Relapse and the Gym

Relapse....and the gym. Wow those two don't normally go together for me. But today they did. As much as I would like to say that my relapse was short and over and I never want to turn back. However, when I made this blog I promised myself I wouldn't lie on it. To you guys out there. So, in all honesty I'm not totally out of this relapse. Food is still really really hard and I keep losing my conditioning privileges but mostly my mind is just everywhere. One minute I want to purge and starve and OD and just be done. Then the next I want my senior year and to do gymnastics and go to college and be done with my friend Ana. Who apparently has been popping up a lot lately according to my treatment team. The great thing about my life right now is that I have other things in it besides my eating disorder. Including going to the gym. The gym is so important to me. It's my home (that and the stage). The saying "home is where is the heart is"? Is how I define the places I call home. Something about doing tons of conditioning and wishing I could tumble on a fractured ankle, reminded me why I fight. I fight so I can do these things. I fight so that I can do a back handspring or right now 40 squats with a medicine ball. Am I happy I relapsed? No. It is making my life a superb hell. Especially getting my intake back up. But I did learn something from this. I am stronger than I think. Physically and mentally. The tears on my hands and the boot on my foot may seem like weakness to some. But to me, it shows me how far I have come. A year ago I was in treatment in Arizona. I was being forced to eat and then sit and sit. Now I am almost two months out of treatment. Coming out of a pretty big relapse. But I am HERE. I am able to function. Kinda. Enough that I walked into that gym this afternoon and took a sigh of relief. I looked in the mirror by the water fountain and said "let's do this". Will I be sore as anything tomorrow? Ummm yeah. My weight won't be an issue when I step on the scale. And that for once is a sigh of relief. I have a youth group trip next week and planning for it this week, I see my coach again on Thursday, and school starts in like two weeks. And I am going to be there for all of it.  I am going to push through this. My team may have to help me. And I may have to ask for help. But I believe in myself. I can do this. I can pull myself out of this relapse. I can be a senior, a gymnast, and a thespian. Or I can be whatever I feel like. Who knows?

Stay Strong
xo Aria