Wow That Is Just Awesome

The first time I went into treatment: I did not think I had a problem, I thought I was eating plenty and I for sure did not think I had a problem. Obviously, some people around me disagreed and that is how my long journey to here got started. What I did not know was that some people agreed with me! Yesterday I was talking with my mom and somehow we got on the topic of my weight and how I want to know what it is. And somewhere in that conversation she let it slip that a good amount of people (both family and friends) had told her when I went away that it was ridiculous for I was not skinny enough. I did not look sick. I had simply lost weight and sending me away for an "eating disorder"( because obviously I didn't have one)...was crazy. I often find myself believing that I am not sick enough, that I never have been, I'm a not a "good" Anorexic. But now I know that my beliefs about myself aren't mine alone. Other people feel the same way about my body. I can only imagine what they thought when I went in the second time as I weighed more than the first and the third time I only weighed a slight bit less. All this time I have been told that I got too small and that I was "thin enough", but maybe not. As you can all tell, this has thoroughly messed with me. In fact I almost killed myself over it. But the fact is that as much as knowing this hurts and as much as it kills me...they will never know what I go through. And good for them because it is hell. Guess what? An eating disorder is an eating disorder. I don't care what you weigh. I had just as much of a problem then as I did the third time. No, I have never been crazy underweight. But I do have an eating disorder. And the fact that finding this out made me almost off myself tells me just how far I have to go. Since I do not post numbers on this blog...at the bottom I will post 4 pictures, one from before each stay and one of me now. No I am not totally healthy but I can tell you I am happier than in any of the earlier pictures.

What do you do when you find out hard things?

Stay Strong Aria

Before First Stay

Before Second Stay ( I am sitting down)

Before Third Stay 

And Now