Today my treatment team came to my house. The reason: to help me dispose of things related to my eating disorder. We originally were going to burn them but instead we cut it up. And here is how I'm feeling about it.
Possible TW
That everything I've starved for and alll the self hatred and harming has been for nothing. That now all I know to be true is torn and ripped and gone. And I've wasted all this time and energy to have it taken from me. That I'm just gonna keep getting fatter and have nothing to stop myself with. I don't have a scale. Those were my scales. And now they're gone. Yeah maybe I'll get to be a college cheerleader. Which has been my dream since I was like 5. But I'll be fat doing it. Hell you saw me in a sports bra. I'm already fat. And now all the things I used to keep me skinny are gone. And I want to curl up and cry and shut down and be done but I can't. I've made too many promises to do that. And senior year is starting. Plus college like this sounds awful. But wasted was the one book that told me that maybe recovery is possible. I don't know anybody elses story. Minus demi. And my weight charts reminded me that I was once skinny. And my thinspo was my baby. It made me feel better. And that's gone. My jeans were ky measuring tools and that dress made me feel pretty. And now that's gone too.
Needless to say. I'm drained.
My dietitan asked me to blog about how it could be good for me to let go so I guess it should be on here. By letting go of the jeans and dress and journal it's I guess like letting go of shackles. It feels a little freeing. Like I can do other things now. So I understand why they had me do it. I just don't know anymore.
Stay Strong
xo Aria
No comments:
Post a Comment