Photo Timelines

I can go through my Facebook photos and the ones on my phone and tell what I weighed in every picture. I can tell you whether or not I was eating. I can tell you whether or not I ever want to look like that again. I can compare one from a year ago to one from last month. Some people would say it's a dangerous thing to do. To compare photos from your lowest to your highest. It certainly doesn't make me feel any better. But it reinforces what I know to be true. At points I was skinny and at points I wasn't skinny. It makes me long for the days of bones sticking out and an almost concave stomach. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss that. I miss it everyday. Every time I look in the mirror I pray to see what I once was. Was I happier? No. But I knew that I had the possibility of being the skinniest girl in a room and I liked that. I liked knowing that I was thin but not thin enough for people to think I was sick. I was on a dangerous line. But I managed. Now having been in treatment and gaining the weight back. I can see the difference in pictures. It makes me cringe. I want the bones back. But I want to stay out of treatment. But the bones made me feel so light and delicate and I liked that. I liked knowing that when people hugged me they could feel my spine. But no longer. No longer are my ribs visible or my spine protruding. They are now covered in fat once again. And I am faced with the same dilemma. Do I compare myself to my previous self? Or do I move forward and I try to accept that I can't have that and be healthy? That is where I'm stuck. I'm not just comparing to others but to myself. So I can't win.

Do you compare photos?

Stay Strong
xo Aria