Stay Strong (aka my last post)

I honestly cannot believe I am writing this post. I never thought this would happen. But here we are. It's come to my attention that when I'm doing well, which is most of the time now, I don't have much to blog about and that's not fair to all of you following my journey. So, this will be my last post on THIS blog. I have set up a new one for my life in recovery where you all can keep up with me. It will have more fun stories mixed in with the struggles when they happen. I know I could just keep this blog and do the same thing but that's not why I started this one and I want it to end here. The new url will be at the bottom of this overly long post,  I promise.

There is so much I want to shove into this one post. So so much. I don't really know where to start. I guess I can start with how life is. It's really good! I'm so glad I am not in treatment and not starving. I'm having a really good time. I will admit that part of me really wishes I was sicker than I am. And sometimes I even trick myself into thinking it. I will admit that I don't love my body. But I'm not actively trying to change it either. Basically... I'm okay.

Now, my message to all of you that are struggling. You are incredible. People with eating disorders are honestly the most amazing people I have ever met and spoken to. Hearing your stories and helping you through struggles, having some tell me that my blog has shown them hope and made them feel less alone...I can't even put into words how much that means to me. I want you to know that you are never ever alone. That you can beat this. It is possible. It is hard and scary and you are going to cry and emotions are going to smack in the face. But in the end it is so so worth it. I promise you. Don't get sucked into other people's eating disorders. You need to focus on you. Stay strong for yourself. Once you have the strength to do that,  then try and stay strong for others. It is just what has to be done.

To those of you that are reading that know people struggling, this message is for you. DONT GIVE UP ON THEM. EVER. We are stronger than we seem. And if you give up on us then we are going to give up on ourselves completely. Believe in them. Be there for them. Listen. Don't judge. Sometimes we just need an ear and maybe a hug. I've heard from so many that are scared for those they love and you often want to take drastic measures or you are done and want to walk away. There is a middle ground. Find it. It will be different for everyone. For me, having my parents as the food police was too far and made me angry but having my mom say she gives up and walk away destroyed my confidence. I needed structure but not from her. So,  my treatment team has taken over a bit more. There is always a middle ground. Search for it. Ask the person. But whatever you do, don't walk away. ( on a side note: if you are a caregiver for someone... make sure to indulge in self care for you as well. We all need it.)

Lastly, a message for myself. Never forget what you have been through to get here. Countless hours spent exercising and body checking and obsessing. Hundreds of papers with calories written down. Three treatment stays in 3 different states. Tons of ER visits. Almost failing high school. Scaring everyone you care about. You did not get here overnight and if you go back... you may never get here again. Appreciate the moment. Celebrate the small successes. Allow yourself to have fun and live for once. You deserve it as much as anyone else does. Be honest with yourself. Learn to go outside your comfort zone, it is much more entertaining. Love with all your heart.

I cannot thank you all enough for following me on my journey. It is far from over though. I am so excited to have you guys go with me to the next chapter of my life! Starting today you can follow me at : rediscovering-aria.blogspot.com

This is SO exciting!!!

Stay Strong,
xo Aria

I'm Okay... For Real

I was texting a good friend of mine earlier and was so angry about how life just hasn't been in my favor. She pointed out that maybe now it will be. Life isn't fair and I will have to work harder than others.  That is true. But maybe once I believe in myself, things will turn around. She seems to think I can move mountains and I don't think I can quite that influential but you never know. I just have to see what she sees first.  By all accounts I should be half dead by now and in another treatment center but I'm not. I'm 13 months self harm free and 6 months out of treatment,  I have a job and a college acceptance letter and I'm back doing the sport I love with all my heart. So, no I don't totally believe in myself and yes I still struggle but I'm really okay. I'm healthy. And my life is pretty great right now. Who knows? Maybe someday I will move mountains. Thank you Becca. I needed that today.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

So You Are Walking In The Desert...

You are walking in the desert with one other person. You have one canteen between you (it's your canteen) and it has enough water to save one of you. By Jewish law, who do you save?

Think about it.

The answer: YOU. If you save yourself you are guaranteed to save one life and you can then go on and help other people in the world. You can make sure that you make a difference.

This was brought up in the Hebrew High School class I was in tonight and it really struck a chord with me. The idea of saving life is highly regarded in the Jewish religion. You save yourself, you only follow what you can and still be healthy. You put yourself first in order to be able to help other people. After all if you are gone then you aren't helping anyone.

Hebrew school is not the first place I heard this recently but it is the place that it clicked. My treatment team has been telling me this same fact for almost 2 years. If I give everything I have (my canteen) to other people, I am not guaranteed to save them and it is not guaranteed that they will go on and help others. If I put myself first and help as I can then I save myself and guarantee that I live for longer than I probably would and can help more people.

As much as this sounds so incredibly selfish to me and probably most of you... it is actually quite the opposite. You can die and maybe help one person or you can live and help many.

Which helps the greater good?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Couch Time

So, yesterday I hurt my ankle (again) at gymnastics and I couldn't walk on it. The gym lent me crutches and I got home. This morning I can put  a little more pressure on it but it really hurts still. Naturally I texted my coach and asked what to do as I work tomorrow and have practice Tuesday. She said to try and walk on it every 4 hours but otherwise stay off it. Meaning I have to eat today but can't move. This is possibly one of the most terrifying days I've had in a while. I can get through eating usually but I also constantly move. And today I have orders to literally stay still except for every four hours. Meaning I still have like 1.5 more to go before I try again. This is awful. I feel so fat and unwothy. Not to mention a clutz. I already had a minor concussion. Plus, the ankle I hurt already had nerve and ligament issues. And the other one never totally healed from a fracture. Ugh. This sucks. I hate my life. Well parts. Today sucks. Not moving doesn't really work so well for me. I even walk while doing homework. Which I have tons of. But I'm going to start that after my first try walking. I just can't handle all the sitting.

How do you handle eating while not moving?

xo
Aria

Well. Crap.

So today I got weighed. And after the longest week ever, aka Thanksgiving. I lost. BIG SHOCKER. Well not really. I mean without going into specifics, I already kinda knew I had. I wear leotards all the time. I know how they fit. All my clothes are getting bigger. My head is clearer and food is taking longer than ever. I didn't realize how much I was playing with fire. I just don't want to eat more than necessary. I guess I don't really know what that is but nobody does. So, it's kind of a guessing game. And my therapist said something last week that really threw me off. She told me that whether or not I fight it, recovery is going to happen.  And I don't like that I can't even control my own recovery. This blog post isn't so much a lesson or anything but mostly just me catching up with myself if you didn't notice. Haha. I don't even know what I am doing anymore. Like I had the best weekend ever at a gymnastics camp and have a great job and friends and all this amazing stuff. But at the same time I was willing to risk it all just to stay at the bottom of my weight range. And oh look I fell out of it. Like this shouldn't be a surprise but it is?!? I don't even understand myself anymore. On the bright side I still get to practice this week. Yayyy. And I got my copy of Wintergirls back from my therapist. Finally. I mean not everything has been bad. I just can't figure out how I let my minor messing with my meal plan become so major. And I'm angry with myself about it. And don't know if I want to fix it. Which is even more upsetting. I guess the point is... I failed. And I don't know if I can make this right this time.

Anyone else confused?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Tornado (a poem)

The air is cold
But I am sweating
I whirl around and around
Just looking for a way out
It doesn't have to go this way
I can slow down
Nothing has to be destroyed
It is too late
The damage is done
My mind is a war zone
Things torn down and houses gone
There used to be love and happiness
Now all I have left is what I can grab
Nothing more
My motivation was torn
My life destroyed in front of my face
How can I eat now?
I must
But how?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

I'm Still Good

There's a Hannah Montana song called I'm Still Good and right now it kinda describes my life. Saturday night I made a huge mistake and weighed myself. This of course sent me into a tailspin that is still going on. Between restricting and just hating everything... it's been a long couple days. But I was in the car today and this song came on. And it along with my therapist and dietitian who have been crazy supportive, helped me realize that I can stand up. It's okay to slip up. But you can't lay down and let everything slip away. I've worked too hard for that. So, whether it be today or tomorrow, I need to pick myself again and prove that I'm not that broken girl anymore. I can eat. It's scary and I don't want to. But I can. And I have to. I've let this go on for so long. And yes I hate everything about myself right now and may have considered ending everything last night....but I didn't. There's a reason I am here and a reason I have these opportunities. I will pick myself up again and show that I am still good.

How do you come back from a lapse?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Bracelets

I'm not talking about normal bracelets. I am talking about hospital bracelets. Ones from the ER and hospital wards and residential treatment centers. The bracelets with numbers and codes on them. The ones that you get defined by. I have a collection of these. Around 15 or so actually. Some because I was admitted, others because I ripped them off. Every time I get a new one, it only confirms one thing. I am a number, an eating disorder, another "messed up" teenager. When I point this out I end up upsetting people who care about me but it's true. I've been reduced to a number so many times that I am not even sure I am a person anymore. Between bracelets and scars and pounds.... I am a number. The first bracelet confirmed that. And the diagnosis with it confirmed the rest of the numbers after. When I go to the ER I keep the bracelet on for hours after discharge. It feels right. Normal. My wrists feel empty and strange without the laminated paper and plastic. I have become those numbers printed on the bracelets or encoded within them. They define me. I am a number.

How do the numbers make you feel?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Homecoming

Last night was homecoming. Between being uncomfortable with my body and being around someone else with an obvious eating disorder....it was rough. But I made the best of it. Food was quite honestly awful yesterday. Big lapse. But I accept responsibility for it happening. Either way it was my senior homecoming. And it was worth every ounce I had to put on to go.

Sometimes You Just Need A Minute

This week has been so incredibly hard for me with food. I have been sick all week and it just makes everything worse. My anxiety had been anything but under control. And today I had to eat something that kinda terrifies me after a slip last night (see next post). However, today has been full of a lot of thinking. And this is what I came up with.

You don't eat so you can go to bed every night cursing recovery. You don't cry over food so you have a reason to never eat again. You don't grasp at numbers to allow yourself that one bite of something. You eat so that you can try and live without those things. Not just for the big things like school or sports but for the every day things you miss out on. Like watching tv in sweatpants with one of your best friends, laughing when you trip over yourself 30 times in a row, jumping into piles of leaves. You sit and cry over food so that you can do things without food. So that not every meal takes 2 hours. Recovery sucks and is hard and is uncomfortable as hell. But some moments are worth it.

How does being sick affect your mindset?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Maybe I Need...An Exorcism?

Not literally but basically. Yesterday, I was an awful person to my treatment team. I called them names and told them what awful people they are. Don't get me wrong in the moment I meant everything I said. But reading back over the messages, I don't even recognize the person who said them. And my team certainly didn't deserve it. Yes, I was angry and upset and felt trapped. But I could have handled it so much better. My therapist (yes she is still talking to me) and I were discussing it today and she brought up an analogy (so not a shocker). When my eating disorder gets out of hand in my head, I take it out on those around me, almost as if I am possessed. And if last night were the movie version, my head would have been spinning around and I would've have been spitting soup everywhere. This reminded me of parts of the book Brave Girl Eating, where the author's daughter actually speaks her innermost thoughts about herself aloud which the author calls the devil. Except rather than spewing my actual thoughts, I just say really mean things to everyone else. And then I tell them they can fire me or leave me, depending on the relationship. I am terribly scared of being abandoned and I guess I would rather have them leave because I did something than just leave. Point being, maybe I do need to accept that at this moment my eating disorder really kinda is like the devil....ironic considering I don't believe in satan. Which would make every meal an exorcism of sorts.

To end this newly found idea, someone asked me to write a letter to a *person* I hate and well I don't hate any actual people. But at the moment as much as I want to relapse, I also really hate my eating disorder and what I end up saying and doing to protect it. So, I guess here it goes:

Dear Ana,
 You have taken everything from me. Weight, life, friends, fun, everything. I thought we were friends. But now you have turned into someone I never wanted to be. And I hate you for it. Yes, relapse looks nice but nobody is guaranteed to live through their next one and I don't want to die with you at my side.

Have you ever said awful things to people you really care about?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Something to Live For

Wow. This last week has been a roller coaster...and I apologize for not posting sooner. I have been so immensely suicidal and I don't really know why. I don't want to go into details on my thoughts as they can be triggering and aren't really necessary for what I am going to say/ sing. This whole week I have been trying to hold onto everything that I could live for. And every time I  just kept losing sight of them. No, I didn't end up in the ER, thank goodness but I do feel so numb and depressed and just awful. Anyway, the first thing I truly felt this week was pain and then pride. I totally ripped my hands on bars at practice and it hurt and still does but the only reason that happened is because I kept trying even though it hurt and I was scared. And normally I would have just given up. If I had to pick two emotions to feel I would pick those. I can live for those moments. I don't need to live for others or to accomplish some crazy goal or even for recovery. I need to live for moments of accomplishment and moments of defeat that make the former even better. So, yes I feel awful and kinda want to die. But I don't think it is my time just yet.

I said I was gonna sing for you all, and I am. The Command Sisters (see facebook URL at bottom) wrote a beautiful song called "Something to Live For" and I am going to cover it for you.

Here we go.

How do you have to live for?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

https://www.facebook.com/TheCommandSisters?fref=ts

Sooo Clothing

One of my longest held is beliefs is that I should buy clothes that fit and then lose weight till they fall off and then NEVER let them fit again. The problem is that, right now, my clothes fit. Sure, some things are a little big or fit differently. But the problem is them fitting in general. Putting on outfits is becoming increasingly difficult. Things fitting is like on of my biggest fears. I purposefully buy things so that I can feel better when they are draping. My wonderful therapist decided to remind me today that there is no going back. No back-up plan. I have to deal with this like a "normal" person. Meaning no losing the weight, no starving, no anything like that. Pushing through. Dealing with the anxiety without self-sabotaging. Ugh. Is it so bad that I want my clothes to be big? It makes me feel smaller and gave me the ability to gauge my weight since I no longer have a scale. I would like to say that as I am writing this I am having some massive realization that I sound ridiculous....but alas it is not so. I still feel so strange in my clothes and in my body. Almost like I am not connected to it. Or like I am not meant to be in it. I don't really know what that means. I guess it means that I still have major work to do. Which is okay. I just wish this was easier. My back-up plan apparently no longer exists according to my team. So, there is only so much I can do. Plus, having a fourth stay right now, sounds awful and it would mean no gymnastics. Boo! 

Any advice on this?

Stay Strong

xo Aria

I Like Foods?

Liking...food? I know, crazy concept. But apparently I do actually like some foods. I didn't really think about it until I was sitting in therapy eating a muffin (because what else is therapy for). My therapist pointed out that I was eating a blueberry muffin and asked me if I "like" those or chocolate chip ones more. And my first response was which do I LIKE or which do I feel better eating? Of course she wanted to know the first and quite honestly I told her that I like chocolate chip ones more. No, it isn't "healthy" but it tastes really good. I guess what is interesting is that I am figuring out what foods I genuinely like and dislike. Not based on fear (entirely) but whether or not I actually enjoy the taste/ texture of them. For example I HATE the taste of tomatoes, I always have and always will and I HATE the anything orange flavored...it's just gross. But I LOVE peanut butter and I could eat Chipotle pretty much all week. Tomatoes and things that taste or smell like oranges or oranges in general aren't "bad", I just dislike them...a lot. And that's okay. I have also found that somethings I thought I liked, I actually don't. For example, black coffee...not really my cup of tea (see what I did there haha). Or like it turns out that plain lettuce tastes like nothing. Which still is weird to me. But I am learning little things. And each day is a new experience. I like that too.

What foods do you like or dislike?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

I Have Been Waiting To Write This

I get asked a lot what recovery looks like to me and for what seems like forever my answer was always when I am fat enough for everyone to leave me alone. I have told my treatment team that I see their jobs as making me fat and making me be okay with that. I have always considered recovery this far off ridiculous concept for myself. But today, I realized something. For the first time I can say that I am in recovery. I truly am. No, my weight is not exactly where my team wants it quite yet. But my definition of "recovery" has changed. It isn't about weight or food or whether I have bad days or weeks. It's all about my head and the decisions I make. I can work, go to school, do a sport, have friends...and eat. Food and weight have moved so far down on my priorities list. I just have so much going for me right now. Yes, it is a constant choice and a constant fight...recovery doesn't get a day off. Strangely, I am okay with that. I want this. I am making the choice to eat on plan everyday and I choose what I wear. I don't look at thinspo as often, I exercise because I love my sport and my team, and sometimes I even reach out for help. I am nowhere near recovered and that is okay too. I am closer than a week ago and that is all that matters. I am recovering, I am fighting. And I have NEVER been happier. I drank normal Starbucks today, ate extra food because I was with friends and we wanted it, I felt fat but still did what I wanted, I did all my homework. My life is becoming mine. And let me tell you, it feels so good. I don't really know what else to say. I am so shocked to realize how far I have come. I didn't even think about it till I was reading a play for school and noticed the quiet in my head even though I ate all day. To me that is the best part of all. I stopped trying so hard to recover perfectly, which always ended with relapse, and finally let down some of my walls...and now I have made more progress than I ever thought possible. There are so many people who have told me I could do it and have stood by me, and for once I believe them. I can do this. I can recover. For those of you who gave up on me...your mistake not my wrongdoing. Three treatment stays and tons of ER visits are aren't failures. How dare you get annoyed at me for them. I needed them. Hell, I might need a fourth stay sometime and that is okay too. What matters is that I am happy. To everyone that I met because of this journey, thank you for everything you taught me. And for friendships I would be so sad without. I know a lot of you don't believe it is possible to feel okay, I would have said the same thing just a few months ago, I promise it is. And fighting is worth every second. Every tear over a meal or snack. Totally worth it. I have cried over every food and calorie. And it was during those times that I learnt the most about myself and the people around me. There are those who will sit with you and those that will stand outside the room and tell you to get over it. Ignore the second ones, you don't need them. Whether they are friends or family, toxic people aren't needed. Believe me. I hate to say it but sometimes you just need to guard yourself from those closest to you to keep your recovery. But I promise you it will be worth it.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

" I am definitely not the broken girl I used to be"- Demi Lovato

Dear Future Me

A few months ago I posted a letter I wrote to my younger self and what I would want her to know. But the thing is that there's a few things I hope for my future self. So, I wrote myself a letter. Here we go.

Dear Future Me,
Laying here in bed in pain from practice, I can't really imagine what your life is like. I know what I am doing now and what I dream for. I wish for happiness and friends and college and love. I wish for a life worth living. Hopefully, you (I) have that. I hope you got to be happy for real and that you made it to the other side.  I hope you follow your dreams and that you love the life YOU chose. I don't know where we are or what we are doing. The future doesn't even seem real. But I want you to know that we are so strong and that you should never forget where you came from. Competing this year was never in the cards...we did it. I guess I only have two questions...

Was it worth it?

Are you happy?

Love,
You

What would you say to your future self?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Wow That Is Just Awesome

The first time I went into treatment: I did not think I had a problem, I thought I was eating plenty and I for sure did not think I had a problem. Obviously, some people around me disagreed and that is how my long journey to here got started. What I did not know was that some people agreed with me! Yesterday I was talking with my mom and somehow we got on the topic of my weight and how I want to know what it is. And somewhere in that conversation she let it slip that a good amount of people (both family and friends) had told her when I went away that it was ridiculous for I was not skinny enough. I did not look sick. I had simply lost weight and sending me away for an "eating disorder"( because obviously I didn't have one)...was crazy. I often find myself believing that I am not sick enough, that I never have been, I'm a not a "good" Anorexic. But now I know that my beliefs about myself aren't mine alone. Other people feel the same way about my body. I can only imagine what they thought when I went in the second time as I weighed more than the first and the third time I only weighed a slight bit less. All this time I have been told that I got too small and that I was "thin enough", but maybe not. As you can all tell, this has thoroughly messed with me. In fact I almost killed myself over it. But the fact is that as much as knowing this hurts and as much as it kills me...they will never know what I go through. And good for them because it is hell. Guess what? An eating disorder is an eating disorder. I don't care what you weigh. I had just as much of a problem then as I did the third time. No, I have never been crazy underweight. But I do have an eating disorder. And the fact that finding this out made me almost off myself tells me just how far I have to go. Since I do not post numbers on this blog...at the bottom I will post 4 pictures, one from before each stay and one of me now. No I am not totally healthy but I can tell you I am happier than in any of the earlier pictures.

What do you do when you find out hard things?

Stay Strong Aria

Before First Stay

Before Second Stay ( I am sitting down)

Before Third Stay 

And Now

Yom Kippur And An Eating Disorder

Yom Kippur is the holiest day of the year in the Jewish religion and is not taken lightly. This particular holiday involves fasting in order to repent for your sins. I have fasted for as long as I can remember. Exceot two years ago when I was in the beginning of my treatment stay. In fact I even fasted last year ( no my treatment team did not approve). This year I promised them I eat today as fasting could possibly kill me. And Pikuach Nefesh (saving of a life) is above all else in the Jewish religion. Needless to say, eating last night through today was awful, the guilt was immeasurable. If I could, I would purge it all. Today would have been easier to keep food away from me. But I wasn't allowed to. At the same time you are supposed to fast in order to feel discomfort and eating gave me that feeling more than fasting ever will. As usual I had an appointment with my dietitian today and after finding that my weight isn't doing anything near what it needs to and how badly my stomach has been rejecting food and water..I have come to realize that as much as I feel like an "awful Jew" for not completely fasting today, I do see the Pikuach Nefesh. Hopefully next year I have gotten to the point where I am allowed to fast because my body will have healed itself and that it won't cause a relapse. Yom Kippur is all about asking G-D for forgiveness for all the sins you committed against him. In a way, my eating disorder is just that, so I truly hope that I am forgiven and written for a good year. For all who fasted, I hope that it doesn't hurt you and for those that are in the same boat as me...be easy on yourself.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

The Music Box- A Poem

Round and Round and Round I Go
Same Places Same Faces With Nothing To Show
I Spin and I Twirl for All To See
They Say My Dance is So Pretty
Little Do They Know How Stuck I Feel
In My Little Old Box With Corners of Steel
I Wear a Pink TuTu That Flares Out Just Right
And When They Shut Me Down at Night
My Thoughts Suddenly Become a Reality
For the Little Dancer They All Know so Well
Doesn't Like to Dance at all
She Feels Lost and Alone and Fears a Terrible Fright
So She Takes a Few Pills To Make Everything Alright
I Lay in My Box All Quiet and Sound
Hoping in the Morning I am Too Be Found
And Once Again Start My Little Dance
My Little Pink TuTu Will Pop Up With Glee
As Long as the Pills Don't Kill Me
Round and Round and Round I Go, When Will I Stop?
Nobody Knows

Stay Strong
xo Aria

New Year....New Me?

Thursday is Rosh Hashanah or the Jewish New Year. As we prepare to enter year 5774, I am taking time to reflect on this past year. This time last year I was freshly out of treatment for the second time and starting junior year of high school. I didn't think I would recover and knew for sure I wouldn't keep my weight where it was. I didn't have much of a grasp on anything and personally I just wasn't that great of a person. I don't remember much of the early parts of 5773...probably because I couldn't think straight. Over this past year, I have learnt so much. I have been pushed further than I ever thought possible and I have pushed other people so far I worried they would leave me. I landed back in treatment, I almost died multiple times, I hurt myself, I fought getting better, I lost friends. But I also got out of treatment, lived, stopped self-harming, I had some truly happy moments, and learnt who my friends are.

The point of this post is more than to reflect on whether or not I wasted 5773 but rather to ask for forgiveness and give thanks. Let us start with the former. For those of you that I hurt or didn't help enough or made worry...I am completely and utterly sorry. I shouldn't have treated you the way I did, you deserve so much better. You are all such incredible people. For those I didn't help enough, I wish I could have. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in myself, I probably could've done more. I probably could have given the help you wanted from me. And for those I made worry. To you all, I am the sorriest of all. You shouldn't have had to worry about me. You still don't have too. I know I don't always take the greatest care of myself, but a large amount of you, have more important things to worry about than me. I am truly sorry for taking up space in your mind that I don't deserve. I hope all of you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Now I would also like to thank certain people or groups of people. To my treatment team, yes I do complain about you two a whole awful lot...but when it comes down to it, you haven't left my side and for that I thank you. You have been there through countless ups and downs and dealt with me and my ridiculousness on too many occasions. As I sit here typing, part of me is worried that soon you will give up and just fire me. Just know that even if you do, I am still eternally grateful to have you as my team. To my family, you will never read this as you don't have my URL but as much as I complain about you guys and we fight...I love each and every member. From mom and dad to my cousins. You each have a different relationship with me and I don't know what I do without all of your support. To Becca and Joe (and Kol and Jesse), not many people can claim they have two places to call home. But I can and that is so amazing. Over this year, you all have become family to me and I don't know if I would be the person I am today without that. I have learnt so much from you. Everything from how to be preppy (sometimes it IS necessary) to how to be a superhero (you do need a cape).You all have had every oppurtunity to give up on me and kick me out of your house and never have. Thank you. To my friends, there really isn't much to say that I haven't told you each in person. You made me appreciate things I never noticed, you shut up me up when I say how awful I look, you have gotten me through treatment stays, you have never left my side. And this year we will graduate together. I am so happy to have each of you in my life. I love you guys so so much.

So, yes 5773 was a long tumultuous year...but it was also an incredible and fun one. I am so excited to see what 5774 has to bring!

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Dear Annie

Dear Annie,
 You are about to start another treatment stay. I know how upset you are about this and I know how much you feel like it is a waste of time. What you don't know is how much I am rooting for you, a ton of us are. I completely and utterly believe in you and your ability to finally beat this. I know we didn't become friends till almost the end of our time in treatment together, but I am so glad we did. You are such an amazing person and you want to help people so badly. Hell you spent a good two days trying to get me into more treatment. Which I probably should have agreed to, but I didn't. You have another chance to do this right. And I know you can. Yes, you do have weight to gain (shocker) but that is just part of it. You can learn so much if you try. I know you can. I don't put all my faith in somebody if I don't truly believe in them. I know you can beat this. You don't have to die from this. Nobody does. You have so many physical problems as it is, some days I worry it will be your last, please take this time to get healthy. Then, we can hang out and be "normal" (whatever that is). I know we will both recover. Annie you are going to do great things. Don't let your eating disorder be the end of you. I am here the whole time. I'm not leaving and I am not giving up on you.

Stay Strong Annie
Love,
Aria

Fear Foods

For the first time in a few weeks, I took a look at my Fear Foods Checklist and I realized,well, two things. One, I had a few things to cross off (!!!!) and that some of the ones I am still scared of are a little silly. Not saying that I will be able to eat all of them any time soon but some of them...really just make no sense. Actually none of them make sense. Why am I scared? And what am I scared of? I suppose it could be because I seriously don't trust myself or my body. So, feeding it foods that I have avoided for so long is a little terrifying. I don't know how it will respond to them. I don't know if I will all of a sudden gain tons of weight and that's why I refuse to touch them. But I am getting better. The real meaning for this post wasn't to tell you all about the fact that I have fear foods ( little obvious) but to help myself see some light in the darkness that has been the last couple weeks. This relapse has majorly affected my mental state and I just have felt so helpless and like nobody can help me and that I am going to die from this. However, even though my weight may have suffered a little and I haven't been the greatest person...I still managed to get past some major things and that is awesome! And nobody did it for me, yes I was pushed, but ultimately I did it. I did this for myself and I can come back from this. I can save myself. I just need to surrender to the process. I did before and I can again. So, no I am not on the greatest path right now but I can fix that and get myself back, just like how I can eat those things again with a ton less anxiety. I think I got this. I just need a little more hope.

Light in the darkness can be nice.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

English 12....I'm a Senior!!!!

Yep I am officially a high school senior. Which means English 12. And English is my favorite subject...so this is very exciting. As I like to share my little favorite things with you all, I thought I would share my first English assignment with you! My job was to write a letter to my teacher telling her about myself. So, here it is. (Keep reading after for an update on my recovery....or lack thereof)!

**

Dear, Mrs.X

      I feel, as a high school senior, that I should have tons of amazing things to tell you about myself. However, I don’t think I do. But I will tell you what comes into my mind when asked to describe myself. I love reading anything and everything; I could easily spend hours in a library. I strongly believe in complete self-expression and letting people know who you are. My friends are my life, I love each of them for different things and they are the reason I made it this far. I don’t believe in free time, it drives me crazy. I take great pride in my own personal appearance and how people view me. I think how people think is utterly fascinating and watching them talk about what they love is the beautiful moment. Just like everyone I see during my day, I’m figuring myself out.

    My free time, or lack thereof, is taken up with everything that makes me feel whole. Weeks consist of theatre at Drama Learning Center, gymnastics practice, writing for my blog, volunteering for the Special Olympics, being with friends, and working at Columbia Gymnastics. Theatre and gymnastics are the true loves of my life. There is something so freeing about them in totally different ways. Theatre is self-expression and performance while gymnastics is possibly the most challenging and heart wrenching sport, but I love it. You get to fly and learn to surpass all the limits you set for yourself. I do keep a blog of the things that go on in my life and it has about five thousand views on it. Every day it surprises me that people actually care about what I have to say. It truly shows just how much power one person has in the world.

    I am on my youth group board as the Executive Vice President and that took up most of my summer, along with everything else I do. I spent about 40 hours a week in my synagogue working and planning for the year. Towards the end of the summer I went away to the beach for a week with my family and boyfriend. It was the best time. Being the highly perfectionistic person that I am, it was the first time in a while that I just let my hair down. My summer ended with Encampment with my youth group where my team won color war and my friends and I ate legitimately two pounds of Twizzlers.

     Lastly, I like to live my life my quotes. Whether it be little popular ones like “Stay Strong” or longer ones like “ For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.” (Audrey Hepburn). I just feel as if things are said for a reason and can truly push us forward. I use different ones for different circumstances. To end this letter I will leave you with my favorite for life, “ Good, better, best, never let it rest. Until your good is better and your better is best.”

 ***

SO, as promised a little life update. This past week has been really rough food wise. I was supposed to gain a certain amount of weight by today....and let's just say it didn't happen. I don't know what is getting to me. I can do this. I know I can. At least I hope so. 

How do you hold on to hope? and how would you describe yourself?

Stay Strong

xo Aria

My Sport

I know I made a previous post about my love for gymnastics but it's been a while so here's another. Before I start let me give you the background. My dietitian and I are discussing what the sport is, not literally but to the athletes. The first paragraph will be what I said and the second will be her response.

Ok. This sport is the most gut wrenching, analytical, death defying, hard ass sport. It takes pointing your toes till they cramp and your hands ripping and countless leos and sports bras and pounds of chalk and hours of training. Everything is analyzed. From how high you jump to how long you hold a handstand. It becomes your everything and how you see everything. But it is also the most rewarding and incredible sport. You learn things that seem impossible and push yourself more than everyone else. You buy ankle weights and tape your hands. You have jackets and watch the Olympics religiously. It is a life. Not a sport. And yes it is analytical... but only after. In the moment you are flying. This is what I love. Gymnastics is having the strength to hold on and the courage to let go.

So is recovery. Strength to hold on to hope and belief of a free life  and to hold on to recovery when it becomes unbearable and courage to let go of what has become your everything, your ed.

I just think that she put a really interesting spin on it.

What do you think?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Possible Suicide and Starting Over

I know I haven't blogged in a while, and I am sorry. My life has been so hectic. Totally not an excuse but whatever. Point is, a lot has happened.

Saturday night...I drank. For a few reasons; one being to escape and another because quite frankly everyone around me was drinking too. I had a great time at the party and being drunk but the after effects were not so great. It made me super suicidal and to be quite honest I still am a little. I feel so hopeless and just don't know how much longer I can fight. I have been relapsing so hard. I'm down so much...and food is becoming harder and harder. Recovery just seems so far away. The good news is that I am still here and am not going anywhere.

I did however get to start over this week as well. Specifically today. Today was the first day of my senior year. I was there. I didn't have a mental breakdown over going. I did it. And nobody asked me about last year.. I got to start over. And that feels so nice. Not gonna lie, I did get a couple comments on my weight. But they weren't what I expected. Actually they really threw me for a loop. Point being, I made it to being a senior, I turned in all my college info, I saw friends, and met new ones....I got a fresh start without leaving my school.

Go Lions Class of 2014!

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Eat... Please?

Eat
Please eat
Let your body live
I know your mind is messy
I know the scale is hurting you        
Just eat
Eat
Let your self love
I know it feels like the end
I know you want to see bones
Eat ok?
Please just eat
Your bones will still be there
I promise they won't be crushed
I promise the fat won't hurt you
Eat
Put the food in
Let yourself smile again
Let yourself laugh
Stop starving
Eat
Deep down there is a little girl
She grew up way too fast
Let her out
Eat
She is starving
Under the fragile bones         
Under the bruises
Please eat
Eat
She needs you
You see her in pictures and dreams
She doesn't care what size her hips are
Eat
Pick up the fork
Let yourself fight
Let yourself have dreams
Eat     
Keep it down
Fight to live
Fight to follow your dreams
Fight for the self that wants to live
Let go
Eat

Stay Strong
xo Aria

*** I know these posts are a little out of character. ... I'm trying to process

Jeans and Scissors

Today my treatment team came to my house. The reason: to help me dispose of things related to my eating disorder. We originally were going to burn them but instead we cut it up. And here is how I'm feeling about it.

Possible TW

That everything I've starved for and alll the self hatred and harming has been for nothing. That now all I know to be true is torn and ripped and gone. And I've wasted all this time and energy to have it taken from me. That I'm just gonna keep getting fatter and have nothing to stop myself with. I don't have a scale. Those were my scales. And now they're gone. Yeah maybe I'll get to be a college cheerleader. Which has been my dream since I was like 5. But I'll be fat doing it. Hell you saw me in a sports bra. I'm already fat. And now all the things I used to keep me skinny are gone. And I want to curl up and cry and shut down and be done but I can't.  I've made too many promises to do that. And senior year is starting. Plus college like this sounds awful. But wasted was the one book that told me that maybe recovery is possible. I don't know anybody elses story. Minus demi. And my weight charts reminded me that I was once skinny. And my thinspo was my baby. It made me feel better. And that's gone. My jeans were ky measuring tools and that dress made me feel pretty. And now that's gone too.

Needless to say. I'm drained.

My dietitan asked me to blog about how it could be good for me to let go so I guess it should be on here. By letting go of the jeans and dress and journal it's I guess like letting go of shackles. It feels a little freeing. Like I can do other things now. So I understand why they had me do it. I just don't know anymore.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

So evidently this happened

Soooo by mistake I erased my most favorite blog post. So I got it back in screenshot form! Hope you like it!

What Makes Me So Special?

We all have those beliefs that we hold to be true no matter what. For me, my strongest one is that there is good in everybody. EVERYBODY. So, that begs the question of well...what about myself? If someone told me to name 3 good things about myself I would freeze. I always say there is nothing good about me. Which must make me pretty darn special to be excluded by my own belief system. Or maybe I just haven't taken the time to realize the good things in myself. So, let's see if I can. I must be able to think of at least one good thing about myself. Oh! If someone needs help, I am the first person to step up. I will volunteer for anything. If I wasn't Jewish I would do Habitat for Humanity in like 3 seconds. Seriously.

Another example of this is when I say that I deserve to be miserable. But nobody else deserves to feel pain and be sad. Everybody else should know what it feels like to be happy. Well, what makes me so special that I need to be sad and feel awful all the time? Just saying.

Everybody says to focus on what makes you special and that's nice. But sometimes I think we need to look at what makes us human. We all have good in us and deserve the best. A person is a person after all.

Next time you wonder...why me? Wonder why not me? Everybody feels things...both good and bad.

I think when I get all philosophical....it's time for bed.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Relapse and the Gym

Relapse....and the gym. Wow those two don't normally go together for me. But today they did. As much as I would like to say that my relapse was short and over and I never want to turn back. However, when I made this blog I promised myself I wouldn't lie on it. To you guys out there. So, in all honesty I'm not totally out of this relapse. Food is still really really hard and I keep losing my conditioning privileges but mostly my mind is just everywhere. One minute I want to purge and starve and OD and just be done. Then the next I want my senior year and to do gymnastics and go to college and be done with my friend Ana. Who apparently has been popping up a lot lately according to my treatment team. The great thing about my life right now is that I have other things in it besides my eating disorder. Including going to the gym. The gym is so important to me. It's my home (that and the stage). The saying "home is where is the heart is"? Is how I define the places I call home. Something about doing tons of conditioning and wishing I could tumble on a fractured ankle, reminded me why I fight. I fight so I can do these things. I fight so that I can do a back handspring or right now 40 squats with a medicine ball. Am I happy I relapsed? No. It is making my life a superb hell. Especially getting my intake back up. But I did learn something from this. I am stronger than I think. Physically and mentally. The tears on my hands and the boot on my foot may seem like weakness to some. But to me, it shows me how far I have come. A year ago I was in treatment in Arizona. I was being forced to eat and then sit and sit. Now I am almost two months out of treatment. Coming out of a pretty big relapse. But I am HERE. I am able to function. Kinda. Enough that I walked into that gym this afternoon and took a sigh of relief. I looked in the mirror by the water fountain and said "let's do this". Will I be sore as anything tomorrow? Ummm yeah. My weight won't be an issue when I step on the scale. And that for once is a sigh of relief. I have a youth group trip next week and planning for it this week, I see my coach again on Thursday, and school starts in like two weeks. And I am going to be there for all of it.  I am going to push through this. My team may have to help me. And I may have to ask for help. But I believe in myself. I can do this. I can pull myself out of this relapse. I can be a senior, a gymnast, and a thespian. Or I can be whatever I feel like. Who knows?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Old Habits Die Hard

So, a part of my story that I rarely share is that in the depths of my eating disorder I was highly addicted to exercise. As I strive to avoid triggering people, I won't provide specifics. But let's just say I went above and beyond no matter the circumstance. I would exercise around stores, while sick, even during my school lunch period. Exercise was necessary. I'm sharing this now because as the title indicates... I never totally got over it. I was forced to quit when put inpatient and nobody ever brought it up again. That is until very recently. Seeing as I'm back in gymnastics, conditioning has become part of my daily life.  Without using numbers it basically involves things like sit ups and planks. Exercises to build up strength. The issue is, that it has become necessary in my head. I fractured my ankle and have still been conditioning every day. I've been relapsing and still exercising. Well, my dietitian has decided that I can't condition till I see her on Saturday and my weight is stable. That's a really long time for me. And the anxiety is overwhelming.  I haven't felt this way since my first week inpatient. I have an intense need to get rid of some of the calories I have consumed. Almost to the point of wanting to start purging. I won't because I promised my dietitian but the thought is beyond prevalent. Exercise has just become so important. I'm shaking while writing this because I know I should be exercising. I guess I should have guessed that since I never got over this to begin with that it would bite me in the butt eventually. The sit ups were getting me through meals because at least my stomach wouldn't get too huge but now it's gonna become gigantic. I am TERRIFIED. I know that my therapist wants me to learn to sit through anxiety...which is stupid and I know my dietitian is just trying to help me make weight... which is nice of her... but still this makes me want to cry and drink and hide and everything possible to get rid of the feeling. I can't stand it. And now I'm going to get so fat.  Ugh. And to top it all off I found an old picture of myself on pinterest. And I want to look like that again. But I can't without starving and exercising. And till Saturday I am banned from both.

What do you do when old habits come back?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Oh Ana..Ana..Ana

Today I put my dietitian in control of my food. And to be quite honest... it was awful. I feel so emotionally drained.  And I have nobody to turn to. Or at least it feels that way. As I can't actually curl up in a ball and shake. .. I decided to write a letter instead.  A letter to my eating disorder.  Because there is so much I want to say. I won't post it here since it could easily be triggering. Living without my eating disorder just seems like hell. And I don't know if I can do it. But I also can't live with it. So this puts me in an interesting situation. I actually don't know where to turn anymore...

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Well August Came and So Did Relapse

Happy August everybody! Since most of you don't know me that well, I'm gonna tell you something.  I LOVE the fall. I love how the weather is just perfect and it's sweater weather and you can wear jeans. I love how the leaves change color and fall on the ground. I love trying to step on the crunchy ones and jumping into huge piles. I love the fall. And August is when it all starts. And yes school starts too. Which isn't wonderful but I get to see my friends that I've missed all summer. So yay! Fall is just so nice. And august is fall and summer in one. So it is fantastic. On a less lovely note, my August has so far been spent in relapse.  Less food, more exercise, and quite a few thoughts of suicide. It's not that I really want to be in this mind space but I can't seem to get out of it. It just seems so impossible.  I've tried to reach out and get support and I do what I'm told but it just makes it harder.  I am truly at a loss and have people concerned. Which makes me feel awful. I really need to pull myself out of this before it gets worse.

Anybody else struggling?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

The Last Couple Days

Yesterday and today have pretty much sucked emotion wise meaning they also sucked food wise. And that is making it so hard to get back. Anyway I wrote a poem yesterday. So here it is.

Watch the blood pour from my wrist
It is pretty, isn't it?
Stroke after stroke after careful stroke
I make my artwork nice and clear
Falling to ground I gasp for air
But nobody is there
The red drips to the floor from my poor torn body
As if each drop represented a part of me
A part of me I want to kill
A part of me I know too well
A part of me that doesn't need to exist
The lights are dimming
The blood still flows
I close my eyes
And there it goes
The girl they all thought they knew
Slit her wrist
And waited to die

Suicide is never the answer.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Proof My Therapist Hates Me (Part 2)

In part one you heard the story of how she made me eat a muffin. Let us continue and expand on that. Two of my biggest fears are potato chips and REGULAR soda. And guess what she brought? You guessed it! Chips and REGULAR soda. I can honestly say it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. And was right after gymnastics, meaning I should have had protein. But no. Chips and soda. I haven't had that in years. And guess what? Salt makes you bloat. Ughhh. So yes. She hates me and wants me to feel fat. But she apparently also hates my gymnastics coach too. So it's all good.

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Dear Everyone I Love

Today has been a massive struggle for me. And normally I would exercise or something like that to let the emotions out. However, today I made a promise to a friend that I would take a day off. A promise that made my heart race and my hands shake. I'm putting this out there, to remind you that although I am eating more and am more recovery focused... I'm not recovered. Far from it. And I am okay with that. I'm okay taking my time, rushing just seems to screw me over too often. There is a specific reason for this letter. That being said... The reason is that for a few seconds today I questioned myself on how I would write my suicide note. Would it be typed or hand written? Long or short? Would there be one or many? I had and have no plan of taking my own life. But it make me realize just how much further I have to go. I'm sorry it's a been a long, draining experience for all of you. It's not a party on this side either. Trust me. I'd be lying if I said starving didn't feel comforting and safe to me. Eating this much is foreign and terrifying and skipping exercise throws me off. I'm not together, but I'm getting there. I thank you all for standing by me. Each and every one of you. And to the friend who I texted when the thoughts came up, thanks. It meant the world. Considering the thoughts don't automatically stop.. I do know what my suicide note would sound like. So, I will write it at the bottom of here. But my story isn't ending any time soon. And that I promise.

** 

Dear World,

    Living is hard. Breathing is hard. Trying is hardest. To be honest I never thought I would be writing this. I never wanted to die. Sure if starving lead to it, I don't know if I would've been scared. But never did I think I would take my own life in any way. Point is, I don't want to die. I want to live. Truly live. At this point though? It's too late for me. You see, starving and failing and letting people down enough teaches you that living isn't for everybody. I need to be free. And this is what it takes to be free of the pressures and just "live". If you're reading this, then I'm already with the angels above you. It means existing took its toll on me and I couldn't do it anymore. Some of you played a role in my decision, some didn't. Figure that out for yourself. Just remember, I didn't do this to die, I did it because existing isn't worth it and I kept failing at living. And maybe that's because I was trying to live a life not meant for me. But it's too late now. See you on the other side.**

That's what I figure it would say. Granted I'm not done trying to live yet so I don't know for sure. Right now I'm okay existing.

What do you do when you feel so out of control?

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Why Do Swimsuits exist??

So today I tackled a huge thing in recovery. I wore a swimsuit. A real swimsuit. And let people take pictures of me in it. I even ate in it. I know, crazy stuff. I'm proud of myself. Terrified of what everyone thinks of my horrendous body now... But proud. I doubt I will wear one again any time soon but at least I can say that a bikini and I did mix. And that's a HUGE check mark on the list of things I wanted to be able to do. So yay! And tonight ill condition and drink my protein shake as if nothing unusual happened. Because in the grand scheme of things... Nothing major happened. Small success. That's it. Now it's back to normal life. Because as proud and freaked out I am, I have nobody to really celebrate here with me. They wouldn't get it. And aren't too big on celebrating small successes. So, I'll keep it between me and one other person. Thanks for being there ( she knows who she is). Anyway, swimsuit equals done.

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Did I Forget To Mention That...

So, one of my biggest fears regarding recovery is symptom migration. For those of you who don't know what I am talking about....it's basically swinging from one end to the other. That being said, it basically boils down to me being terrified of becoming a binge eater. It does not happen to everybody but it isn't exactly uncommon either. However, in my attempts to stay on track and not swing that way...I've started swinging a different way. Towards what is now known as Orthorexia. (See definition below).

"Orthorexia – an unhealthy fixation on eating only healthy or "pure" foods – was originally defined as a disordered eating behavior in the '90s, but experts believe it has been gaining steam in recent years, fed by the profusion of foods marketed as healthy and organic, and by the media's often conflicting dietary advice. Like anorexia nervosa, orthorexia is a disorder rooted in food restriction. Unlike anorexia, for othorexics, the quality instead of the quantity of food is severely restricted.

"Orthorexia starts out with a true intention of wanting to be healthier, but it's taken to an extreme," says Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics Spokesperson Marjorie Nolan, MS, RDN, CDN, ACSM-HFS, who specializes in working with eating disorder clients. "If someone is orthorexic, they typically avoid anything processed, like white flour or sugar. A food is virtually untouchable unless it's certified organic or a whole food. Even something like whole-grain bread – which is a very healthy, high-fiber food – is off limits because it's been processed in some way."

Orthorexics typically don't fear being fat in the way that an anorexic would, but the obsessive and progressive nature of the disorder is similar. Orthorexics may eliminate entire groups of food – such as dairy or grains – from their diets, later eliminating another group of food, and another, all in the quest for a "perfect" clean, healthy diet. In severe cases, orthorexia eventually leads to malnourishment when critical nutrients are eliminated from the diet."http://www.eatright.org/Public/content.aspx?id=6442471029

 I am not claiming in anyway to be orthorexic. Just that I've recently become much more hyper-vigilant about the healthiness of what goes in my body.. Which is evidently concerning to my dietitian. In a way, I am relieved. Yes, it is a slight migration. Which is what I wanted to avoid but it isn't one that will make me relapse. I may just end up with more fear foods to work on. Yay... 

Today is the first day in ever that my dietitan said she actually thinks I am "in recovery", today even though my weight kinda sucked she still had faith in me because I am trying. So hard. And this just means that I have to work a little harder. AND TRY NOT TO CUT OUT MORE FOODS. (Sorry that's in caps lock as a reminder to myself.) 

I can do this....At least I hope so....

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Flips and Jumps and Rolls

For the first time in years, I can call myself a training gymnast again. I get to go and stretch and do cartwheels and work out in my most favorite place on Earth. The gym. Not a gym with machines and scales, but one with trampolines and tumbling tracks and no air conditioning. There are fewer things in life that have made me happier than being back in there. I get to exercise and yes it feels like exercise...but it isn't to lose weight or as punishment. It's because I love it. I've actually gained weight since starting. And I've gained strength. I can do an hour of working out without feeling like I am constantly going to pass out. I can walk around a gym in spandex and a sports bra and not care. The gym is my home. Am I the skinniest one there? No. Am I the most advanced one? Heck no. But I don't have to be. As long as I am progressing and having fun...who cares? I could give you list of 100 reasons why I love gymnastics. And any professional could probably give me a list of why combining an eating disorder with gymnastics is a bad idea. I can tell you right now, it's the best thing to ever happen in my recovery journey. Better than controlling my food, better than weight loss, better than pretty much anything. Do I workout everyday? Yes. I condition everyday. IS it for calorie burning? No, I make up the calories. I condition so that my body gets stronger so I can get more advanced at the sport I love. There is nothing like running down a tumbling track to do a cartwheel and then a one-handed cartwheel right after and knowing you can hold yourself up. Two weeks ago I couldn't hold a handstand. Last week, I did. It's in those moments that my body image slips away. You have to focus and you have to be in love with the act. Or you will fall and you will hurt yourself. I know from experience. Yes, I did just right a post about a sport known to breed eating disorders....but maybe it can a sport that helps get rid of them too. It didn't cause mine but it sure is making it better. I challenge each of you to find your passion. You'll know when you find it. Your eyes will light up and everything else will fall away. Try anything and everything. Give yourself something to fight for. I promise it will be worth it.

Last night, a friend of mine texted me complaining about how she used to be great at fitness but now that she has gained weight, she can't do it or sucks at it...something along that line. I had a response for her that everyone reading this needs to read. SO here it is...

" Look. The last seven years of my life have been spent trying to become skinny. And be the skinniest I could. Don't get me wrong, I would still love that. But you know what feels better? Being able to say "I just gained weight" but not only weight " I gained muscle and strength and feel amazing". Does it still mess with my head, heck yes. But I am going to be in shape for the first time in years and be happy and that means more to me than be skinnier than the girls surrounding me. Fitness and health have nothing to do with weight. I'm healthier right now than I was two months ago at a lower weight. You can weigh whatever number and be in shape and exercise and live. I believe it. I know it. And that hope is what keeps me going."

I may not always see the light...but when I do, it rocks. And Flipping helps me get there.

What's your passion?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Role Playing

As I mentioned in my last post, I put my therapist through what I like to call "a meal with Ana". I think it was a good experience for both of us. She got to see what I think and truly what goes on while I am eating and I got to see how someone without an eating disorder would respond to such comments. It was strange to take on a persona that isn't me...but is. I wasn't playing a completely different character but I also wasn't saying things that I would ever say out loud. Anyway, that part was weird. There were two things that stood out to me during this exercise. Number one was that even though I was saying things...she still ate at her usual pace. She didn't slow down to think if I was right or if maybe she should save some. Nothing. The comments just didn't bother her. I found that so strange. She finished in like half the time it took me (which is normal) but I would have thought some of it would have affected her eating or at least how she ate. Nope. The second thing that I remember distinctly was how quickly it turned morbid. The dialogue went something like:

Ana (Me) : Why aren't you listening to me?

Therapist: Because you're going to kill me

Ana: At least you'll die skinny

Therapist: Great so I'll die skinny and miserable

Ana: If you're going to be miserable...why be fat on top of it? At your funeral everyone will see what you worked for.

Therapist: I doubt that's what they will be thinking. Plus then you won't be able to torture me anymore and you'll have to find someone new.

Ana: silence....


That particular exchange still bothers me. Because as much as I know my therapist was/is right. A part of me is still really concerned that even if I recover I will either still be miserable or end up being an awful person. I'd rather be thin and miserable than fat and miserable. And if I had to die...I would want to be thin. But I want to not be miserable, I want to be happy and live life. And I don't know how I can do that. At least not with my current thought processes. ugh. Thinking.

Maybe recovery really is my only choice.

Have any of you tried role playing?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Proof My Therapist Hates Me (Part 1)

Today I saw my therapist. I know, shocker. Anyway I happened to be seeing her around time that I needed a snack. I knew she was bringing it but I was hoping she would be nice. Well wasn't I naive. She apparently went straight down my fear food list and chose one. Muffins. And not only did she bring muffins but giant muffins with chocolate chips. I ate it. And I hate myself for that fact. The worst part... Not only did she make me eat it but she gave me homework to not hate myself for eating it. Like what?!?!? Two crazy things that aren't healthy or possible. Which is just one instance that proves my therapist hates me. Or hates " my eating disorder" to quote her. But same thing. Ugh. At least I get to bring snack next time. If I had to eat a food she loves that scares me. Then she's going to spend an hour with my friend "Ana". Yupp. We are doing a bag of goldfish and I'm gonna speak the thoughts out loud while she eats. I want her to know why meals and food scare me. I hope she's ok with my plan. Oh well. 

Stay Strong

xo Aria

That Moment When...

So a treatment center has been contacting me on Facebook. That's a new one. A center wants me to come. I don't know if they really think about what they'd be getting themselves into. And this place is so weird. It's not inpatient or residential. It's like sober living for eating disorders. I don't need that. I don't understand how that would help in any way possible. And it's in California. That's all the way across the country!!! I could create a program along the same lines right here without having to switch teams and plans and COASTS. 

Have any of you done something along those lines?

Stay Strong

xo Aria

"This Girl Named Ana"

I don't typically personify my eating disorder. But if I were too then that poem kind of sums it up. Right now I'm in between being scared of "her" and hating "her". I know I should hate her and not fear because she is me. But she's the part that I can't always control. She's the part that makes starving my natural instinct. And that scares me. That's right I'm scared. As angry as I act toward my team and myself... I'm just scared. And everyone is telling me to get angry and hate Ana but I can't. She scares me too much. And part of me still considers her a friend. So basically I'm everywhere. But she hasn't killed me yet. And I don't plan on letting her. But let's be real. Ana scares me. I'm scared of myself.

Where do you fall in the poem?

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Everyday a Holiday?

July Fourth was so much fun! I can honestly say that "not having an eating disorder" made the day a lot better. I did panic at the end but made it through. When my therapist and I were texting yesterday, she brought up the idea of everyday being a holiday. Not only that but that I should decide what holiday each day is. I guess as a way to make having an ED harder or something. The concept is definitely different. When I decide that I am normal for a certain time frame then I can be relatively normal until the end. The middle can be a bit tricky too but nothing compared to an average day. Maybe her idea isn't so crazy. Everyday is special. It's like putting one of my favorite sayings about recovery into play before actually recovering. The basic idea of the saying is that once you recover , you aren't normal. You don't take nice things and days for granted. You take pleasure from the simple things because you've been to hell and back. Now I just have to figure out why each day is special. Cause I'm not really sure. Sounds like a project and my dietitian and I tomorrow. Haha I hope she likes it. Anyway to sum it up, my day of freedom was as successful as I hoped for.

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Let Freedom Ring?

Today is the Fourth of July. In America that's Independence Day. If I wanted I could go into some long winded speech about how we won our freedom and our fore fathers and yada yada yada. But that's not really my thing. So, instead I'm gonna compare today to how I'm feeling. Amongst the barbecues and fireworks are people just like me. Freaking out alone about the food in front of us, the people who will notice our bodies in one way or another, and whether or not we are free. I don't feel free, I feel trapped. Trapped in this body, in my head. In my own little circle of hell. Well if today is a day of freedom then I'm going to treat it as such. For the next 24 hours, I am eating disorder free. I'm not an anorexic. I'm Barbara. And for today I'm ok with that. I'm going to enjoy myself and be with my friends and take stupid pictures. I'm going to play with sparklers and eat s'mores. Today is Independence Day for America and me. I know that the thoughts aren't going to be gone and I'm going to be self conscience but for today I am just a normal teenager. That's it. I am free for 24 hours. Tomorrow I can freak out. Tomorrow I can look back and see if it was worth it. If putting my anxieties to the side was worth it. I'm hoping it is. If everyone is free, why shouldn't I be? Why can't I eat a burger and chips and take pictures and know I'm at least ok looking? Don't I deserve to be free like most others? I would say so. At least for today. Starting right now, I declare my independence. Not for forever. For today. So I can enjoy my friends being here. So I can take pictures and know they're cute. Happy Fourth of July America. And happy day of freedom to me.

Will you join me? 

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Well Hello July

Yes I know it's July 3rd not the first but whatever. Today has just been really rough. I'm starting to have a harder time eating but I'm not allowed to struggle because my family and treatment team made me sign a contract that basically says " you gain weight or you get grounded". I feel so trapped and punished. Like my recovery has to be perfect. It's really upsetting. And almost makes me not want to recover. Because even if I try but the scale doesn't go up I'm still banned from life for a week. Explain that to me please. If I'm not supposed to be black and white then why is my weight gain and life. I thought my happiness isn't supposed to be tied to a number? But it is. And not only by me. But externally too. I just can't take it anymore. I want to get better and have fun but I'm not allowed too if the scale says so. Wow my family and treatment team have turned into my eating disorder in reverse. That's just fantastic.

Anybody else have a similar issue?

Stay Strong

xo Aria

When You Lose The High

Ask any eating disordered person (or person in general) and they will tell you that losing weight gives you a sense of euphoria. But what happens when you have just been up and down so many times and losing weight no longer does that? Well if you're me... You pretend it's still there. Or think that if you lose more it'll come back. But it doesn't. For me I've lost the high. When my weight drops I lose out on things that I love and get the dreaded " here we go again " feeling. I know longer jump up and down and feel so proud of myself. Losing weight feels almost as bad as gaining weight. The difference? One way I know I'm thin and miserable; the other fat and miserable. I'd prefer the first. Or neither. But that's not an option. So, yes the high will go away. And that will be the most confusing day of your life. For me that's today. For you maybe it won't be for years or maybe it was before me. I don't know. I just know that without the wonderful feeling, I have to pretend to get it. And it's just not the same. I need to find something else to give me that feeling. This will be an interesting week for sure. Lets see how it goes...

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Weird Stuff Can Happen

So today, I went into therapy mad at the world and not willing to change my mindset. At all. Usually these sessions are completely useless and just don't get anywhere. However, come the last 15 minutes things changed. I asked the question I've been waiting for. "Can I exercise?" And at first my therapist started laughing, and I can't blame her but I have worked hard and think I deserve it. Well. She said yes! And that changed my entire mood. It's amazing how one sentence can change your entire outlook on a day. Suddenly things just seemed to go better. I get to do what I love, and have permission to do so. I guess the point of this post is that, sometimes life really sucks but it can get better. And maybe all you have to do is ask the right question. 

During this session, we also had my dietitian on the phone. Kinda annoying. She told me how much weight I need to gain per week. Which is just ugh. But also promised she wouldn't let me go above a certain number. I'm trusting her with my life here. She better not betray my trust.

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Weight Gain and Food Increases

" hey there little fighter, soon it will be brighter"

Even just typing the title made me cringe. Weight gain is one of those things that can send me into a full blown anxiety attack. I don't see a need for it after a certain point. It's like my BMI is healthy now leave me alone. Unfortunately my team doesn't feel the same way. They are convinced that I cannot maintain my current weight without eating disorder behaviors but I can. And I know it cause I've done it for a couple weeks now. Granted I've been more stationary and been watched and struggled. But I've done it. Maybe this is just where my body wants to be. I wish my team saw it that way. They don't. Watching and feeling my body change, disturbs me. It feels foreign and like I don't belong in this body. I hate it. And the more I try to come to terms with it, the more weight I gain which restarts the process. I just wish weight gain wasn't such a part of the recovery process. I know eating disorders aren't all about weight. It's about how I feel about myself. But gaining weight makes me feel worse about myself so I don't see how it's helping. It just hurts. On top of that, a couple weeks ago I got my meal plan lowered while in treatment. Since discharging my dietitian has increased it back to where it was before the decrease. And I can't handle that. I mean how date she up it when I finally earned the privilege to not eat a crazy amount. It feels so punitive. Like I didn't do we'll enough in treatment to warrant keeping what I earned and fought for. It feels belittling and it makes me so anxious and upset. I thought I was doing ok. But apparently not well enough. This is why going to treatment is stupid. I earn things and learn new rules and then my team here changes everything and it totally throws me off. I worked so hard to reach my weight range ( that she is also trying to change) and now she wants me eating more food than even she eats. I just don't get random increases. I mean what's the point? To torture me when I already can't stand myself? Between weight gain and this increase, choosing recovery is becoming harder and harder and I just got home. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not be here. Not deal with any of this. Just have peace. But that's not what I've got right now.

How have you guys handled this?

Stay Strong

xo Aria

I Just Don't Understand

I don't understand how someone can know you have a mental illness and know that there are things they can do to help... But like refuse. I know you don't understand how my brain works. Hell I don't even understand it. However, if I can tell you that something would make my second day home from treatment easier and that it wouldn't affect you, why is it so hard for you to say fine? What stops you from wanting me to be successful no matter the "sacrifice" on your part? Not to mention, my eating gets worse while in your house. Of all places to question whether or not I'm eating... When I'm away isn't it. I'm actually not this super manipulative awful child you seem to think I am. I don't cry to manipulate you. I don't try and make my recovery easier just to manipulate you. In fact my recovery has nothing to do with you. You actually make things worse. You create conflict and stress and anxiety that isn't necessary just because you don't approve of what helps me. You say you want a better relationship with me. But all you do is push me away. To be quite honest you are putting me through more hell than my eating disorder. And I can't handle it. You can't take your anger out on me. I'm your kid. You're the parent. Find your own outlet. That isn't me and certainly isn't me when I'm trying to find my footing again. I don't know what I did to you that you can't just be a decent person to me. And I'm sorry that I have an issue and that I'm such a shitty daughter. But I'm what you've got right now. So stop hurting me. Please. Just try and understand. Please.

Has anyone else had major family issues?

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Lazy Days

I hate being or rather feeling lazy. So today I'm challenging myself to do just that. I've only gotten out of bed to get food. And coffee. Because really coffee is life. I feel so unproductive and awful right now. I should be moving around and doing things. But I'm not. I want to see if being lazy will actually make me gain weight. Because let's be real that's probably my biggest fear in the entire world. Being fat. Which is how I feel constantly. But normally I deal by moving around as much as possible. So to stay still is so hard. The worst part is that everyone in the house just thinks I'm isolating and being closed off. But actually I'm doing a recovery experiment. I want to see how I feel at the end of a lazy day and if it affects my tomorrow. It probably will. But you never know. Being stationary and not doing things that I could is driving me insane. There are so many more important things I could be doing. Like walking around. Making important phone calls. Or just getting up for more than food. I mean getting up for food is a big step considering 6 weeks ago I would not have done that. I don't know if it's the laying around or the laying around with food in me that's driving me crazier. I hate knowing that the calories are seeping into me when I have the power to stop it.  Everyone has lazy days right? People eat more than me and than sit around right? I'm not crazy? I feel crazy. 

Anybody else have issues with being lazy?

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Photo Timelines

I can go through my Facebook photos and the ones on my phone and tell what I weighed in every picture. I can tell you whether or not I was eating. I can tell you whether or not I ever want to look like that again. I can compare one from a year ago to one from last month. Some people would say it's a dangerous thing to do. To compare photos from your lowest to your highest. It certainly doesn't make me feel any better. But it reinforces what I know to be true. At points I was skinny and at points I wasn't skinny. It makes me long for the days of bones sticking out and an almost concave stomach. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss that. I miss it everyday. Every time I look in the mirror I pray to see what I once was. Was I happier? No. But I knew that I had the possibility of being the skinniest girl in a room and I liked that. I liked knowing that I was thin but not thin enough for people to think I was sick. I was on a dangerous line. But I managed. Now having been in treatment and gaining the weight back. I can see the difference in pictures. It makes me cringe. I want the bones back. But I want to stay out of treatment. But the bones made me feel so light and delicate and I liked that. I liked knowing that when people hugged me they could feel my spine. But no longer. No longer are my ribs visible or my spine protruding. They are now covered in fat once again. And I am faced with the same dilemma. Do I compare myself to my previous self? Or do I move forward and I try to accept that I can't have that and be healthy? That is where I'm stuck. I'm not just comparing to others but to myself. So I can't win.

Do you compare photos?

Stay Strong
xo Aria