My breakfast just had xxx calories. Being it's the first time in over two weeks that I know my calorie breakdown, this is a big deal. I've never had this many calories at one meal. I can't even believe this happened. And at the same time I can't believe I'm putting this much thought into it. I know rationally that my breakfast has been higher than this while in treatment. So, why is the outside world so different? Why do calories take on a life of their own out here? Don't get me wrong I go nuts and take forever in treatment too but out here it's even harder. It feels so wrong to know I ate those calories when I could've done less. Especially when relapsing and having pretty much no control over my thoughts. Maybe it's because I have nobody that I can just talk to and vent about how those calories are going to seep into me and have them understand. Or maybe it's a sub-conscience way for me to cry for help. I don't know. I just wish calories didn't control me so much. But they do. And I know countless others who feel the exact same way. Calories scare them but they don't know why or how to stop it. I wish somebody had the answer but I'm thinking odds are we are the ones holding that key. I just don't know how to turn it.
Do any of you know how to get out of a calorie counting mindset?
Stay Strong
xo Aria
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