Fear Foods

For the first time in a few weeks, I took a look at my Fear Foods Checklist and I realized,well, two things. One, I had a few things to cross off (!!!!) and that some of the ones I am still scared of are a little silly. Not saying that I will be able to eat all of them any time soon but some of them...really just make no sense. Actually none of them make sense. Why am I scared? And what am I scared of? I suppose it could be because I seriously don't trust myself or my body. So, feeding it foods that I have avoided for so long is a little terrifying. I don't know how it will respond to them. I don't know if I will all of a sudden gain tons of weight and that's why I refuse to touch them. But I am getting better. The real meaning for this post wasn't to tell you all about the fact that I have fear foods ( little obvious) but to help myself see some light in the darkness that has been the last couple weeks. This relapse has majorly affected my mental state and I just have felt so helpless and like nobody can help me and that I am going to die from this. However, even though my weight may have suffered a little and I haven't been the greatest person...I still managed to get past some major things and that is awesome! And nobody did it for me, yes I was pushed, but ultimately I did it. I did this for myself and I can come back from this. I can save myself. I just need to surrender to the process. I did before and I can again. So, no I am not on the greatest path right now but I can fix that and get myself back, just like how I can eat those things again with a ton less anxiety. I think I got this. I just need a little more hope.

Light in the darkness can be nice.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

English 12....I'm a Senior!!!!

Yep I am officially a high school senior. Which means English 12. And English is my favorite subject...so this is very exciting. As I like to share my little favorite things with you all, I thought I would share my first English assignment with you! My job was to write a letter to my teacher telling her about myself. So, here it is. (Keep reading after for an update on my recovery....or lack thereof)!

**

Dear, Mrs.X

      I feel, as a high school senior, that I should have tons of amazing things to tell you about myself. However, I don’t think I do. But I will tell you what comes into my mind when asked to describe myself. I love reading anything and everything; I could easily spend hours in a library. I strongly believe in complete self-expression and letting people know who you are. My friends are my life, I love each of them for different things and they are the reason I made it this far. I don’t believe in free time, it drives me crazy. I take great pride in my own personal appearance and how people view me. I think how people think is utterly fascinating and watching them talk about what they love is the beautiful moment. Just like everyone I see during my day, I’m figuring myself out.

    My free time, or lack thereof, is taken up with everything that makes me feel whole. Weeks consist of theatre at Drama Learning Center, gymnastics practice, writing for my blog, volunteering for the Special Olympics, being with friends, and working at Columbia Gymnastics. Theatre and gymnastics are the true loves of my life. There is something so freeing about them in totally different ways. Theatre is self-expression and performance while gymnastics is possibly the most challenging and heart wrenching sport, but I love it. You get to fly and learn to surpass all the limits you set for yourself. I do keep a blog of the things that go on in my life and it has about five thousand views on it. Every day it surprises me that people actually care about what I have to say. It truly shows just how much power one person has in the world.

    I am on my youth group board as the Executive Vice President and that took up most of my summer, along with everything else I do. I spent about 40 hours a week in my synagogue working and planning for the year. Towards the end of the summer I went away to the beach for a week with my family and boyfriend. It was the best time. Being the highly perfectionistic person that I am, it was the first time in a while that I just let my hair down. My summer ended with Encampment with my youth group where my team won color war and my friends and I ate legitimately two pounds of Twizzlers.

     Lastly, I like to live my life my quotes. Whether it be little popular ones like “Stay Strong” or longer ones like “ For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.” (Audrey Hepburn). I just feel as if things are said for a reason and can truly push us forward. I use different ones for different circumstances. To end this letter I will leave you with my favorite for life, “ Good, better, best, never let it rest. Until your good is better and your better is best.”

 ***

SO, as promised a little life update. This past week has been really rough food wise. I was supposed to gain a certain amount of weight by today....and let's just say it didn't happen. I don't know what is getting to me. I can do this. I know I can. At least I hope so. 

How do you hold on to hope? and how would you describe yourself?

Stay Strong

xo Aria

My Sport

I know I made a previous post about my love for gymnastics but it's been a while so here's another. Before I start let me give you the background. My dietitian and I are discussing what the sport is, not literally but to the athletes. The first paragraph will be what I said and the second will be her response.

Ok. This sport is the most gut wrenching, analytical, death defying, hard ass sport. It takes pointing your toes till they cramp and your hands ripping and countless leos and sports bras and pounds of chalk and hours of training. Everything is analyzed. From how high you jump to how long you hold a handstand. It becomes your everything and how you see everything. But it is also the most rewarding and incredible sport. You learn things that seem impossible and push yourself more than everyone else. You buy ankle weights and tape your hands. You have jackets and watch the Olympics religiously. It is a life. Not a sport. And yes it is analytical... but only after. In the moment you are flying. This is what I love. Gymnastics is having the strength to hold on and the courage to let go.

So is recovery. Strength to hold on to hope and belief of a free life  and to hold on to recovery when it becomes unbearable and courage to let go of what has become your everything, your ed.

I just think that she put a really interesting spin on it.

What do you think?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Possible Suicide and Starting Over

I know I haven't blogged in a while, and I am sorry. My life has been so hectic. Totally not an excuse but whatever. Point is, a lot has happened.

Saturday night...I drank. For a few reasons; one being to escape and another because quite frankly everyone around me was drinking too. I had a great time at the party and being drunk but the after effects were not so great. It made me super suicidal and to be quite honest I still am a little. I feel so hopeless and just don't know how much longer I can fight. I have been relapsing so hard. I'm down so much...and food is becoming harder and harder. Recovery just seems so far away. The good news is that I am still here and am not going anywhere.

I did however get to start over this week as well. Specifically today. Today was the first day of my senior year. I was there. I didn't have a mental breakdown over going. I did it. And nobody asked me about last year.. I got to start over. And that feels so nice. Not gonna lie, I did get a couple comments on my weight. But they weren't what I expected. Actually they really threw me for a loop. Point being, I made it to being a senior, I turned in all my college info, I saw friends, and met new ones....I got a fresh start without leaving my school.

Go Lions Class of 2014!

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Eat... Please?

Eat
Please eat
Let your body live
I know your mind is messy
I know the scale is hurting you        
Just eat
Eat
Let your self love
I know it feels like the end
I know you want to see bones
Eat ok?
Please just eat
Your bones will still be there
I promise they won't be crushed
I promise the fat won't hurt you
Eat
Put the food in
Let yourself smile again
Let yourself laugh
Stop starving
Eat
Deep down there is a little girl
She grew up way too fast
Let her out
Eat
She is starving
Under the fragile bones         
Under the bruises
Please eat
Eat
She needs you
You see her in pictures and dreams
She doesn't care what size her hips are
Eat
Pick up the fork
Let yourself fight
Let yourself have dreams
Eat     
Keep it down
Fight to live
Fight to follow your dreams
Fight for the self that wants to live
Let go
Eat

Stay Strong
xo Aria

*** I know these posts are a little out of character. ... I'm trying to process

Jeans and Scissors

Today my treatment team came to my house. The reason: to help me dispose of things related to my eating disorder. We originally were going to burn them but instead we cut it up. And here is how I'm feeling about it.

Possible TW

That everything I've starved for and alll the self hatred and harming has been for nothing. That now all I know to be true is torn and ripped and gone. And I've wasted all this time and energy to have it taken from me. That I'm just gonna keep getting fatter and have nothing to stop myself with. I don't have a scale. Those were my scales. And now they're gone. Yeah maybe I'll get to be a college cheerleader. Which has been my dream since I was like 5. But I'll be fat doing it. Hell you saw me in a sports bra. I'm already fat. And now all the things I used to keep me skinny are gone. And I want to curl up and cry and shut down and be done but I can't.  I've made too many promises to do that. And senior year is starting. Plus college like this sounds awful. But wasted was the one book that told me that maybe recovery is possible. I don't know anybody elses story. Minus demi. And my weight charts reminded me that I was once skinny. And my thinspo was my baby. It made me feel better. And that's gone. My jeans were ky measuring tools and that dress made me feel pretty. And now that's gone too.

Needless to say. I'm drained.

My dietitan asked me to blog about how it could be good for me to let go so I guess it should be on here. By letting go of the jeans and dress and journal it's I guess like letting go of shackles. It feels a little freeing. Like I can do other things now. So I understand why they had me do it. I just don't know anymore.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

So evidently this happened

Soooo by mistake I erased my most favorite blog post. So I got it back in screenshot form! Hope you like it!

What Makes Me So Special?

We all have those beliefs that we hold to be true no matter what. For me, my strongest one is that there is good in everybody. EVERYBODY. So, that begs the question of well...what about myself? If someone told me to name 3 good things about myself I would freeze. I always say there is nothing good about me. Which must make me pretty darn special to be excluded by my own belief system. Or maybe I just haven't taken the time to realize the good things in myself. So, let's see if I can. I must be able to think of at least one good thing about myself. Oh! If someone needs help, I am the first person to step up. I will volunteer for anything. If I wasn't Jewish I would do Habitat for Humanity in like 3 seconds. Seriously.

Another example of this is when I say that I deserve to be miserable. But nobody else deserves to feel pain and be sad. Everybody else should know what it feels like to be happy. Well, what makes me so special that I need to be sad and feel awful all the time? Just saying.

Everybody says to focus on what makes you special and that's nice. But sometimes I think we need to look at what makes us human. We all have good in us and deserve the best. A person is a person after all.

Next time you wonder...why me? Wonder why not me? Everybody feels things...both good and bad.

I think when I get all philosophical....it's time for bed.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Relapse and the Gym

Relapse....and the gym. Wow those two don't normally go together for me. But today they did. As much as I would like to say that my relapse was short and over and I never want to turn back. However, when I made this blog I promised myself I wouldn't lie on it. To you guys out there. So, in all honesty I'm not totally out of this relapse. Food is still really really hard and I keep losing my conditioning privileges but mostly my mind is just everywhere. One minute I want to purge and starve and OD and just be done. Then the next I want my senior year and to do gymnastics and go to college and be done with my friend Ana. Who apparently has been popping up a lot lately according to my treatment team. The great thing about my life right now is that I have other things in it besides my eating disorder. Including going to the gym. The gym is so important to me. It's my home (that and the stage). The saying "home is where is the heart is"? Is how I define the places I call home. Something about doing tons of conditioning and wishing I could tumble on a fractured ankle, reminded me why I fight. I fight so I can do these things. I fight so that I can do a back handspring or right now 40 squats with a medicine ball. Am I happy I relapsed? No. It is making my life a superb hell. Especially getting my intake back up. But I did learn something from this. I am stronger than I think. Physically and mentally. The tears on my hands and the boot on my foot may seem like weakness to some. But to me, it shows me how far I have come. A year ago I was in treatment in Arizona. I was being forced to eat and then sit and sit. Now I am almost two months out of treatment. Coming out of a pretty big relapse. But I am HERE. I am able to function. Kinda. Enough that I walked into that gym this afternoon and took a sigh of relief. I looked in the mirror by the water fountain and said "let's do this". Will I be sore as anything tomorrow? Ummm yeah. My weight won't be an issue when I step on the scale. And that for once is a sigh of relief. I have a youth group trip next week and planning for it this week, I see my coach again on Thursday, and school starts in like two weeks. And I am going to be there for all of it.  I am going to push through this. My team may have to help me. And I may have to ask for help. But I believe in myself. I can do this. I can pull myself out of this relapse. I can be a senior, a gymnast, and a thespian. Or I can be whatever I feel like. Who knows?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Old Habits Die Hard

So, a part of my story that I rarely share is that in the depths of my eating disorder I was highly addicted to exercise. As I strive to avoid triggering people, I won't provide specifics. But let's just say I went above and beyond no matter the circumstance. I would exercise around stores, while sick, even during my school lunch period. Exercise was necessary. I'm sharing this now because as the title indicates... I never totally got over it. I was forced to quit when put inpatient and nobody ever brought it up again. That is until very recently. Seeing as I'm back in gymnastics, conditioning has become part of my daily life.  Without using numbers it basically involves things like sit ups and planks. Exercises to build up strength. The issue is, that it has become necessary in my head. I fractured my ankle and have still been conditioning every day. I've been relapsing and still exercising. Well, my dietitian has decided that I can't condition till I see her on Saturday and my weight is stable. That's a really long time for me. And the anxiety is overwhelming.  I haven't felt this way since my first week inpatient. I have an intense need to get rid of some of the calories I have consumed. Almost to the point of wanting to start purging. I won't because I promised my dietitian but the thought is beyond prevalent. Exercise has just become so important. I'm shaking while writing this because I know I should be exercising. I guess I should have guessed that since I never got over this to begin with that it would bite me in the butt eventually. The sit ups were getting me through meals because at least my stomach wouldn't get too huge but now it's gonna become gigantic. I am TERRIFIED. I know that my therapist wants me to learn to sit through anxiety...which is stupid and I know my dietitian is just trying to help me make weight... which is nice of her... but still this makes me want to cry and drink and hide and everything possible to get rid of the feeling. I can't stand it. And now I'm going to get so fat.  Ugh. And to top it all off I found an old picture of myself on pinterest. And I want to look like that again. But I can't without starving and exercising. And till Saturday I am banned from both.

What do you do when old habits come back?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Oh Ana..Ana..Ana

Today I put my dietitian in control of my food. And to be quite honest... it was awful. I feel so emotionally drained.  And I have nobody to turn to. Or at least it feels that way. As I can't actually curl up in a ball and shake. .. I decided to write a letter instead.  A letter to my eating disorder.  Because there is so much I want to say. I won't post it here since it could easily be triggering. Living without my eating disorder just seems like hell. And I don't know if I can do it. But I also can't live with it. So this puts me in an interesting situation. I actually don't know where to turn anymore...

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Well August Came and So Did Relapse

Happy August everybody! Since most of you don't know me that well, I'm gonna tell you something.  I LOVE the fall. I love how the weather is just perfect and it's sweater weather and you can wear jeans. I love how the leaves change color and fall on the ground. I love trying to step on the crunchy ones and jumping into huge piles. I love the fall. And August is when it all starts. And yes school starts too. Which isn't wonderful but I get to see my friends that I've missed all summer. So yay! Fall is just so nice. And august is fall and summer in one. So it is fantastic. On a less lovely note, my August has so far been spent in relapse.  Less food, more exercise, and quite a few thoughts of suicide. It's not that I really want to be in this mind space but I can't seem to get out of it. It just seems so impossible.  I've tried to reach out and get support and I do what I'm told but it just makes it harder.  I am truly at a loss and have people concerned. Which makes me feel awful. I really need to pull myself out of this before it gets worse.

Anybody else struggling?

Stay Strong
xo Aria