Tattling on Ed

Today was the first time I tattled on Ed. I had every intention of skipping lunch and easily could have done so. But something in my head just wouldn't let me get away with it. So, I did the best I could to let someone know that I needed to eat and that I needed their help to do so. I was afraid they would be mad since I told them that I had already eaten. But they weren't . They got up and got me the healthiest lunch I've had in weeks.Yes, I do feel guilty. Incredibly so. But in a way I am okay with it for now. Tattling feels so wrong and stupid. Like I shouldn't need to concern other people when it comes to food. The thing is though, what if I had passed out? I only eat a Luna Bar for breakfast. It''s totally a possibility. Not to mention that my heart felt funny earlier. So, I guess I made the right decision. The person may have lost some trust in me, but I lost some trust in ed. Win-lose situation. All moving me closer to recovery. One meal at a time.One bite at a time.

When I call this tattling on ed, some people ask me why I phrase as if ed is a child that has done me wrong. Well, that's basically what an ed is. It's a whiny little kid that throws fits when it loses out. SO, it should be treated like one. I will admit that tattling on your ed is never as satisfying as normal tattling is. But at least this way can get you somewhere. I've found recovery to be one step forward two steps back. Therefore, to be honest, I did attempt to purge after eating lunch. Nothing came up. I felt worse about that than I did eating. My head and heart still haven't calmed down. Tattling on ed today, might have been one of my better decisions. Ed is tricky. Watch out.

When did you last tattle on Ed? How did it make you feel?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Wanting to recover

Anybody who really knows me knows that I'm terrified of recovery. I want it. But I'm terrified. The question was posed to me today, what does it mean to want recovery? Does it mean to eat everything and be perfect? No. Does it mean I want a perfect life? No. I want freedom. I go to therapy. I listen to what others have to say. I try to follow my meal plan. I do what I can sometimes. Other times I fall down and don't think I can get back up. But I do. Because I want recovery. I want life. Id imagine that right now you are thinking that you don't want recovery. Or if you do, that you don't know if you can make it. I don't know either. Maybe I won't. But I'd rather know I tried. I don't want to die knowing that I laid now and let this thing beat me up. I want to know I lived, if only for a little bit. I struggle a lot with wanting recovery. Some days it's 80% and most days it's closer to 20% but I know that of I fight I might make it to the other side. Hopefully it's worth it. What does wanting recovery mean to you?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Letter to My Body

In the spirit of NEDAwareness Week 2013, I have written a letter to my body. I invite all of you to write one also.

Dear Body,
 I'm sorry for starving you. I'm sorry for cutting and burning you. I'm sorry for trying to make you vomit. I am sorry for hating you. I am sorry for harming you. Trusting you is one of the hardest things for me to learn. I feel the need to control every aspect of you. But I can't. I've learned that. You're the only body I have to live in and eventually I will have to accept that. Until I can, I hate to say it but I will probably continue with the activities that I am sorry for. I hope one day that we work together without hatred. Thank you for carrying me through life so far.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Feeling Full

Feeling full is not something I'm comfortable with. I'm not just talking physical fullness but even emotional fullness. I simply cannot handle it. Eating till I'm full keeps me up for hours at night. Having too many emotions gives me urges to self harm. Fullness is a scary concept to me. As I'm writing this a question came into my head. Could this fear of being full translate into my not fully wanting recovery. Is it possible that if I have a full life I won't be able to handle it? I can honestly say I don't know. Right now I am physically full. And I can't sleep. Emotionally I'm drained and have no self harm urges. My life is ok but could be better and I make almost no effort to change it. I'm scared of being full.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Playing Dumb

We've all done at least once in our lifetimes. Pretending we don't understand a class or a concept. Acting like we don't have a clue about our surroundings. The problem is when the acting becomes too real and others believe it. I've played dumb for years. When people really get to know me they suddenly realize just how observant I am and how insightful I can be. However, most people assume I'm dumb as a Door knob. I started doing this in elementary school because everyone always told me how smart I was. So, when I didn't understand something I would get so upset and people kept asking how I couldn't understand it when I am so smart. It got really frustrating. The first time I failed a test was seventh grade, I cried for 2 days. Starting that day I decided if I played dumb it would be easier. The thing is that now when I try to prove I'm smart, nobody believes me. Now, I can't bring myself to finish work because I'm afraid of people knowing what I can do. I'm so frustrated and confused. It's like I know I'm smart but other people don't and the people who do know still question me the same way they used to. So I guess there really is no winning. Or going back. Playing dumb is hard work.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Taking a Break from the Recovery Challenge

Hi all! So I'm really sorry but I'm going to take a break from the 30 day challenge. It kind of took all the fun out of blogging. It made it into more of a chore and that's no good. I will continue blogging however!

Stay Strong
xo Aria

The Bpdy Peace Treaty

• NEW! Do the little things that will keep my body healthy, like walking instead of hanging on the couch, or drinking water rather than something sugary.
• NEW! Appreciate what makes my body different from anyone else's. I love that I'm unique on the inside, I will try to feel that way about the outside too!
• NEW! Wear makeup only when I want to and it feels fun. I won't use it to hide the real me!
• NEW! Accept that my body will go through changes, and that's okay.
• NEW! Support my friends, who just like me, have their own body issues. Hey, we're all in this together!
• NEW! Put my energy toward the things in life I care about instead of wasting another ounce of it on my insecurities.
• Remember that the sun will still rise tomorrow even if I had one too many slices of pizza or an extra scoop of ice cream tonight.
• Never blame my body for the bad day I'm having.
• Stop joining in when my friends compare and trash their own bodies.
• Never allow a dirty look from someone else to influence how I feel about my appearance.
• Quit judging a person solely by how his or her body looks — even if it seems harmless — because I'd never want anyone to do that to me.
• Notice all the amazing things my body is doing for me every moment I walk, talk, think, breathe...
• Quiet that negative little voice in my head when it starts to say mean things about my body that I'd never tolerate anyone else saying about me.
• Remind myself that what you see isn't always what you get on TV and in ads — it takes a lot of airbrushing, dieting, money, and work to look like that.
• Remember that even the girl who I'd swap bodies with in a minute has something about her looks that she hates.
• Respect my body by feeding it well, working up a sweat when it needs it, and knowing when to give it a break.
• Realize that the mirror can reflect only what's on the surface of me, not who I am inside.
• Know that I'm already beautiful just the way I am.
• Not let my size define me. It’s far better to focus on how awesome I look in my jeans than the number on the tag.
• Surround myself with positive people. True friends are there to lift me up when I’m feeling low and won't bring me down with criticism, body bashing, or gossip.
• Accept the changes that my body is going through. I will celebrate my new shape and curves. I will rock what I've got!
• Remember that sometimes I will have down moments. And in those times, I will remind myself of how awesome I am by looking in the mirror and saying, "I'm good! I can do this! I'm number one!"
• Accept that beauty isn't just about my looks. It's my awesome personality and my energy that creates a whole, unique package

The above is seventeen magazine's Body Peace Treaty. I signed. Will you?

Stay Strong

xo Aria