It’s the scent of mint, fresh breath and clean teeth mixed with that familiar pungent odor of vomit. Do you want this? She asks herself in the mirror. Yes, of course you do. She glanced at her stomach, placing a hand over it like she was pregnant. If only it was that. She looked tired. Her face sunk like the last bit of mouthwash down her throat. It burned. I’ll be clean. It stung. It’ll help the bleeding and she reeled a bit until the pain went away.
Look at you, another voice told her. She knew who it was it was Ed again. She looked in the mirror, seeing her own reflection contort like circus glass. You don’t work hard enough. Raise your hand and do it better, with that her hand raised to her parted lips, chipped fingernail poised and ready. I can do better, she countered. I can be the best.
Her finger plunged the back of her throat, the taste of skin and blood beginning to bubble up, mixed with something else the rest of tonight’s dinner. Good, good! Ed cheered. You are stronger! She pushed and clawed her way deep inside her letting it all spill out into the sink until her knees gave way and she fell to the floor. Choking, the room spun around her.
You’re beautiful now, Ed cooed but she couldn’t breathe. Her heart raced as it pounded in her ears. It was hard to keep focus. I can’t, she thought. You can, Ed countered. I can’t….I.
Yes, for always, Ed said.
Bulimia, Anorexia, Restriction, Diet-compulsion, EDNOS, etc, are ALL serious eating disorders. If left untreated will result in death. You are worth so much more than your eating disorder. If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder or even thinking about starting an eating disorder. Please get help.
The National Eating Disorder Association has many helpful and supportive features like hotlines and chatrooms. Please reach out:https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support
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