Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Last Couple Days

Yesterday and today have pretty much sucked emotion wise meaning they also sucked food wise. And that is making it so hard to get back. Anyway I wrote a poem yesterday. So here it is.

Watch the blood pour from my wrist
It is pretty, isn't it?
Stroke after stroke after careful stroke
I make my artwork nice and clear
Falling to ground I gasp for air
But nobody is there
The red drips to the floor from my poor torn body
As if each drop represented a part of me
A part of me I want to kill
A part of me I know too well
A part of me that doesn't need to exist
The lights are dimming
The blood still flows
I close my eyes
And there it goes
The girl they all thought they knew
Slit her wrist
And waited to die

Suicide is never the answer.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Friday, July 26, 2013

Proof My Therapist Hates Me (Part 2)

In part one you heard the story of how she made me eat a muffin. Let us continue and expand on that. Two of my biggest fears are potato chips and REGULAR soda. And guess what she brought? You guessed it! Chips and REGULAR soda. I can honestly say it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. And was right after gymnastics, meaning I should have had protein. But no. Chips and soda. I haven't had that in years. And guess what? Salt makes you bloat. Ughhh. So yes. She hates me and wants me to feel fat. But she apparently also hates my gymnastics coach too. So it's all good.


Stay Strong
xo Aria

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Dear Everyone I Love

Today has been a massive struggle for me. And normally I would exercise or something like that to let the emotions out. However, today I made a promise to a friend that I would take a day off. A promise that made my heart race and my hands shake. I'm putting this out there, to remind you that although I am eating more and am more recovery focused... I'm not recovered. Far from it. And I am okay with that. I'm okay taking my time, rushing just seems to screw me over too often. There is a specific reason for this letter. That being said... The reason is that for a few seconds today I questioned myself on how I would write my suicide note. Would it be typed or hand written? Long or short? Would there be one or many? I had and have no plan of taking my own life. But it make me realize just how much further I have to go. I'm sorry it's a been a long, draining experience for all of you. It's not a party on this side either. Trust me. I'd be lying if I said starving didn't feel comforting and safe to me. Eating this much is foreign and terrifying and skipping exercise throws me off. I'm not together, but I'm getting there. I thank you all for standing by me. Each and every one of you. And to the friend who I texted when the thoughts came up, thanks. It meant the world. Considering the thoughts don't automatically stop.. I do know what my suicide note would sound like. So, I will write it at the bottom of here. But my story isn't ending any time soon. And that I promise.

** 
Dear World,
    Living is hard. Breathing is hard. Trying is hardest. To be honest I never thought I would be writing this. I never wanted to die. Sure if starving lead to it, I don't know if I would've been scared. But never did I think I would take my own life in any way. Point is, I don't want to die. I want to live. Truly live. At this point though? It's too late for me. You see, starving and failing and letting people down enough teaches you that living isn't for everybody. I need to be free. And this is what it takes to be free of the pressures and just "live". If you're reading this, then I'm already with the angels above you. It means existing took its toll on me and I couldn't do it anymore. Some of you played a role in my decision, some didn't. Figure that out for yourself. Just remember, I didn't do this to die, I did it because existing isn't worth it and I kept failing at living. And maybe that's because I was trying to live a life not meant for me. But it's too late now. See you on the other side.**


That's what I figure it would say. Granted I'm not done trying to live yet so I don't know for sure. Right now I'm okay existing.

What do you do when you feel so out of control?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Why Do Swimsuits exist??

So today I tackled a huge thing in recovery. I wore a swimsuit. A real swimsuit. And let people take pictures of me in it. I even ate in it. I know, crazy stuff. I'm proud of myself. Terrified of what everyone thinks of my horrendous body now... But proud. I doubt I will wear one again any time soon but at least I can say that a bikini and I did mix. And that's a HUGE check mark on the list of things I wanted to be able to do. So yay! And tonight ill condition and drink my protein shake as if nothing unusual happened. Because in the grand scheme of things... Nothing major happened. Small success. That's it. Now it's back to normal life. Because as proud and freaked out I am, I have nobody to really celebrate here with me. They wouldn't get it. And aren't too big on celebrating small successes. So, I'll keep it between me and one other person. Thanks for being there ( she knows who she is). Anyway, swimsuit equals done.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Did I Forget To Mention That...

So, one of my biggest fears regarding recovery is symptom migration. For those of you who don't know what I am talking about....it's basically swinging from one end to the other. That being said, it basically boils down to me being terrified of becoming a binge eater. It does not happen to everybody but it isn't exactly uncommon either. However, in my attempts to stay on track and not swing that way...I've started swinging a different way. Towards what is now known as Orthorexia. (See definition below).

"Orthorexia – an unhealthy fixation on eating only healthy or "pure" foods – was originally defined as a disordered eating behavior in the '90s, but experts believe it has been gaining steam in recent years, fed by the profusion of foods marketed as healthy and organic, and by the media's often conflicting dietary advice. Like anorexia nervosa, orthorexia is a disorder rooted in food restriction. Unlike anorexia, for othorexics, the quality instead of the quantity of food is severely restricted.
"Orthorexia starts out with a true intention of wanting to be healthier, but it's taken to an extreme," says Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics Spokesperson Marjorie Nolan, MS, RDN, CDN, ACSM-HFS, who specializes in working with eating disorder clients. "If someone is orthorexic, they typically avoid anything processed, like white flour or sugar. A food is virtually untouchable unless it's certified organic or a whole food. Even something like whole-grain bread – which is a very healthy, high-fiber food – is off limits because it's been processed in some way."
Orthorexics typically don't fear being fat in the way that an anorexic would, but the obsessive and progressive nature of the disorder is similar. Orthorexics may eliminate entire groups of food – such as dairy or grains – from their diets, later eliminating another group of food, and another, all in the quest for a "perfect" clean, healthy diet. In severe cases, orthorexia eventually leads to malnourishment when critical nutrients are eliminated from the diet."http://www.eatright.org/Public/content.aspx?id=6442471029

 I am not claiming in anyway to be orthorexic. Just that I've recently become much more hyper-vigilant about the healthiness of what goes in my body.. Which is evidently concerning to my dietitian. In a way, I am relieved. Yes, it is a slight migration. Which is what I wanted to avoid but it isn't one that will make me relapse. I may just end up with more fear foods to work on. Yay... 
Today is the first day in ever that my dietitan said she actually thinks I am "in recovery", today even though my weight kinda sucked she still had faith in me because I am trying. So hard. And this just means that I have to work a little harder. AND TRY NOT TO CUT OUT MORE FOODS. (Sorry that's in caps lock as a reminder to myself.) 
I can do this....At least I hope so....

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Flips and Jumps and Rolls

For the first time in years, I can call myself a training gymnast again. I get to go and stretch and do cartwheels and work out in my most favorite place on Earth. The gym. Not a gym with machines and scales, but one with trampolines and tumbling tracks and no air conditioning. There are fewer things in life that have made me happier than being back in there. I get to exercise and yes it feels like exercise...but it isn't to lose weight or as punishment. It's because I love it. I've actually gained weight since starting. And I've gained strength. I can do an hour of working out without feeling like I am constantly going to pass out. I can walk around a gym in spandex and a sports bra and not care. The gym is my home. Am I the skinniest one there? No. Am I the most advanced one? Heck no. But I don't have to be. As long as I am progressing and having fun...who cares? I could give you list of 100 reasons why I love gymnastics. And any professional could probably give me a list of why combining an eating disorder with gymnastics is a bad idea. I can tell you right now, it's the best thing to ever happen in my recovery journey. Better than controlling my food, better than weight loss, better than pretty much anything. Do I workout everyday? Yes. I condition everyday. IS it for calorie burning? No, I make up the calories. I condition so that my body gets stronger so I can get more advanced at the sport I love. There is nothing like running down a tumbling track to do a cartwheel and then a one-handed cartwheel right after and knowing you can hold yourself up. Two weeks ago I couldn't hold a handstand. Last week, I did. It's in those moments that my body image slips away. You have to focus and you have to be in love with the act. Or you will fall and you will hurt yourself. I know from experience. Yes, I did just right a post about a sport known to breed eating disorders....but maybe it can a sport that helps get rid of them too. It didn't cause mine but it sure is making it better. I challenge each of you to find your passion. You'll know when you find it. Your eyes will light up and everything else will fall away. Try anything and everything. Give yourself something to fight for. I promise it will be worth it.

Last night, a friend of mine texted me complaining about how she used to be great at fitness but now that she has gained weight, she can't do it or sucks at it...something along that line. I had a response for her that everyone reading this needs to read. SO here it is...

" Look. The last seven years of my life have been spent trying to become skinny. And be the skinniest I could. Don't get me wrong, I would still love that. But you know what feels better? Being able to say "I just gained weight" but not only weight " I gained muscle and strength and feel amazing". Does it still mess with my head, heck yes. But I am going to be in shape for the first time in years and be happy and that means more to me than be skinnier than the girls surrounding me. Fitness and health have nothing to do with weight. I'm healthier right now than I was two months ago at a lower weight. You can weigh whatever number and be in shape and exercise and live. I believe it. I know it. And that hope is what keeps me going."

I may not always see the light...but when I do, it rocks. And Flipping helps me get there.

What's your passion?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Role Playing

As I mentioned in my last post, I put my therapist through what I like to call "a meal with Ana". I think it was a good experience for both of us. She got to see what I think and truly what goes on while I am eating and I got to see how someone without an eating disorder would respond to such comments. It was strange to take on a persona that isn't me...but is. I wasn't playing a completely different character but I also wasn't saying things that I would ever say out loud. Anyway, that part was weird. There were two things that stood out to me during this exercise. Number one was that even though I was saying things...she still ate at her usual pace. She didn't slow down to think if I was right or if maybe she should save some. Nothing. The comments just didn't bother her. I found that so strange. She finished in like half the time it took me (which is normal) but I would have thought some of it would have affected her eating or at least how she ate. Nope. The second thing that I remember distinctly was how quickly it turned morbid. The dialogue went something like:

Ana (Me) : Why aren't you listening to me?

Therapist: Because you're going to kill me

Ana: At least you'll die skinny

Therapist: Great so I'll die skinny and miserable

Ana: If you're going to be miserable...why be fat on top of it? At your funeral everyone will see what you worked for.

Therapist: I doubt that's what they will be thinking. Plus then you won't be able to torture me anymore and you'll have to find someone new.

Ana: silence....


That particular exchange still bothers me. Because as much as I know my therapist was/is right. A part of me is still really concerned that even if I recover I will either still be miserable or end up being an awful person. I'd rather be thin and miserable than fat and miserable. And if I had to die...I would want to be thin. But I want to not be miserable, I want to be happy and live life. And I don't know how I can do that. At least not with my current thought processes. ugh. Thinking.

Maybe recovery really is my only choice.

Have any of you tried role playing?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Proof My Therapist Hates Me (Part 1)

Today I saw my therapist. I know, shocker. Anyway I happened to be seeing her around time that I needed a snack. I knew she was bringing it but I was hoping she would be nice. Well wasn't I naive. She apparently went straight down my fear food list and chose one. Muffins. And not only did she bring muffins but giant muffins with chocolate chips. I ate it. And I hate myself for that fact. The worst part... Not only did she make me eat it but she gave me homework to not hate myself for eating it. Like what?!?!? Two crazy things that aren't healthy or possible. Which is just one instance that proves my therapist hates me. Or hates " my eating disorder" to quote her. But same thing. Ugh. At least I get to bring snack next time. If I had to eat a food she loves that scares me. Then she's going to spend an hour with my friend "Ana". Yupp. We are doing a bag of goldfish and I'm gonna speak the thoughts out loud while she eats. I want her to know why meals and food scare me. I hope she's ok with my plan. Oh well. 

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Monday, July 8, 2013

That Moment When...

So a treatment center has been contacting me on Facebook. That's a new one. A center wants me to come. I don't know if they really think about what they'd be getting themselves into. And this place is so weird. It's not inpatient or residential. It's like sober living for eating disorders. I don't need that. I don't understand how that would help in any way possible. And it's in California. That's all the way across the country!!! I could create a program along the same lines right here without having to switch teams and plans and COASTS. 


Have any of you done something along those lines?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Saturday, July 6, 2013

"This Girl Named Ana"


I don't typically personify my eating disorder. But if I were too then that poem kind of sums it up. Right now I'm in between being scared of "her" and hating "her". I know I should hate her and not fear because she is me. But she's the part that I can't always control. She's the part that makes starving my natural instinct. And that scares me. That's right I'm scared. As angry as I act toward my team and myself... I'm just scared. And everyone is telling me to get angry and hate Ana but I can't. She scares me too much. And part of me still considers her a friend. So basically I'm everywhere. But she hasn't killed me yet. And I don't plan on letting her. But let's be real. Ana scares me. I'm scared of myself.

Where do you fall in the poem?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Friday, July 5, 2013

Everyday a Holiday?

July Fourth was so much fun! I can honestly say that "not having an eating disorder" made the day a lot better. I did panic at the end but made it through. When my therapist and I were texting yesterday, she brought up the idea of everyday being a holiday. Not only that but that I should decide what holiday each day is. I guess as a way to make having an ED harder or something. The concept is definitely different. When I decide that I am normal for a certain time frame then I can be relatively normal until the end. The middle can be a bit tricky too but nothing compared to an average day. Maybe her idea isn't so crazy. Everyday is special. It's like putting one of my favorite sayings about recovery into play before actually recovering. The basic idea of the saying is that once you recover , you aren't normal. You don't take nice things and days for granted. You take pleasure from the simple things because you've been to hell and back. Now I just have to figure out why each day is special. Cause I'm not really sure. Sounds like a project and my dietitian and I tomorrow. Haha I hope she likes it. Anyway to sum it up, my day of freedom was as successful as I hoped for.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Let Freedom Ring?

Today is the Fourth of July. In America that's Independence Day. If I wanted I could go into some long winded speech about how we won our freedom and our fore fathers and yada yada yada. But that's not really my thing. So, instead I'm gonna compare today to how I'm feeling. Amongst the barbecues and fireworks are people just like me. Freaking out alone about the food in front of us, the people who will notice our bodies in one way or another, and whether or not we are free. I don't feel free, I feel trapped. Trapped in this body, in my head. In my own little circle of hell. Well if today is a day of freedom then I'm going to treat it as such. For the next 24 hours, I am eating disorder free. I'm not an anorexic. I'm Barbara. And for today I'm ok with that. I'm going to enjoy myself and be with my friends and take stupid pictures. I'm going to play with sparklers and eat s'mores. Today is Independence Day for America and me. I know that the thoughts aren't going to be gone and I'm going to be self conscience but for today I am just a normal teenager. That's it. I am free for 24 hours. Tomorrow I can freak out. Tomorrow I can look back and see if it was worth it. If putting my anxieties to the side was worth it. I'm hoping it is. If everyone is free, why shouldn't I be? Why can't I eat a burger and chips and take pictures and know I'm at least ok looking? Don't I deserve to be free like most others? I would say so. At least for today. Starting right now, I declare my independence. Not for forever. For today. So I can enjoy my friends being here. So I can take pictures and know they're cute. Happy Fourth of July America. And happy day of freedom to me.

Will you join me? 

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Well Hello July

Yes I know it's July 3rd not the first but whatever. Today has just been really rough. I'm starting to have a harder time eating but I'm not allowed to struggle because my family and treatment team made me sign a contract that basically says " you gain weight or you get grounded". I feel so trapped and punished. Like my recovery has to be perfect. It's really upsetting. And almost makes me not want to recover. Because even if I try but the scale doesn't go up I'm still banned from life for a week. Explain that to me please. If I'm not supposed to be black and white then why is my weight gain and life. I thought my happiness isn't supposed to be tied to a number? But it is. And not only by me. But externally too. I just can't take it anymore. I want to get better and have fun but I'm not allowed too if the scale says so. Wow my family and treatment team have turned into my eating disorder in reverse. That's just fantastic.

Anybody else have a similar issue?

Stay Strong
xo Aria