either way without courage and acceptance...you will not be free.

What does freedom mean to you?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Dear My Therapist

First off l, I want to say that I am writing this as a blog post because I cannot always find words and because I don't want to hand you a letter. There are so many things I want to tell you and either I don't articulate them well or you don't listen.... But either way I will write some of them here.

1. I can see the concern in your eyes during some of our conversations. I can tell that you care. I also notice when your body language changes. You do a good job of hiding when you feel worried or uncomfortable or anything kind of unpleasant. But I notice. And I thought you should know.

2. I understand why you want me to go back to treatment. I actually do listen: sometimes I don't understand but I try. I know I don't always do the healthiest thing. But I can tell you that I am eating and eating on meal plan. I can tell you that babysitting tonight I ate the same foods I made the kids. And that even though there is guilt, I got through it. It's amazing what little kids and a good book can do.

3. A lot of the time when I tell you how things affect me, I don't want them analyzed. I just want to feel validated ( see earlier post "screaming through the tears"). Point being why express emotion if my emotion is always wrong?

4. The fact that you seem to believe in me.... Means everything. No therapist had ever told me I could recover. Just like when I said how nobody told me starving was necessarily unhealthy but that there are healthier ways to live. I don't lie when it comes to that sort of thing.

And finally...

5. I haven't lied about food in a long time. It's about time you trust me about it. I can't lie to you about it anymore than I can lie to Bobbi. And I can't.

.....

I really hope all of you can find a therapist that you trust. Have any of you tried to communicate other than verbally?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Friday, April 5, 2013

Inspiration

Inspiration can be found in the simplest of places. In celebrities, in family, in a book, and of course in yourself. Finding inspiration for recovery is really hard for me. There are just days and days where I see absolutely no reason to fight. Right now, a lot of the people closest to me don't believe I am eating.The problem being that for the first time, I actually am eating. I understand that scales don't lie and whatever but I am actually fueling my body. It is so hard to find inspiration to fight when nobody believes you. My main inspiration is 100% Demi Lovato. She has saved me so many times without even knowing it. The fact that she overcame it, tells me I can too. The only problem is that when Demi talks about her family in interviews, they seem so supportive and wanting to help. don't feel that way towards my family. So, my inspiration can only go so far.

I guess my only other inspiration is all the little kids I babysit. Watching little kids is the most incredible experience. You get to see when they are tired but still want to stay up. You get to see their eyes light up when you give them a cookie. You get to have them curl up in your lap while you read a book. These kids still have the capacity to think for themselves and around societal norms. They see the beauty in everything. I want that ability back.

What inspires you to recover?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Screaming Through The Tears

You know those times when all you want is for someone to hug you and say that everything will be okay? What about when that need is never met? How does it make you feel?

For me, it's the worst feeling in the world when your feelings are not validated.

What about when you are so upset and the person you are with just yells at you through it? You can hardly hear yourself breathe because all you hear is how much you didn't do. And how other people have it worse. My favorite is when parents see you upset and only say "yeah because your life is just so hard". Just because other people have struggles, doesn't make mine or your's any less real or important.

Today, I hadn't planned on eating, at all. I did end up eating everything I needed to. But had no intention of such when I first woke up. After eating dinner, which I was upset enough about, my youth director, her husband, and their friend, started whispering about my meal plan and me and whatnot. I don't even know why it bothered me, but it did. I went into my room and just cried under the blanket. After like ten minutes, my youth director knocked on the door and asked to come in. She came in and did something I wasn't expecting but couldn't appreciate more.

SHE DID NOT YELL AT ME. She actually validated that my feelings were ok and laid down with me and hugged me and told me how proud she is. It was the first time in so long that I felt validated and that I wasn't yelled at or lectured while I was upset. It was so nice. And so different.

Normally after a day like today I would plan to not eat tomorrow, but I have no plan of the sort. I have no want to hurt myself tonight. My feelings are okay. They mean something. It is possible to be understood.

I don't know what I would do with the support of my youth director and her family. She is more than my youth director, she's my friend. That friendship means the world to me.

Who in your life gives you the validation that you need?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Time to Play Catch Up

I know I haven't blogged in quite a few days. It's been a long week. This week was Passover and I kept it. I haven't had bread or rice or any complex carbs really for a week. It's weird because I'm terrified of carbs but I missed them so much. I think it had to do with the fact that I didn't have the option if eating them. I was forced to avoid them without my own say. But I'm not sure. On the other hand I had the most amazing weekend with my best friend. We went to Williamsburg and Busch Gardens. We ate tons of Nutella and froyo. It was amazing. This has been a long week and certainly a test of whatever recovery I have under my belt but I wouldn't change it for the world. It was wonderful. My best friend means the world to me and I don't know what I would do without her. And sometimes it's that person that you need to push you. She is my reason to try and recover. Or at least one of them. She herself is recovering and we will do it together.

Who or what is your motivation?

Stay Strong
xo Aria