When You Lose The High

Ask any eating disordered person (or person in general) and they will tell you that losing weight gives you a sense of euphoria. But what happens when you have just been up and down so many times and losing weight no longer does that? Well if you're me... You pretend it's still there. Or think that if you lose more it'll come back. But it doesn't. For me I've lost the high. When my weight drops I lose out on things that I love and get the dreaded " here we go again " feeling. I know longer jump up and down and feel so proud of myself. Losing weight feels almost as bad as gaining weight. The difference? One way I know I'm thin and miserable; the other fat and miserable. I'd prefer the first. Or neither. But that's not an option. So, yes the high will go away. And that will be the most confusing day of your life. For me that's today. For you maybe it won't be for years or maybe it was before me. I don't know. I just know that without the wonderful feeling, I have to pretend to get it. And it's just not the same. I need to find something else to give me that feeling. This will be an interesting week for sure. Lets see how it goes...

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Weird Stuff Can Happen

So today, I went into therapy mad at the world and not willing to change my mindset. At all. Usually these sessions are completely useless and just don't get anywhere. However, come the last 15 minutes things changed. I asked the question I've been waiting for. "Can I exercise?" And at first my therapist started laughing, and I can't blame her but I have worked hard and think I deserve it. Well. She said yes! And that changed my entire mood. It's amazing how one sentence can change your entire outlook on a day. Suddenly things just seemed to go better. I get to do what I love, and have permission to do so. I guess the point of this post is that, sometimes life really sucks but it can get better. And maybe all you have to do is ask the right question. 

During this session, we also had my dietitian on the phone. Kinda annoying. She told me how much weight I need to gain per week. Which is just ugh. But also promised she wouldn't let me go above a certain number. I'm trusting her with my life here. She better not betray my trust.

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Weight Gain and Food Increases

" hey there little fighter, soon it will be brighter"

Even just typing the title made me cringe. Weight gain is one of those things that can send me into a full blown anxiety attack. I don't see a need for it after a certain point. It's like my BMI is healthy now leave me alone. Unfortunately my team doesn't feel the same way. They are convinced that I cannot maintain my current weight without eating disorder behaviors but I can. And I know it cause I've done it for a couple weeks now. Granted I've been more stationary and been watched and struggled. But I've done it. Maybe this is just where my body wants to be. I wish my team saw it that way. They don't. Watching and feeling my body change, disturbs me. It feels foreign and like I don't belong in this body. I hate it. And the more I try to come to terms with it, the more weight I gain which restarts the process. I just wish weight gain wasn't such a part of the recovery process. I know eating disorders aren't all about weight. It's about how I feel about myself. But gaining weight makes me feel worse about myself so I don't see how it's helping. It just hurts. On top of that, a couple weeks ago I got my meal plan lowered while in treatment. Since discharging my dietitian has increased it back to where it was before the decrease. And I can't handle that. I mean how date she up it when I finally earned the privilege to not eat a crazy amount. It feels so punitive. Like I didn't do we'll enough in treatment to warrant keeping what I earned and fought for. It feels belittling and it makes me so anxious and upset. I thought I was doing ok. But apparently not well enough. This is why going to treatment is stupid. I earn things and learn new rules and then my team here changes everything and it totally throws me off. I worked so hard to reach my weight range ( that she is also trying to change) and now she wants me eating more food than even she eats. I just don't get random increases. I mean what's the point? To torture me when I already can't stand myself? Between weight gain and this increase, choosing recovery is becoming harder and harder and I just got home. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not be here. Not deal with any of this. Just have peace. But that's not what I've got right now.

How have you guys handled this?

Stay Strong

xo Aria

I Just Don't Understand

I don't understand how someone can know you have a mental illness and know that there are things they can do to help... But like refuse. I know you don't understand how my brain works. Hell I don't even understand it. However, if I can tell you that something would make my second day home from treatment easier and that it wouldn't affect you, why is it so hard for you to say fine? What stops you from wanting me to be successful no matter the "sacrifice" on your part? Not to mention, my eating gets worse while in your house. Of all places to question whether or not I'm eating... When I'm away isn't it. I'm actually not this super manipulative awful child you seem to think I am. I don't cry to manipulate you. I don't try and make my recovery easier just to manipulate you. In fact my recovery has nothing to do with you. You actually make things worse. You create conflict and stress and anxiety that isn't necessary just because you don't approve of what helps me. You say you want a better relationship with me. But all you do is push me away. To be quite honest you are putting me through more hell than my eating disorder. And I can't handle it. You can't take your anger out on me. I'm your kid. You're the parent. Find your own outlet. That isn't me and certainly isn't me when I'm trying to find my footing again. I don't know what I did to you that you can't just be a decent person to me. And I'm sorry that I have an issue and that I'm such a shitty daughter. But I'm what you've got right now. So stop hurting me. Please. Just try and understand. Please.

Has anyone else had major family issues?

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Lazy Days

I hate being or rather feeling lazy. So today I'm challenging myself to do just that. I've only gotten out of bed to get food. And coffee. Because really coffee is life. I feel so unproductive and awful right now. I should be moving around and doing things. But I'm not. I want to see if being lazy will actually make me gain weight. Because let's be real that's probably my biggest fear in the entire world. Being fat. Which is how I feel constantly. But normally I deal by moving around as much as possible. So to stay still is so hard. The worst part is that everyone in the house just thinks I'm isolating and being closed off. But actually I'm doing a recovery experiment. I want to see how I feel at the end of a lazy day and if it affects my tomorrow. It probably will. But you never know. Being stationary and not doing things that I could is driving me insane. There are so many more important things I could be doing. Like walking around. Making important phone calls. Or just getting up for more than food. I mean getting up for food is a big step considering 6 weeks ago I would not have done that. I don't know if it's the laying around or the laying around with food in me that's driving me crazier. I hate knowing that the calories are seeping into me when I have the power to stop it.  Everyone has lazy days right? People eat more than me and than sit around right? I'm not crazy? I feel crazy. 

Anybody else have issues with being lazy?

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Photo Timelines

I can go through my Facebook photos and the ones on my phone and tell what I weighed in every picture. I can tell you whether or not I was eating. I can tell you whether or not I ever want to look like that again. I can compare one from a year ago to one from last month. Some people would say it's a dangerous thing to do. To compare photos from your lowest to your highest. It certainly doesn't make me feel any better. But it reinforces what I know to be true. At points I was skinny and at points I wasn't skinny. It makes me long for the days of bones sticking out and an almost concave stomach. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss that. I miss it everyday. Every time I look in the mirror I pray to see what I once was. Was I happier? No. But I knew that I had the possibility of being the skinniest girl in a room and I liked that. I liked knowing that I was thin but not thin enough for people to think I was sick. I was on a dangerous line. But I managed. Now having been in treatment and gaining the weight back. I can see the difference in pictures. It makes me cringe. I want the bones back. But I want to stay out of treatment. But the bones made me feel so light and delicate and I liked that. I liked knowing that when people hugged me they could feel my spine. But no longer. No longer are my ribs visible or my spine protruding. They are now covered in fat once again. And I am faced with the same dilemma. Do I compare myself to my previous self? Or do I move forward and I try to accept that I can't have that and be healthy? That is where I'm stuck. I'm not just comparing to others but to myself. So I can't win.

Do you compare photos?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

One More Week

I have one week of treatment left. The past five weeks have been full of laughs and tears. Making friends, sharing stories, and trying to help. I wouldn't give back this stay for anything. The people I met are so incredible and their stories are astonishing. I have formed bonds with staff and let them see me in my most vulnerable moments. I haven't played the perfect patient. I have stared at meals, I have cried after, I have participated in groups. For me these are a big deal. But something is different this time. Rather than be so ready to get out and go home. I am actually terrified to go home. I don't know how I will keep this up. I can barely do it here. In a completely safe place. A place where I have come to trust those around me. My ambivalence towards recovery continues to be such an issue. And in the real world, I can act on urges. I can relapse. I basically did at one point while still here. Not to say that spending six weeks in treatment has nothing. I have learned tons of things. Somethings I never heard, and others that were simply reinforced. The problem is that I haven't gotten my mind where it needs to be to continue this way. Half of me is still planning to lose more weight when I leave. Part of me still can rationalize skipping things and feel guilty for putting a single calorie in to my body. I feel huge and disgusting. Which is common when leaving treatment after gaining weight. But I don't know if I can handle this. And I have to do a summer school course on top of it. That's a lot of stress. I don't know. I mean this summer would be a great time to focus on myself and getting to healthy place before school starts. But I have a greater priority now in place. Making sure I graduate and then college apps come out in August. Recovery may have to take a back seat right away. School is first. Sorry.

What are your priorities?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Why Can't I See Myself The Way Others Do?!?!?

I know the easy answer to that, I have an eating disorder. But I mean is my vision really that warped? I swear everyone is bigger than me. And it doesn't help being in a place 5 days a week where a lot of the people are legitimately smaller than I am. I don't even necessarily feel fat. I feel out of place in my body. Like I want to curl out of my skin. I don't feel right. I feel like I'm in someone else's body with all the fat and jiggling flesh. This body isn't mine. But it is. But it can't be. I feel so out of place in my own body. Like I no longer control it. I miss being smaller. I miss feeling slightly more at home in my body. I just wish it didn't feel so foreign. Like I'm a ghost inhabiting a body. I want to feel whole. Like a person. But I don't. And I don't know how long I can stand to feel like this. I'm going insane. My thoughts are scary and never ending. I want things to stop. I want to feel at peace. And I want to feel like a part of my body. I want to be skinny and frail. I want to look sick. I want to know who I am. Everyone says I'm pretty and thin but I don't see it. I don't even recognize the face in the mirror anymore.


Any advice?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Get Out

I want these thoughts out of my head. I don't want a fourth treatment stay. I want my senior year. But they won't leave. Meals come up and in they rush. Telling me how fat and awful I am. I don't want to feel like this anymore. But what do you think about if not about food and weight. I just want to have no thoughts. I want everything to slow down. I want a clear brain and a fresh start. But I can't. I'm already contaminated. The voices take over 3 or more times a day and I can't get rid of them. They die down when I'm on stage. When I'm being someone else. Because those people don't have eating disorders. There's no place for my crazy racing mind. I have to focus. But I can't focus all the time. How do I get rid of them during normal times? Like at school or when I'm with friends. I want them gone but they're here to stay. I have no control over them. Ugh

What gives you hope in times like this?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

To Recover or To Not Recover

The last few days I haven't been able to be more than ambivalent towards recovering. I hate my body and I'm not even at my goal weight. I'm eating a ridiculous amount of food. And I feel so drained emotionally. Recovery just seems so hard and so far out of reach. I just don't know if its worth it. But at the same time I want to be able to go out for ice cream or drink regular soda without a panic attack. And I want to like myself. I really do. Ugh. On top of all this I am debating whether or not to go to residential after Princeton. I can see where it would be beneficial but it would also entail putting a year off of college. So I'm all conflicted. Especially considering I don't even know if I want to recover. I don't see anything so great about it. What makes you want to recover?

Stay Strong
xo Aria