Role Playing

As I mentioned in my last post, I put my therapist through what I like to call "a meal with Ana". I think it was a good experience for both of us. She got to see what I think and truly what goes on while I am eating and I got to see how someone without an eating disorder would respond to such comments. It was strange to take on a persona that isn't me...but is. I wasn't playing a completely different character but I also wasn't saying things that I would ever say out loud. Anyway, that part was weird. There were two things that stood out to me during this exercise. Number one was that even though I was saying things...she still ate at her usual pace. She didn't slow down to think if I was right or if maybe she should save some. Nothing. The comments just didn't bother her. I found that so strange. She finished in like half the time it took me (which is normal) but I would have thought some of it would have affected her eating or at least how she ate. Nope. The second thing that I remember distinctly was how quickly it turned morbid. The dialogue went something like:

Ana (Me) : Why aren't you listening to me?

Therapist: Because you're going to kill me

Ana: At least you'll die skinny

Therapist: Great so I'll die skinny and miserable

Ana: If you're going to be miserable...why be fat on top of it? At your funeral everyone will see what you worked for.

Therapist: I doubt that's what they will be thinking. Plus then you won't be able to torture me anymore and you'll have to find someone new.

Ana: silence....


That particular exchange still bothers me. Because as much as I know my therapist was/is right. A part of me is still really concerned that even if I recover I will either still be miserable or end up being an awful person. I'd rather be thin and miserable than fat and miserable. And if I had to die...I would want to be thin. But I want to not be miserable, I want to be happy and live life. And I don't know how I can do that. At least not with my current thought processes. ugh. Thinking.

Maybe recovery really is my only choice.

Have any of you tried role playing?

Stay Strong
xo Aria