One More Week

I have one week of treatment left. The past five weeks have been full of laughs and tears. Making friends, sharing stories, and trying to help. I wouldn't give back this stay for anything. The people I met are so incredible and their stories are astonishing. I have formed bonds with staff and let them see me in my most vulnerable moments. I haven't played the perfect patient. I have stared at meals, I have cried after, I have participated in groups. For me these are a big deal. But something is different this time. Rather than be so ready to get out and go home. I am actually terrified to go home. I don't know how I will keep this up. I can barely do it here. In a completely safe place. A place where I have come to trust those around me. My ambivalence towards recovery continues to be such an issue. And in the real world, I can act on urges. I can relapse. I basically did at one point while still here. Not to say that spending six weeks in treatment has nothing. I have learned tons of things. Somethings I never heard, and others that were simply reinforced. The problem is that I haven't gotten my mind where it needs to be to continue this way. Half of me is still planning to lose more weight when I leave. Part of me still can rationalize skipping things and feel guilty for putting a single calorie in to my body. I feel huge and disgusting. Which is common when leaving treatment after gaining weight. But I don't know if I can handle this. And I have to do a summer school course on top of it. That's a lot of stress. I don't know. I mean this summer would be a great time to focus on myself and getting to healthy place before school starts. But I have a greater priority now in place. Making sure I graduate and then college apps come out in August. Recovery may have to take a back seat right away. School is first. Sorry.

What are your priorities?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Why Can't I See Myself The Way Others Do?!?!?

I know the easy answer to that, I have an eating disorder. But I mean is my vision really that warped? I swear everyone is bigger than me. And it doesn't help being in a place 5 days a week where a lot of the people are legitimately smaller than I am. I don't even necessarily feel fat. I feel out of place in my body. Like I want to curl out of my skin. I don't feel right. I feel like I'm in someone else's body with all the fat and jiggling flesh. This body isn't mine. But it is. But it can't be. I feel so out of place in my own body. Like I no longer control it. I miss being smaller. I miss feeling slightly more at home in my body. I just wish it didn't feel so foreign. Like I'm a ghost inhabiting a body. I want to feel whole. Like a person. But I don't. And I don't know how long I can stand to feel like this. I'm going insane. My thoughts are scary and never ending. I want things to stop. I want to feel at peace. And I want to feel like a part of my body. I want to be skinny and frail. I want to look sick. I want to know who I am. Everyone says I'm pretty and thin but I don't see it. I don't even recognize the face in the mirror anymore.


Any advice?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Get Out

I want these thoughts out of my head. I don't want a fourth treatment stay. I want my senior year. But they won't leave. Meals come up and in they rush. Telling me how fat and awful I am. I don't want to feel like this anymore. But what do you think about if not about food and weight. I just want to have no thoughts. I want everything to slow down. I want a clear brain and a fresh start. But I can't. I'm already contaminated. The voices take over 3 or more times a day and I can't get rid of them. They die down when I'm on stage. When I'm being someone else. Because those people don't have eating disorders. There's no place for my crazy racing mind. I have to focus. But I can't focus all the time. How do I get rid of them during normal times? Like at school or when I'm with friends. I want them gone but they're here to stay. I have no control over them. Ugh

What gives you hope in times like this?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

To Recover or To Not Recover

The last few days I haven't been able to be more than ambivalent towards recovering. I hate my body and I'm not even at my goal weight. I'm eating a ridiculous amount of food. And I feel so drained emotionally. Recovery just seems so hard and so far out of reach. I just don't know if its worth it. But at the same time I want to be able to go out for ice cream or drink regular soda without a panic attack. And I want to like myself. I really do. Ugh. On top of all this I am debating whether or not to go to residential after Princeton. I can see where it would be beneficial but it would also entail putting a year off of college. So I'm all conflicted. Especially considering I don't even know if I want to recover. I don't see anything so great about it. What makes you want to recover?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Dear Young Me

As an exercise in treatment yesterday, we were told to write a letter to our younger selves. Here is mine.

Dear young me,
There are so many things I would want you to know. Things you never got to hear. I know right now you feel pushed aside and like you don't matter. I know you just want attention. And that you just want to feel accepted. You will learn that even though mom and dad can't provide those things, someone else will. You will form incredible friendships and other relationships. Your struggles will allow you to have incredible empathy. Just know you are worth it. You don't need to weigh only a certain amount to please people. You are beautiful. A few years ago, the light in your eyes was real. You had so much fun. And you knew you were pretty. The amount things can change is remarkable. Don't let the craziness around you affect you. Hold on for the ride. One day you'll be okay. I promise. You have so much potential and the ability to achieve your dreams. Don't let the fact that other people stole your spotlight keep you from trying. Find comfort and acceptance from within because I know you aren't getting it from others. Take satisfaction from the fact that you reached your goals. Whether it be a front flip that nobody watched or memorizing an entire script in a night. Know that I am proud of you and you should be too. I know that right now nobody is noticing your successes but one day they'll be the ones who regret missing things. Don't live with regrets simply because you want to be noticed. Put yourself first sometimes. You are in control of your future. One day people will realize just how incredible you are and that they should have noticed sooner. Just believe in yourself.

Love,
Older you

...

What would you say to your younger self?

xo
Aria

Calories, Calories, Calories

My breakfast just had xxx calories. Being it's the first time in over two weeks that I know my calorie breakdown, this is a big deal. I've never had this many calories at one meal. I can't even believe this happened. And at the same time I can't believe I'm putting this much thought into it. I know rationally that my breakfast has been higher than this while in treatment. So, why is the outside world so different? Why do calories take on a life of their own out here? Don't get me wrong I go nuts and take forever in treatment too but out here it's even harder. It feels so wrong to know I ate those calories when I could've done less. Especially when relapsing and having pretty much no control over my thoughts. Maybe it's because I have nobody that I can just talk to and vent about how those calories are going to seep into me and have them understand. Or maybe it's a sub-conscience way for me to cry for help. I don't know. I just wish calories didn't control me so much. But they do. And I know countless others who feel the exact same way. Calories scare them but they don't know why or how to stop it. I wish somebody had the answer but I'm thinking odds are we are the ones holding that key. I just don't know how to turn it.

Do any of you know how to get out of a calorie counting mindset?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Relapse Happens

I feel like people always say "relapse happens". Which it can. But it doesn't have to. And by having this thought as what to live by...it opens the door to relapse. It makes it ok. It makes it normal. "Everybody relapses...so skipping a meal is ok" is a common process for me. I mean if relapse happens then I guess I don't have to stop it. The only problem is that you do have to stop it. You have the power to do so. Not everybody relapses. And those that do, don't have to continue. I understand why they say it. So, that those that relapse don't feel as though they failed. Which is good. I just wish it didn't make relapsing seem so ok. Like I should relapse to be like everybody else. When in fact I don't have to, and I don't have to let lapses turn into relapses. And neither do you. Yes, relapse happens. To many people. But not all. So, please don't use that saying as a reason to keep hurting yourself. It's not worth it. I'm relapsing now while in treatment. Slowly, considering the circumstance. And the thing I keep coming back to is that well relapse happens so this is ok. But I know it isn't and everyone reading this knows it isn't. I'm assuming right now, some of you are thinking " but I relapse and they happen and I still feel bad about it.., so why does the saying matter? " it matters because of the impact it has on people like me. It takes away the guilt from skipping a snack or two. And gives me a retort when getting questioned by my treatment team. Quite frankly it's a true but dangerous concept. Take from it what will help you or ignore it completely. But don't use it as a reason to destroy yourself. You deserve to be here. You deserve to be happy. And if you relapse don't be hard on yourself. If you don't relapse, be extremely proud.

Stay Strong
xo Aria