Today has been a massive struggle for me. And normally I would exercise or something like that to let the emotions out. However, today I made a promise to a friend that I would take a day off. A promise that made my heart race and my hands shake. I'm putting this out there, to remind you that although I am eating more and am more recovery focused... I'm not recovered. Far from it. And I am okay with that. I'm okay taking my time, rushing just seems to screw me over too often. There is a specific reason for this letter. That being said... The reason is that for a few seconds today I questioned myself on how I would write my suicide note. Would it be typed or hand written? Long or short? Would there be one or many? I had and have no plan of taking my own life. But it make me realize just how much further I have to go. I'm sorry it's a been a long, draining experience for all of you. It's not a party on this side either. Trust me. I'd be lying if I said starving didn't feel comforting and safe to me. Eating this much is foreign and terrifying and skipping exercise throws me off. I'm not together, but I'm getting there. I thank you all for standing by me. Each and every one of you. And to the friend who I texted when the thoughts came up, thanks. It meant the world. Considering the thoughts don't automatically stop.. I do know what my suicide note would sound like. So, I will write it at the bottom of here. But my story isn't ending any time soon. And that I promise.
**
Dear World,
Living is hard. Breathing is hard. Trying is hardest. To be honest I never thought I would be writing this. I never wanted to die. Sure if starving lead to it, I don't know if I would've been scared. But never did I think I would take my own life in any way. Point is, I don't want to die. I want to live. Truly live. At this point though? It's too late for me. You see, starving and failing and letting people down enough teaches you that living isn't for everybody. I need to be free. And this is what it takes to be free of the pressures and just "live". If you're reading this, then I'm already with the angels above you. It means existing took its toll on me and I couldn't do it anymore. Some of you played a role in my decision, some didn't. Figure that out for yourself. Just remember, I didn't do this to die, I did it because existing isn't worth it and I kept failing at living. And maybe that's because I was trying to live a life not meant for me. But it's too late now. See you on the other side.**
That's what I figure it would say. Granted I'm not done trying to live yet so I don't know for sure. Right now I'm okay existing.
What do you do when you feel so out of control?
Stay Strong
xo Aria
No comments:
Post a Comment