I Like Foods?

Liking...food? I know, crazy concept. But apparently I do actually like some foods. I didn't really think about it until I was sitting in therapy eating a muffin (because what else is therapy for). My therapist pointed out that I was eating a blueberry muffin and asked me if I "like" those or chocolate chip ones more. And my first response was which do I LIKE or which do I feel better eating? Of course she wanted to know the first and quite honestly I told her that I like chocolate chip ones more. No, it isn't "healthy" but it tastes really good. I guess what is interesting is that I am figuring out what foods I genuinely like and dislike. Not based on fear (entirely) but whether or not I actually enjoy the taste/ texture of them. For example I HATE the taste of tomatoes, I always have and always will and I HATE the anything orange flavored...it's just gross. But I LOVE peanut butter and I could eat Chipotle pretty much all week. Tomatoes and things that taste or smell like oranges or oranges in general aren't "bad", I just dislike them...a lot. And that's okay. I have also found that somethings I thought I liked, I actually don't. For example, black coffee...not really my cup of tea (see what I did there haha). Or like it turns out that plain lettuce tastes like nothing. Which still is weird to me. But I am learning little things. And each day is a new experience. I like that too.

What foods do you like or dislike?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

I Have Been Waiting To Write This

I get asked a lot what recovery looks like to me and for what seems like forever my answer was always when I am fat enough for everyone to leave me alone. I have told my treatment team that I see their jobs as making me fat and making me be okay with that. I have always considered recovery this far off ridiculous concept for myself. But today, I realized something. For the first time I can say that I am in recovery. I truly am. No, my weight is not exactly where my team wants it quite yet. But my definition of "recovery" has changed. It isn't about weight or food or whether I have bad days or weeks. It's all about my head and the decisions I make. I can work, go to school, do a sport, have friends...and eat. Food and weight have moved so far down on my priorities list. I just have so much going for me right now. Yes, it is a constant choice and a constant fight...recovery doesn't get a day off. Strangely, I am okay with that. I want this. I am making the choice to eat on plan everyday and I choose what I wear. I don't look at thinspo as often, I exercise because I love my sport and my team, and sometimes I even reach out for help. I am nowhere near recovered and that is okay too. I am closer than a week ago and that is all that matters. I am recovering, I am fighting. And I have NEVER been happier. I drank normal Starbucks today, ate extra food because I was with friends and we wanted it, I felt fat but still did what I wanted, I did all my homework. My life is becoming mine. And let me tell you, it feels so good. I don't really know what else to say. I am so shocked to realize how far I have come. I didn't even think about it till I was reading a play for school and noticed the quiet in my head even though I ate all day. To me that is the best part of all. I stopped trying so hard to recover perfectly, which always ended with relapse, and finally let down some of my walls...and now I have made more progress than I ever thought possible. There are so many people who have told me I could do it and have stood by me, and for once I believe them. I can do this. I can recover. For those of you who gave up on me...your mistake not my wrongdoing. Three treatment stays and tons of ER visits are aren't failures. How dare you get annoyed at me for them. I needed them. Hell, I might need a fourth stay sometime and that is okay too. What matters is that I am happy. To everyone that I met because of this journey, thank you for everything you taught me. And for friendships I would be so sad without. I know a lot of you don't believe it is possible to feel okay, I would have said the same thing just a few months ago, I promise it is. And fighting is worth every second. Every tear over a meal or snack. Totally worth it. I have cried over every food and calorie. And it was during those times that I learnt the most about myself and the people around me. There are those who will sit with you and those that will stand outside the room and tell you to get over it. Ignore the second ones, you don't need them. Whether they are friends or family, toxic people aren't needed. Believe me. I hate to say it but sometimes you just need to guard yourself from those closest to you to keep your recovery. But I promise you it will be worth it.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

" I am definitely not the broken girl I used to be"- Demi Lovato

Dear Future Me

A few months ago I posted a letter I wrote to my younger self and what I would want her to know. But the thing is that there's a few things I hope for my future self. So, I wrote myself a letter. Here we go.

Dear Future Me,
Laying here in bed in pain from practice, I can't really imagine what your life is like. I know what I am doing now and what I dream for. I wish for happiness and friends and college and love. I wish for a life worth living. Hopefully, you (I) have that. I hope you got to be happy for real and that you made it to the other side.  I hope you follow your dreams and that you love the life YOU chose. I don't know where we are or what we are doing. The future doesn't even seem real. But I want you to know that we are so strong and that you should never forget where you came from. Competing this year was never in the cards...we did it. I guess I only have two questions...

Was it worth it?

Are you happy?

Love,
You

What would you say to your future self?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Wow That Is Just Awesome

The first time I went into treatment: I did not think I had a problem, I thought I was eating plenty and I for sure did not think I had a problem. Obviously, some people around me disagreed and that is how my long journey to here got started. What I did not know was that some people agreed with me! Yesterday I was talking with my mom and somehow we got on the topic of my weight and how I want to know what it is. And somewhere in that conversation she let it slip that a good amount of people (both family and friends) had told her when I went away that it was ridiculous for I was not skinny enough. I did not look sick. I had simply lost weight and sending me away for an "eating disorder"( because obviously I didn't have one)...was crazy. I often find myself believing that I am not sick enough, that I never have been, I'm a not a "good" Anorexic. But now I know that my beliefs about myself aren't mine alone. Other people feel the same way about my body. I can only imagine what they thought when I went in the second time as I weighed more than the first and the third time I only weighed a slight bit less. All this time I have been told that I got too small and that I was "thin enough", but maybe not. As you can all tell, this has thoroughly messed with me. In fact I almost killed myself over it. But the fact is that as much as knowing this hurts and as much as it kills me...they will never know what I go through. And good for them because it is hell. Guess what? An eating disorder is an eating disorder. I don't care what you weigh. I had just as much of a problem then as I did the third time. No, I have never been crazy underweight. But I do have an eating disorder. And the fact that finding this out made me almost off myself tells me just how far I have to go. Since I do not post numbers on this blog...at the bottom I will post 4 pictures, one from before each stay and one of me now. No I am not totally healthy but I can tell you I am happier than in any of the earlier pictures.

What do you do when you find out hard things?

Stay Strong Aria

Before First Stay

Before Second Stay ( I am sitting down)

Before Third Stay 

And Now

Yom Kippur And An Eating Disorder

Yom Kippur is the holiest day of the year in the Jewish religion and is not taken lightly. This particular holiday involves fasting in order to repent for your sins. I have fasted for as long as I can remember. Exceot two years ago when I was in the beginning of my treatment stay. In fact I even fasted last year ( no my treatment team did not approve). This year I promised them I eat today as fasting could possibly kill me. And Pikuach Nefesh (saving of a life) is above all else in the Jewish religion. Needless to say, eating last night through today was awful, the guilt was immeasurable. If I could, I would purge it all. Today would have been easier to keep food away from me. But I wasn't allowed to. At the same time you are supposed to fast in order to feel discomfort and eating gave me that feeling more than fasting ever will. As usual I had an appointment with my dietitian today and after finding that my weight isn't doing anything near what it needs to and how badly my stomach has been rejecting food and water..I have come to realize that as much as I feel like an "awful Jew" for not completely fasting today, I do see the Pikuach Nefesh. Hopefully next year I have gotten to the point where I am allowed to fast because my body will have healed itself and that it won't cause a relapse. Yom Kippur is all about asking G-D for forgiveness for all the sins you committed against him. In a way, my eating disorder is just that, so I truly hope that I am forgiven and written for a good year. For all who fasted, I hope that it doesn't hurt you and for those that are in the same boat as me...be easy on yourself.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

The Music Box- A Poem

Round and Round and Round I Go
Same Places Same Faces With Nothing To Show
I Spin and I Twirl for All To See
They Say My Dance is So Pretty
Little Do They Know How Stuck I Feel
In My Little Old Box With Corners of Steel
I Wear a Pink TuTu That Flares Out Just Right
And When They Shut Me Down at Night
My Thoughts Suddenly Become a Reality
For the Little Dancer They All Know so Well
Doesn't Like to Dance at all
She Feels Lost and Alone and Fears a Terrible Fright
So She Takes a Few Pills To Make Everything Alright
I Lay in My Box All Quiet and Sound
Hoping in the Morning I am Too Be Found
And Once Again Start My Little Dance
My Little Pink TuTu Will Pop Up With Glee
As Long as the Pills Don't Kill Me
Round and Round and Round I Go, When Will I Stop?
Nobody Knows

Stay Strong
xo Aria

New Year....New Me?

Thursday is Rosh Hashanah or the Jewish New Year. As we prepare to enter year 5774, I am taking time to reflect on this past year. This time last year I was freshly out of treatment for the second time and starting junior year of high school. I didn't think I would recover and knew for sure I wouldn't keep my weight where it was. I didn't have much of a grasp on anything and personally I just wasn't that great of a person. I don't remember much of the early parts of 5773...probably because I couldn't think straight. Over this past year, I have learnt so much. I have been pushed further than I ever thought possible and I have pushed other people so far I worried they would leave me. I landed back in treatment, I almost died multiple times, I hurt myself, I fought getting better, I lost friends. But I also got out of treatment, lived, stopped self-harming, I had some truly happy moments, and learnt who my friends are.

The point of this post is more than to reflect on whether or not I wasted 5773 but rather to ask for forgiveness and give thanks. Let us start with the former. For those of you that I hurt or didn't help enough or made worry...I am completely and utterly sorry. I shouldn't have treated you the way I did, you deserve so much better. You are all such incredible people. For those I didn't help enough, I wish I could have. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in myself, I probably could've done more. I probably could have given the help you wanted from me. And for those I made worry. To you all, I am the sorriest of all. You shouldn't have had to worry about me. You still don't have too. I know I don't always take the greatest care of myself, but a large amount of you, have more important things to worry about than me. I am truly sorry for taking up space in your mind that I don't deserve. I hope all of you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Now I would also like to thank certain people or groups of people. To my treatment team, yes I do complain about you two a whole awful lot...but when it comes down to it, you haven't left my side and for that I thank you. You have been there through countless ups and downs and dealt with me and my ridiculousness on too many occasions. As I sit here typing, part of me is worried that soon you will give up and just fire me. Just know that even if you do, I am still eternally grateful to have you as my team. To my family, you will never read this as you don't have my URL but as much as I complain about you guys and we fight...I love each and every member. From mom and dad to my cousins. You each have a different relationship with me and I don't know what I do without all of your support. To Becca and Joe (and Kol and Jesse), not many people can claim they have two places to call home. But I can and that is so amazing. Over this year, you all have become family to me and I don't know if I would be the person I am today without that. I have learnt so much from you. Everything from how to be preppy (sometimes it IS necessary) to how to be a superhero (you do need a cape).You all have had every oppurtunity to give up on me and kick me out of your house and never have. Thank you. To my friends, there really isn't much to say that I haven't told you each in person. You made me appreciate things I never noticed, you shut up me up when I say how awful I look, you have gotten me through treatment stays, you have never left my side. And this year we will graduate together. I am so happy to have each of you in my life. I love you guys so so much.

So, yes 5773 was a long tumultuous year...but it was also an incredible and fun one. I am so excited to see what 5774 has to bring!

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Dear Annie

Dear Annie,
 You are about to start another treatment stay. I know how upset you are about this and I know how much you feel like it is a waste of time. What you don't know is how much I am rooting for you, a ton of us are. I completely and utterly believe in you and your ability to finally beat this. I know we didn't become friends till almost the end of our time in treatment together, but I am so glad we did. You are such an amazing person and you want to help people so badly. Hell you spent a good two days trying to get me into more treatment. Which I probably should have agreed to, but I didn't. You have another chance to do this right. And I know you can. Yes, you do have weight to gain (shocker) but that is just part of it. You can learn so much if you try. I know you can. I don't put all my faith in somebody if I don't truly believe in them. I know you can beat this. You don't have to die from this. Nobody does. You have so many physical problems as it is, some days I worry it will be your last, please take this time to get healthy. Then, we can hang out and be "normal" (whatever that is). I know we will both recover. Annie you are going to do great things. Don't let your eating disorder be the end of you. I am here the whole time. I'm not leaving and I am not giving up on you.

Stay Strong Annie
Love,
Aria