Weight Gain and Food Increases

" hey there little fighter, soon it will be brighter"

Even just typing the title made me cringe. Weight gain is one of those things that can send me into a full blown anxiety attack. I don't see a need for it after a certain point. It's like my BMI is healthy now leave me alone. Unfortunately my team doesn't feel the same way. They are convinced that I cannot maintain my current weight without eating disorder behaviors but I can. And I know it cause I've done it for a couple weeks now. Granted I've been more stationary and been watched and struggled. But I've done it. Maybe this is just where my body wants to be. I wish my team saw it that way. They don't. Watching and feeling my body change, disturbs me. It feels foreign and like I don't belong in this body. I hate it. And the more I try to come to terms with it, the more weight I gain which restarts the process. I just wish weight gain wasn't such a part of the recovery process. I know eating disorders aren't all about weight. It's about how I feel about myself. But gaining weight makes me feel worse about myself so I don't see how it's helping. It just hurts. On top of that, a couple weeks ago I got my meal plan lowered while in treatment. Since discharging my dietitian has increased it back to where it was before the decrease. And I can't handle that. I mean how date she up it when I finally earned the privilege to not eat a crazy amount. It feels so punitive. Like I didn't do we'll enough in treatment to warrant keeping what I earned and fought for. It feels belittling and it makes me so anxious and upset. I thought I was doing ok. But apparently not well enough. This is why going to treatment is stupid. I earn things and learn new rules and then my team here changes everything and it totally throws me off. I worked so hard to reach my weight range ( that she is also trying to change) and now she wants me eating more food than even she eats. I just don't get random increases. I mean what's the point? To torture me when I already can't stand myself? Between weight gain and this increase, choosing recovery is becoming harder and harder and I just got home. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not be here. Not deal with any of this. Just have peace. But that's not what I've got right now.

How have you guys handled this?

Stay Strong

xo Aria