So today I got weighed. And after the longest week ever, aka Thanksgiving. I lost. BIG SHOCKER. Well not really. I mean without going into specifics, I already kinda knew I had. I wear leotards all the time. I know how they fit. All my clothes are getting bigger. My head is clearer and food is taking longer than ever. I didn't realize how much I was playing with fire. I just don't want to eat more than necessary. I guess I don't really know what that is but nobody does. So, it's kind of a guessing game. And my therapist said something last week that really threw me off. She told me that whether or not I fight it, recovery is going to happen. And I don't like that I can't even control my own recovery. This blog post isn't so much a lesson or anything but mostly just me catching up with myself if you didn't notice. Haha. I don't even know what I am doing anymore. Like I had the best weekend ever at a gymnastics camp and have a great job and friends and all this amazing stuff. But at the same time I was willing to risk it all just to stay at the bottom of my weight range. And oh look I fell out of it. Like this shouldn't be a surprise but it is?!? I don't even understand myself anymore. On the bright side I still get to practice this week. Yayyy. And I got my copy of Wintergirls back from my therapist. Finally. I mean not everything has been bad. I just can't figure out how I let my minor messing with my meal plan become so major. And I'm angry with myself about it. And don't know if I want to fix it. Which is even more upsetting. I guess the point is... I failed. And I don't know if I can make this right this time.
Anyone else confused?
Stay Strong
xo Aria
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