Stay Strong (aka my last post)

I honestly cannot believe I am writing this post. I never thought this would happen. But here we are. It's come to my attention that when I'm doing well, which is most of the time now, I don't have much to blog about and that's not fair to all of you following my journey. So, this will be my last post on THIS blog. I have set up a new one for my life in recovery where you all can keep up with me. It will have more fun stories mixed in with the struggles when they happen. I know I could just keep this blog and do the same thing but that's not why I started this one and I want it to end here. The new url will be at the bottom of this overly long post,  I promise.

There is so much I want to shove into this one post. So so much. I don't really know where to start. I guess I can start with how life is. It's really good! I'm so glad I am not in treatment and not starving. I'm having a really good time. I will admit that part of me really wishes I was sicker than I am. And sometimes I even trick myself into thinking it. I will admit that I don't love my body. But I'm not actively trying to change it either. Basically... I'm okay.

Now, my message to all of you that are struggling. You are incredible. People with eating disorders are honestly the most amazing people I have ever met and spoken to. Hearing your stories and helping you through struggles, having some tell me that my blog has shown them hope and made them feel less alone...I can't even put into words how much that means to me. I want you to know that you are never ever alone. That you can beat this. It is possible. It is hard and scary and you are going to cry and emotions are going to smack in the face. But in the end it is so so worth it. I promise you. Don't get sucked into other people's eating disorders. You need to focus on you. Stay strong for yourself. Once you have the strength to do that,  then try and stay strong for others. It is just what has to be done.

To those of you that are reading that know people struggling, this message is for you. DONT GIVE UP ON THEM. EVER. We are stronger than we seem. And if you give up on us then we are going to give up on ourselves completely. Believe in them. Be there for them. Listen. Don't judge. Sometimes we just need an ear and maybe a hug. I've heard from so many that are scared for those they love and you often want to take drastic measures or you are done and want to walk away. There is a middle ground. Find it. It will be different for everyone. For me, having my parents as the food police was too far and made me angry but having my mom say she gives up and walk away destroyed my confidence. I needed structure but not from her. So,  my treatment team has taken over a bit more. There is always a middle ground. Search for it. Ask the person. But whatever you do, don't walk away. ( on a side note: if you are a caregiver for someone... make sure to indulge in self care for you as well. We all need it.)

Lastly, a message for myself. Never forget what you have been through to get here. Countless hours spent exercising and body checking and obsessing. Hundreds of papers with calories written down. Three treatment stays in 3 different states. Tons of ER visits. Almost failing high school. Scaring everyone you care about. You did not get here overnight and if you go back... you may never get here again. Appreciate the moment. Celebrate the small successes. Allow yourself to have fun and live for once. You deserve it as much as anyone else does. Be honest with yourself. Learn to go outside your comfort zone, it is much more entertaining. Love with all your heart.

I cannot thank you all enough for following me on my journey. It is far from over though. I am so excited to have you guys go with me to the next chapter of my life! Starting today you can follow me at : rediscovering-aria.blogspot.com

This is SO exciting!!!

Stay Strong,
xo Aria

I'm Okay... For Real

I was texting a good friend of mine earlier and was so angry about how life just hasn't been in my favor. She pointed out that maybe now it will be. Life isn't fair and I will have to work harder than others.  That is true. But maybe once I believe in myself, things will turn around. She seems to think I can move mountains and I don't think I can quite that influential but you never know. I just have to see what she sees first.  By all accounts I should be half dead by now and in another treatment center but I'm not. I'm 13 months self harm free and 6 months out of treatment,  I have a job and a college acceptance letter and I'm back doing the sport I love with all my heart. So, no I don't totally believe in myself and yes I still struggle but I'm really okay. I'm healthy. And my life is pretty great right now. Who knows? Maybe someday I will move mountains. Thank you Becca. I needed that today.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

So You Are Walking In The Desert...

You are walking in the desert with one other person. You have one canteen between you (it's your canteen) and it has enough water to save one of you. By Jewish law, who do you save?

Think about it.

The answer: YOU. If you save yourself you are guaranteed to save one life and you can then go on and help other people in the world. You can make sure that you make a difference.

This was brought up in the Hebrew High School class I was in tonight and it really struck a chord with me. The idea of saving life is highly regarded in the Jewish religion. You save yourself, you only follow what you can and still be healthy. You put yourself first in order to be able to help other people. After all if you are gone then you aren't helping anyone.

Hebrew school is not the first place I heard this recently but it is the place that it clicked. My treatment team has been telling me this same fact for almost 2 years. If I give everything I have (my canteen) to other people, I am not guaranteed to save them and it is not guaranteed that they will go on and help others. If I put myself first and help as I can then I save myself and guarantee that I live for longer than I probably would and can help more people.

As much as this sounds so incredibly selfish to me and probably most of you... it is actually quite the opposite. You can die and maybe help one person or you can live and help many.

Which helps the greater good?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Couch Time

So, yesterday I hurt my ankle (again) at gymnastics and I couldn't walk on it. The gym lent me crutches and I got home. This morning I can put  a little more pressure on it but it really hurts still. Naturally I texted my coach and asked what to do as I work tomorrow and have practice Tuesday. She said to try and walk on it every 4 hours but otherwise stay off it. Meaning I have to eat today but can't move. This is possibly one of the most terrifying days I've had in a while. I can get through eating usually but I also constantly move. And today I have orders to literally stay still except for every four hours. Meaning I still have like 1.5 more to go before I try again. This is awful. I feel so fat and unwothy. Not to mention a clutz. I already had a minor concussion. Plus, the ankle I hurt already had nerve and ligament issues. And the other one never totally healed from a fracture. Ugh. This sucks. I hate my life. Well parts. Today sucks. Not moving doesn't really work so well for me. I even walk while doing homework. Which I have tons of. But I'm going to start that after my first try walking. I just can't handle all the sitting.

How do you handle eating while not moving?

xo
Aria

Well. Crap.

So today I got weighed. And after the longest week ever, aka Thanksgiving. I lost. BIG SHOCKER. Well not really. I mean without going into specifics, I already kinda knew I had. I wear leotards all the time. I know how they fit. All my clothes are getting bigger. My head is clearer and food is taking longer than ever. I didn't realize how much I was playing with fire. I just don't want to eat more than necessary. I guess I don't really know what that is but nobody does. So, it's kind of a guessing game. And my therapist said something last week that really threw me off. She told me that whether or not I fight it, recovery is going to happen.  And I don't like that I can't even control my own recovery. This blog post isn't so much a lesson or anything but mostly just me catching up with myself if you didn't notice. Haha. I don't even know what I am doing anymore. Like I had the best weekend ever at a gymnastics camp and have a great job and friends and all this amazing stuff. But at the same time I was willing to risk it all just to stay at the bottom of my weight range. And oh look I fell out of it. Like this shouldn't be a surprise but it is?!? I don't even understand myself anymore. On the bright side I still get to practice this week. Yayyy. And I got my copy of Wintergirls back from my therapist. Finally. I mean not everything has been bad. I just can't figure out how I let my minor messing with my meal plan become so major. And I'm angry with myself about it. And don't know if I want to fix it. Which is even more upsetting. I guess the point is... I failed. And I don't know if I can make this right this time.

Anyone else confused?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Tornado (a poem)

The air is cold
But I am sweating
I whirl around and around
Just looking for a way out
It doesn't have to go this way
I can slow down
Nothing has to be destroyed
It is too late
The damage is done
My mind is a war zone
Things torn down and houses gone
There used to be love and happiness
Now all I have left is what I can grab
Nothing more
My motivation was torn
My life destroyed in front of my face
How can I eat now?
I must
But how?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

I'm Still Good

There's a Hannah Montana song called I'm Still Good and right now it kinda describes my life. Saturday night I made a huge mistake and weighed myself. This of course sent me into a tailspin that is still going on. Between restricting and just hating everything... it's been a long couple days. But I was in the car today and this song came on. And it along with my therapist and dietitian who have been crazy supportive, helped me realize that I can stand up. It's okay to slip up. But you can't lay down and let everything slip away. I've worked too hard for that. So, whether it be today or tomorrow, I need to pick myself again and prove that I'm not that broken girl anymore. I can eat. It's scary and I don't want to. But I can. And I have to. I've let this go on for so long. And yes I hate everything about myself right now and may have considered ending everything last night....but I didn't. There's a reason I am here and a reason I have these opportunities. I will pick myself up again and show that I am still good.

How do you come back from a lapse?

Stay Strong
xo Aria