Maybe I Need...An Exorcism?

Not literally but basically. Yesterday, I was an awful person to my treatment team. I called them names and told them what awful people they are. Don't get me wrong in the moment I meant everything I said. But reading back over the messages, I don't even recognize the person who said them. And my team certainly didn't deserve it. Yes, I was angry and upset and felt trapped. But I could have handled it so much better. My therapist (yes she is still talking to me) and I were discussing it today and she brought up an analogy (so not a shocker). When my eating disorder gets out of hand in my head, I take it out on those around me, almost as if I am possessed. And if last night were the movie version, my head would have been spinning around and I would've have been spitting soup everywhere. This reminded me of parts of the book Brave Girl Eating, where the author's daughter actually speaks her innermost thoughts about herself aloud which the author calls the devil. Except rather than spewing my actual thoughts, I just say really mean things to everyone else. And then I tell them they can fire me or leave me, depending on the relationship. I am terribly scared of being abandoned and I guess I would rather have them leave because I did something than just leave. Point being, maybe I do need to accept that at this moment my eating disorder really kinda is like the devil....ironic considering I don't believe in satan. Which would make every meal an exorcism of sorts.

To end this newly found idea, someone asked me to write a letter to a *person* I hate and well I don't hate any actual people. But at the moment as much as I want to relapse, I also really hate my eating disorder and what I end up saying and doing to protect it. So, I guess here it goes:

Dear Ana,
 You have taken everything from me. Weight, life, friends, fun, everything. I thought we were friends. But now you have turned into someone I never wanted to be. And I hate you for it. Yes, relapse looks nice but nobody is guaranteed to live through their next one and I don't want to die with you at my side.

Have you ever said awful things to people you really care about?

Stay Strong
xo Aria