I Have Been Waiting To Write This

I get asked a lot what recovery looks like to me and for what seems like forever my answer was always when I am fat enough for everyone to leave me alone. I have told my treatment team that I see their jobs as making me fat and making me be okay with that. I have always considered recovery this far off ridiculous concept for myself. But today, I realized something. For the first time I can say that I am in recovery. I truly am. No, my weight is not exactly where my team wants it quite yet. But my definition of "recovery" has changed. It isn't about weight or food or whether I have bad days or weeks. It's all about my head and the decisions I make. I can work, go to school, do a sport, have friends...and eat. Food and weight have moved so far down on my priorities list. I just have so much going for me right now. Yes, it is a constant choice and a constant fight...recovery doesn't get a day off. Strangely, I am okay with that. I want this. I am making the choice to eat on plan everyday and I choose what I wear. I don't look at thinspo as often, I exercise because I love my sport and my team, and sometimes I even reach out for help. I am nowhere near recovered and that is okay too. I am closer than a week ago and that is all that matters. I am recovering, I am fighting. And I have NEVER been happier. I drank normal Starbucks today, ate extra food because I was with friends and we wanted it, I felt fat but still did what I wanted, I did all my homework. My life is becoming mine. And let me tell you, it feels so good. I don't really know what else to say. I am so shocked to realize how far I have come. I didn't even think about it till I was reading a play for school and noticed the quiet in my head even though I ate all day. To me that is the best part of all. I stopped trying so hard to recover perfectly, which always ended with relapse, and finally let down some of my walls...and now I have made more progress than I ever thought possible. There are so many people who have told me I could do it and have stood by me, and for once I believe them. I can do this. I can recover. For those of you who gave up on me...your mistake not my wrongdoing. Three treatment stays and tons of ER visits are aren't failures. How dare you get annoyed at me for them. I needed them. Hell, I might need a fourth stay sometime and that is okay too. What matters is that I am happy. To everyone that I met because of this journey, thank you for everything you taught me. And for friendships I would be so sad without. I know a lot of you don't believe it is possible to feel okay, I would have said the same thing just a few months ago, I promise it is. And fighting is worth every second. Every tear over a meal or snack. Totally worth it. I have cried over every food and calorie. And it was during those times that I learnt the most about myself and the people around me. There are those who will sit with you and those that will stand outside the room and tell you to get over it. Ignore the second ones, you don't need them. Whether they are friends or family, toxic people aren't needed. Believe me. I hate to say it but sometimes you just need to guard yourself from those closest to you to keep your recovery. But I promise you it will be worth it.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

" I am definitely not the broken girl I used to be"- Demi Lovato