Yom Kippur is the holiest day of the year in the Jewish religion and is not taken lightly. This particular holiday involves fasting in order to repent for your sins. I have fasted for as long as I can remember. Exceot two years ago when I was in the beginning of my treatment stay. In fact I even fasted last year ( no my treatment team did not approve). This year I promised them I eat today as fasting could possibly kill me. And Pikuach Nefesh (saving of a life) is above all else in the Jewish religion. Needless to say, eating last night through today was awful, the guilt was immeasurable. If I could, I would purge it all. Today would have been easier to keep food away from me. But I wasn't allowed to. At the same time you are supposed to fast in order to feel discomfort and eating gave me that feeling more than fasting ever will. As usual I had an appointment with my dietitian today and after finding that my weight isn't doing anything near what it needs to and how badly my stomach has been rejecting food and water..I have come to realize that as much as I feel like an "awful Jew" for not completely fasting today, I do see the Pikuach Nefesh. Hopefully next year I have gotten to the point where I am allowed to fast because my body will have healed itself and that it won't cause a relapse. Yom Kippur is all about asking G-D for forgiveness for all the sins you committed against him. In a way, my eating disorder is just that, so I truly hope that I am forgiven and written for a good year. For all who fasted, I hope that it doesn't hurt you and for those that are in the same boat as me...be easy on yourself.
Stay Strong
xo Aria
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