Dear Young Me

As an exercise in treatment yesterday, we were told to write a letter to our younger selves. Here is mine.

Dear young me,
There are so many things I would want you to know. Things you never got to hear. I know right now you feel pushed aside and like you don't matter. I know you just want attention. And that you just want to feel accepted. You will learn that even though mom and dad can't provide those things, someone else will. You will form incredible friendships and other relationships. Your struggles will allow you to have incredible empathy. Just know you are worth it. You don't need to weigh only a certain amount to please people. You are beautiful. A few years ago, the light in your eyes was real. You had so much fun. And you knew you were pretty. The amount things can change is remarkable. Don't let the craziness around you affect you. Hold on for the ride. One day you'll be okay. I promise. You have so much potential and the ability to achieve your dreams. Don't let the fact that other people stole your spotlight keep you from trying. Find comfort and acceptance from within because I know you aren't getting it from others. Take satisfaction from the fact that you reached your goals. Whether it be a front flip that nobody watched or memorizing an entire script in a night. Know that I am proud of you and you should be too. I know that right now nobody is noticing your successes but one day they'll be the ones who regret missing things. Don't live with regrets simply because you want to be noticed. Put yourself first sometimes. You are in control of your future. One day people will realize just how incredible you are and that they should have noticed sooner. Just believe in yourself.

Love,
Older you

...

What would you say to your younger self?

xo
Aria

Calories, Calories, Calories

My breakfast just had xxx calories. Being it's the first time in over two weeks that I know my calorie breakdown, this is a big deal. I've never had this many calories at one meal. I can't even believe this happened. And at the same time I can't believe I'm putting this much thought into it. I know rationally that my breakfast has been higher than this while in treatment. So, why is the outside world so different? Why do calories take on a life of their own out here? Don't get me wrong I go nuts and take forever in treatment too but out here it's even harder. It feels so wrong to know I ate those calories when I could've done less. Especially when relapsing and having pretty much no control over my thoughts. Maybe it's because I have nobody that I can just talk to and vent about how those calories are going to seep into me and have them understand. Or maybe it's a sub-conscience way for me to cry for help. I don't know. I just wish calories didn't control me so much. But they do. And I know countless others who feel the exact same way. Calories scare them but they don't know why or how to stop it. I wish somebody had the answer but I'm thinking odds are we are the ones holding that key. I just don't know how to turn it.

Do any of you know how to get out of a calorie counting mindset?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Relapse Happens

I feel like people always say "relapse happens". Which it can. But it doesn't have to. And by having this thought as what to live by...it opens the door to relapse. It makes it ok. It makes it normal. "Everybody relapses...so skipping a meal is ok" is a common process for me. I mean if relapse happens then I guess I don't have to stop it. The only problem is that you do have to stop it. You have the power to do so. Not everybody relapses. And those that do, don't have to continue. I understand why they say it. So, that those that relapse don't feel as though they failed. Which is good. I just wish it didn't make relapsing seem so ok. Like I should relapse to be like everybody else. When in fact I don't have to, and I don't have to let lapses turn into relapses. And neither do you. Yes, relapse happens. To many people. But not all. So, please don't use that saying as a reason to keep hurting yourself. It's not worth it. I'm relapsing now while in treatment. Slowly, considering the circumstance. And the thing I keep coming back to is that well relapse happens so this is ok. But I know it isn't and everyone reading this knows it isn't. I'm assuming right now, some of you are thinking " but I relapse and they happen and I still feel bad about it.., so why does the saying matter? " it matters because of the impact it has on people like me. It takes away the guilt from skipping a snack or two. And gives me a retort when getting questioned by my treatment team. Quite frankly it's a true but dangerous concept. Take from it what will help you or ignore it completely. But don't use it as a reason to destroy yourself. You deserve to be here. You deserve to be happy. And if you relapse don't be hard on yourself. If you don't relapse, be extremely proud.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

How The World Affects Me

First I would like to say sorry for not posting in so long! I have been crazy busy in treatment. However, things are becoming more routine and I now have time to blog. It feels good to be back (well sorta back.)

Now, this week has been one where things that didn't happen to me personally have greatly affected my outlook on life. More than I would have imagined. One of my very dear friends nearly died this week from a combination of drugs and alcohol. After knowing that she was alive and ok, I realized just how much the news of her almost passing bothered me. Not in a bad way, I wasn't angry with her or her decision. But just in how fragile life is. To see an almost 18 year old girl having to be on hospital watch and get her stomach pumped, really showed me that death really can show up to anybody's doorstep without a second thought and that miracles can happen at the same time. Knowing what was mixed, I know that she easily could have been dead and the world would have lost an incredible person. I do believe things happen for a reason so knowing that she was saved tells me that she is meant for something bigger. I hope she sees that too. However, this week somebody I don't personally know committed suicide. I happen to know about this occurrence because he belongs to another chapter of my youth group. I never realized that the death of somebody I never met could impact me. But it has,immensely. It truly brought back the feeling of not knowing when or how you will die. Whether it be in your own hands or the hands of others. I don't know if he woke that morning with the outright plan to kill himself or if he was just pushed too far throughout the day. Nobody will know. Those thoughts are gone with him. More than just knowing that people are killing others, but capable of hurting someone so much that they would kill themselves, disturbs me. The amount of pain we are willing to inflict on other human beings is possibly the scariest concept I can think of. This person's death has really put into perspective for me how words can affect others and how we do really need to watch out for the signs of being suicidal. Suicide is 100% preventable. We just need to be educated and take it seriously. HE very well could have been stopped and still be here with us today. RIP Evan.

For me this week is also one of being very proud. Today I can officially say I am six months free of self-harm. I honestly never thought I would get this far. Through relapse and struggles and anxiety...through life. I got through it without breaking my skin. For right now and hopefully forever I can say that Thanksgiving 2012 was the last day I broke my own skin. I could not be prouder of myself. I cannot begin to express my gratitude to everyone who helped me get this far. And I just really want everyone struggling with it to know that you can stop. It is possible to get through whatever it is you're fighting without hurting yourself.. I promise.


Suicide Warning Signs

• Appearing depressed or sad most of the time.
  (Untreated depression is the number one cause for suicide.)



• Talking or writing about death or suicide.
  
• Withdrawing from family and friends.



• Feeling hopeless.
  
• Feeling helpless.
  
• Feeling strong anger or rage.
  
• Feeling trapped -- like there is no way out of a situation.
  
• Experiencing dramatic mood changes.
  
• Abusing drugs or alcohol.
  
• Exhibiting a change in personality.



• Acting impulsively.



• Losing interest in most activities.



• Experiencing a change in sleeping habits.



• Experiencing a change in eating habits.



• Losing interest in most activities.



• Performing poorly at work or in school.



• Giving away prized possessions.



• Writing a will.



• Feeling excessive guilt or shame.



• Acting recklessly.

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Please do not hestitate to reach out for help if you need it. People will be happy to talk wiht you. I promise. 

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Hello From Treatment Land

Third time's the charm, right? I am writing this from my room at The Center For Eating Disorders Care at Princeton. It's ok. Not the worst place to be. It's hard though, I've never sat through anxiety like this. But I suppose that's a good thing. It can only mean I'm fighting. At least I hope that's what it means. Otherwise it just sucks. Fingers crossed though. Insurance was such a pain. They originally denied me coverage which of course made me think I wasn't sick enough. But they just suck and hate paying for things. So whatever. I'm allowed my phone and laptop and have a private room. It could be so so much worse. I will update more this weekend but I have to go to group!!

Stay Strong
xo Aria

The Wonderful World of Tumblr

I adore the blogging website Tumblr. I'm literally on it constantly. Since I started mine it has been a variety of things. From hard core thinspo to Demi Lovato and back again. Lately it's been a mixture of the two. Which I know, kinda contradict each other. One of my all time favorite books was my inspiration for my URL. The book is Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson. It focuses on a girl with an eating disorder that is all too similar to mine. So my URL was Foreverawintergirl . And it was pretty much thinspo consumed. And what wasn't pictures were text posts about thinspo. Lately though, it's been changing. More positive things have been thrown in. A lot more Demi. (See post titled Thank You Demi and you'll know why). So last night I made a change to my tumblr. The URL is: now-ima-warrior and the blog title is no longer Hope Breeds Eternal Misery but Strong Than I've Ever Been. All lyrics from Demi's new song Warrior. My tumblr is changing just like my thoughts. And I am a warrior. For those of you who haven't heard her new song, I will post a link at the bottom of this post. Demi inspires me everyday. And for me to change my tumblr takes a lot of inspiration. (Just ask my treatment team).

Who inspires you and what change can you make today?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

http://www.youtube.com/embed/wAf99TlYUH8

Things I Learned From Kaitlyn Wozniak

Today I had the amazing opportunity to talk with Kaitlyn Wozniak ( ms.dc 2012). She is recovered from her eating disorder and is an incredible person to have a conversation with. I thought I would share the main points I took from the conversation.

1. Recovery is possible, no matter what. You just need to try.
2. I can never listen to traditional nutrition advice because my body and metabolism will never be normal again.
3. Anyone suffering is sick. There is no such thing as being "less sick".
4. You don't get to decide everything in recovery but the things you do...make the positive choice. Whether that be deleting tumblr, changing friend circles, or just creating a new you.
5. Sometimes getting away is what you need.
6. An eating disorder is not an identity, it's an illness.
7. When you recover, you can use your struggle to help others do the same.
8. As much as I claim that I'm being forced into treatment, I'm not. If I didn't want to get better then I would be kicking and screaming.
9. Exercise is a healthy part of life but you need to know what advice to take because you'll never be a normal person.
10. Living is better than existing.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

When Will I Be Sick Enough?

When will I be sick enough to warrant real treatment? Not outpatient, not partial, not a place to shove food down my throat. But an actual like we recognize you have a legitimate problem and you can stay there till you start actually getting better. But no my insurance doesn't think I need it. Because I'm not sick enough for them to approve it. I'm not thin enough. I don't starve enough. When is my eating disorder bad enough? When I can't get out of bed without fainting. Or I know when my BMI hits 14. Or I die. Because evidently I'm not sick enough for anything other than a hospital but hospitals won't take me because I'm not bad enough for them. Well I must be perfectly fine then. I'm not sick, I'm strong and healthy. I thought I was sick. I even admitted it. But nobody else agrees...so who knows?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Give Me Some Control...Please?

My treatment situation keeps changing. Places and dates and ugh everything. And I just don't have control over any of it and it's really really starting to get to me. Like I need to control something. Now. The thought going through my head is of course not to eat. But that's not a good option. At least it probably isn't. So, I've decided that I need to find what I do have control over and focus on that for the time being because I'm actually shaking. I cannot handle my life being completely out of my hands. And it is. In a group one time, a girl pointed out that we actually have more control than we think we do and that she makes lists of things. So, maybe I will do that. Yup. That sounds good.

I control what I wear
I control what homework I do
I control what friends I see
I control how I do my make up
I control how I treat others
I control how I eat

Stay Strong
xo aria