Old Habits Die Hard

So, a part of my story that I rarely share is that in the depths of my eating disorder I was highly addicted to exercise. As I strive to avoid triggering people, I won't provide specifics. But let's just say I went above and beyond no matter the circumstance. I would exercise around stores, while sick, even during my school lunch period. Exercise was necessary. I'm sharing this now because as the title indicates... I never totally got over it. I was forced to quit when put inpatient and nobody ever brought it up again. That is until very recently. Seeing as I'm back in gymnastics, conditioning has become part of my daily life.  Without using numbers it basically involves things like sit ups and planks. Exercises to build up strength. The issue is, that it has become necessary in my head. I fractured my ankle and have still been conditioning every day. I've been relapsing and still exercising. Well, my dietitian has decided that I can't condition till I see her on Saturday and my weight is stable. That's a really long time for me. And the anxiety is overwhelming.  I haven't felt this way since my first week inpatient. I have an intense need to get rid of some of the calories I have consumed. Almost to the point of wanting to start purging. I won't because I promised my dietitian but the thought is beyond prevalent. Exercise has just become so important. I'm shaking while writing this because I know I should be exercising. I guess I should have guessed that since I never got over this to begin with that it would bite me in the butt eventually. The sit ups were getting me through meals because at least my stomach wouldn't get too huge but now it's gonna become gigantic. I am TERRIFIED. I know that my therapist wants me to learn to sit through anxiety...which is stupid and I know my dietitian is just trying to help me make weight... which is nice of her... but still this makes me want to cry and drink and hide and everything possible to get rid of the feeling. I can't stand it. And now I'm going to get so fat.  Ugh. And to top it all off I found an old picture of myself on pinterest. And I want to look like that again. But I can't without starving and exercising. And till Saturday I am banned from both.

What do you do when old habits come back?

Stay Strong
xo Aria