Homecoming

Last night was homecoming. Between being uncomfortable with my body and being around someone else with an obvious eating disorder....it was rough. But I made the best of it. Food was quite honestly awful yesterday. Big lapse. But I accept responsibility for it happening. Either way it was my senior homecoming. And it was worth every ounce I had to put on to go.

Sometimes You Just Need A Minute

This week has been so incredibly hard for me with food. I have been sick all week and it just makes everything worse. My anxiety had been anything but under control. And today I had to eat something that kinda terrifies me after a slip last night (see next post). However, today has been full of a lot of thinking. And this is what I came up with.

You don't eat so you can go to bed every night cursing recovery. You don't cry over food so you have a reason to never eat again. You don't grasp at numbers to allow yourself that one bite of something. You eat so that you can try and live without those things. Not just for the big things like school or sports but for the every day things you miss out on. Like watching tv in sweatpants with one of your best friends, laughing when you trip over yourself 30 times in a row, jumping into piles of leaves. You sit and cry over food so that you can do things without food. So that not every meal takes 2 hours. Recovery sucks and is hard and is uncomfortable as hell. But some moments are worth it.

How does being sick affect your mindset?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Maybe I Need...An Exorcism?

Not literally but basically. Yesterday, I was an awful person to my treatment team. I called them names and told them what awful people they are. Don't get me wrong in the moment I meant everything I said. But reading back over the messages, I don't even recognize the person who said them. And my team certainly didn't deserve it. Yes, I was angry and upset and felt trapped. But I could have handled it so much better. My therapist (yes she is still talking to me) and I were discussing it today and she brought up an analogy (so not a shocker). When my eating disorder gets out of hand in my head, I take it out on those around me, almost as if I am possessed. And if last night were the movie version, my head would have been spinning around and I would've have been spitting soup everywhere. This reminded me of parts of the book Brave Girl Eating, where the author's daughter actually speaks her innermost thoughts about herself aloud which the author calls the devil. Except rather than spewing my actual thoughts, I just say really mean things to everyone else. And then I tell them they can fire me or leave me, depending on the relationship. I am terribly scared of being abandoned and I guess I would rather have them leave because I did something than just leave. Point being, maybe I do need to accept that at this moment my eating disorder really kinda is like the devil....ironic considering I don't believe in satan. Which would make every meal an exorcism of sorts.

To end this newly found idea, someone asked me to write a letter to a *person* I hate and well I don't hate any actual people. But at the moment as much as I want to relapse, I also really hate my eating disorder and what I end up saying and doing to protect it. So, I guess here it goes:

Dear Ana,
 You have taken everything from me. Weight, life, friends, fun, everything. I thought we were friends. But now you have turned into someone I never wanted to be. And I hate you for it. Yes, relapse looks nice but nobody is guaranteed to live through their next one and I don't want to die with you at my side.

Have you ever said awful things to people you really care about?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Something to Live For

Wow. This last week has been a roller coaster...and I apologize for not posting sooner. I have been so immensely suicidal and I don't really know why. I don't want to go into details on my thoughts as they can be triggering and aren't really necessary for what I am going to say/ sing. This whole week I have been trying to hold onto everything that I could live for. And every time I  just kept losing sight of them. No, I didn't end up in the ER, thank goodness but I do feel so numb and depressed and just awful. Anyway, the first thing I truly felt this week was pain and then pride. I totally ripped my hands on bars at practice and it hurt and still does but the only reason that happened is because I kept trying even though it hurt and I was scared. And normally I would have just given up. If I had to pick two emotions to feel I would pick those. I can live for those moments. I don't need to live for others or to accomplish some crazy goal or even for recovery. I need to live for moments of accomplishment and moments of defeat that make the former even better. So, yes I feel awful and kinda want to die. But I don't think it is my time just yet.

I said I was gonna sing for you all, and I am. The Command Sisters (see facebook URL at bottom) wrote a beautiful song called "Something to Live For" and I am going to cover it for you.

Here we go.

How do you have to live for?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

https://www.facebook.com/TheCommandSisters?fref=ts

Sooo Clothing

One of my longest held is beliefs is that I should buy clothes that fit and then lose weight till they fall off and then NEVER let them fit again. The problem is that, right now, my clothes fit. Sure, some things are a little big or fit differently. But the problem is them fitting in general. Putting on outfits is becoming increasingly difficult. Things fitting is like on of my biggest fears. I purposefully buy things so that I can feel better when they are draping. My wonderful therapist decided to remind me today that there is no going back. No back-up plan. I have to deal with this like a "normal" person. Meaning no losing the weight, no starving, no anything like that. Pushing through. Dealing with the anxiety without self-sabotaging. Ugh. Is it so bad that I want my clothes to be big? It makes me feel smaller and gave me the ability to gauge my weight since I no longer have a scale. I would like to say that as I am writing this I am having some massive realization that I sound ridiculous....but alas it is not so. I still feel so strange in my clothes and in my body. Almost like I am not connected to it. Or like I am not meant to be in it. I don't really know what that means. I guess it means that I still have major work to do. Which is okay. I just wish this was easier. My back-up plan apparently no longer exists according to my team. So, there is only so much I can do. Plus, having a fourth stay right now, sounds awful and it would mean no gymnastics. Boo! 

Any advice on this?

Stay Strong

xo Aria