Stay Strong (aka my last post)

I honestly cannot believe I am writing this post. I never thought this would happen. But here we are. It's come to my attention that when I'm doing well, which is most of the time now, I don't have much to blog about and that's not fair to all of you following my journey. So, this will be my last post on THIS blog. I have set up a new one for my life in recovery where you all can keep up with me. It will have more fun stories mixed in with the struggles when they happen. I know I could just keep this blog and do the same thing but that's not why I started this one and I want it to end here. The new url will be at the bottom of this overly long post,  I promise.

There is so much I want to shove into this one post. So so much. I don't really know where to start. I guess I can start with how life is. It's really good! I'm so glad I am not in treatment and not starving. I'm having a really good time. I will admit that part of me really wishes I was sicker than I am. And sometimes I even trick myself into thinking it. I will admit that I don't love my body. But I'm not actively trying to change it either. Basically... I'm okay.

Now, my message to all of you that are struggling. You are incredible. People with eating disorders are honestly the most amazing people I have ever met and spoken to. Hearing your stories and helping you through struggles, having some tell me that my blog has shown them hope and made them feel less alone...I can't even put into words how much that means to me. I want you to know that you are never ever alone. That you can beat this. It is possible. It is hard and scary and you are going to cry and emotions are going to smack in the face. But in the end it is so so worth it. I promise you. Don't get sucked into other people's eating disorders. You need to focus on you. Stay strong for yourself. Once you have the strength to do that,  then try and stay strong for others. It is just what has to be done.

To those of you that are reading that know people struggling, this message is for you. DONT GIVE UP ON THEM. EVER. We are stronger than we seem. And if you give up on us then we are going to give up on ourselves completely. Believe in them. Be there for them. Listen. Don't judge. Sometimes we just need an ear and maybe a hug. I've heard from so many that are scared for those they love and you often want to take drastic measures or you are done and want to walk away. There is a middle ground. Find it. It will be different for everyone. For me, having my parents as the food police was too far and made me angry but having my mom say she gives up and walk away destroyed my confidence. I needed structure but not from her. So,  my treatment team has taken over a bit more. There is always a middle ground. Search for it. Ask the person. But whatever you do, don't walk away. ( on a side note: if you are a caregiver for someone... make sure to indulge in self care for you as well. We all need it.)

Lastly, a message for myself. Never forget what you have been through to get here. Countless hours spent exercising and body checking and obsessing. Hundreds of papers with calories written down. Three treatment stays in 3 different states. Tons of ER visits. Almost failing high school. Scaring everyone you care about. You did not get here overnight and if you go back... you may never get here again. Appreciate the moment. Celebrate the small successes. Allow yourself to have fun and live for once. You deserve it as much as anyone else does. Be honest with yourself. Learn to go outside your comfort zone, it is much more entertaining. Love with all your heart.

I cannot thank you all enough for following me on my journey. It is far from over though. I am so excited to have you guys go with me to the next chapter of my life! Starting today you can follow me at : rediscovering-aria.blogspot.com

This is SO exciting!!!

Stay Strong,
xo Aria

I'm Okay... For Real

I was texting a good friend of mine earlier and was so angry about how life just hasn't been in my favor. She pointed out that maybe now it will be. Life isn't fair and I will have to work harder than others.  That is true. But maybe once I believe in myself, things will turn around. She seems to think I can move mountains and I don't think I can quite that influential but you never know. I just have to see what she sees first.  By all accounts I should be half dead by now and in another treatment center but I'm not. I'm 13 months self harm free and 6 months out of treatment,  I have a job and a college acceptance letter and I'm back doing the sport I love with all my heart. So, no I don't totally believe in myself and yes I still struggle but I'm really okay. I'm healthy. And my life is pretty great right now. Who knows? Maybe someday I will move mountains. Thank you Becca. I needed that today.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

So You Are Walking In The Desert...

You are walking in the desert with one other person. You have one canteen between you (it's your canteen) and it has enough water to save one of you. By Jewish law, who do you save?

Think about it.

The answer: YOU. If you save yourself you are guaranteed to save one life and you can then go on and help other people in the world. You can make sure that you make a difference.

This was brought up in the Hebrew High School class I was in tonight and it really struck a chord with me. The idea of saving life is highly regarded in the Jewish religion. You save yourself, you only follow what you can and still be healthy. You put yourself first in order to be able to help other people. After all if you are gone then you aren't helping anyone.

Hebrew school is not the first place I heard this recently but it is the place that it clicked. My treatment team has been telling me this same fact for almost 2 years. If I give everything I have (my canteen) to other people, I am not guaranteed to save them and it is not guaranteed that they will go on and help others. If I put myself first and help as I can then I save myself and guarantee that I live for longer than I probably would and can help more people.

As much as this sounds so incredibly selfish to me and probably most of you... it is actually quite the opposite. You can die and maybe help one person or you can live and help many.

Which helps the greater good?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Couch Time

So, yesterday I hurt my ankle (again) at gymnastics and I couldn't walk on it. The gym lent me crutches and I got home. This morning I can put  a little more pressure on it but it really hurts still. Naturally I texted my coach and asked what to do as I work tomorrow and have practice Tuesday. She said to try and walk on it every 4 hours but otherwise stay off it. Meaning I have to eat today but can't move. This is possibly one of the most terrifying days I've had in a while. I can get through eating usually but I also constantly move. And today I have orders to literally stay still except for every four hours. Meaning I still have like 1.5 more to go before I try again. This is awful. I feel so fat and unwothy. Not to mention a clutz. I already had a minor concussion. Plus, the ankle I hurt already had nerve and ligament issues. And the other one never totally healed from a fracture. Ugh. This sucks. I hate my life. Well parts. Today sucks. Not moving doesn't really work so well for me. I even walk while doing homework. Which I have tons of. But I'm going to start that after my first try walking. I just can't handle all the sitting.

How do you handle eating while not moving?

xo
Aria

Well. Crap.

So today I got weighed. And after the longest week ever, aka Thanksgiving. I lost. BIG SHOCKER. Well not really. I mean without going into specifics, I already kinda knew I had. I wear leotards all the time. I know how they fit. All my clothes are getting bigger. My head is clearer and food is taking longer than ever. I didn't realize how much I was playing with fire. I just don't want to eat more than necessary. I guess I don't really know what that is but nobody does. So, it's kind of a guessing game. And my therapist said something last week that really threw me off. She told me that whether or not I fight it, recovery is going to happen.  And I don't like that I can't even control my own recovery. This blog post isn't so much a lesson or anything but mostly just me catching up with myself if you didn't notice. Haha. I don't even know what I am doing anymore. Like I had the best weekend ever at a gymnastics camp and have a great job and friends and all this amazing stuff. But at the same time I was willing to risk it all just to stay at the bottom of my weight range. And oh look I fell out of it. Like this shouldn't be a surprise but it is?!? I don't even understand myself anymore. On the bright side I still get to practice this week. Yayyy. And I got my copy of Wintergirls back from my therapist. Finally. I mean not everything has been bad. I just can't figure out how I let my minor messing with my meal plan become so major. And I'm angry with myself about it. And don't know if I want to fix it. Which is even more upsetting. I guess the point is... I failed. And I don't know if I can make this right this time.

Anyone else confused?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Tornado (a poem)

The air is cold
But I am sweating
I whirl around and around
Just looking for a way out
It doesn't have to go this way
I can slow down
Nothing has to be destroyed
It is too late
The damage is done
My mind is a war zone
Things torn down and houses gone
There used to be love and happiness
Now all I have left is what I can grab
Nothing more
My motivation was torn
My life destroyed in front of my face
How can I eat now?
I must
But how?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

I'm Still Good

There's a Hannah Montana song called I'm Still Good and right now it kinda describes my life. Saturday night I made a huge mistake and weighed myself. This of course sent me into a tailspin that is still going on. Between restricting and just hating everything... it's been a long couple days. But I was in the car today and this song came on. And it along with my therapist and dietitian who have been crazy supportive, helped me realize that I can stand up. It's okay to slip up. But you can't lay down and let everything slip away. I've worked too hard for that. So, whether it be today or tomorrow, I need to pick myself again and prove that I'm not that broken girl anymore. I can eat. It's scary and I don't want to. But I can. And I have to. I've let this go on for so long. And yes I hate everything about myself right now and may have considered ending everything last night....but I didn't. There's a reason I am here and a reason I have these opportunities. I will pick myself up again and show that I am still good.

How do you come back from a lapse?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Bracelets

I'm not talking about normal bracelets. I am talking about hospital bracelets. Ones from the ER and hospital wards and residential treatment centers. The bracelets with numbers and codes on them. The ones that you get defined by. I have a collection of these. Around 15 or so actually. Some because I was admitted, others because I ripped them off. Every time I get a new one, it only confirms one thing. I am a number, an eating disorder, another "messed up" teenager. When I point this out I end up upsetting people who care about me but it's true. I've been reduced to a number so many times that I am not even sure I am a person anymore. Between bracelets and scars and pounds.... I am a number. The first bracelet confirmed that. And the diagnosis with it confirmed the rest of the numbers after. When I go to the ER I keep the bracelet on for hours after discharge. It feels right. Normal. My wrists feel empty and strange without the laminated paper and plastic. I have become those numbers printed on the bracelets or encoded within them. They define me. I am a number.

How do the numbers make you feel?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Homecoming

Last night was homecoming. Between being uncomfortable with my body and being around someone else with an obvious eating disorder....it was rough. But I made the best of it. Food was quite honestly awful yesterday. Big lapse. But I accept responsibility for it happening. Either way it was my senior homecoming. And it was worth every ounce I had to put on to go.

Sometimes You Just Need A Minute

This week has been so incredibly hard for me with food. I have been sick all week and it just makes everything worse. My anxiety had been anything but under control. And today I had to eat something that kinda terrifies me after a slip last night (see next post). However, today has been full of a lot of thinking. And this is what I came up with.

You don't eat so you can go to bed every night cursing recovery. You don't cry over food so you have a reason to never eat again. You don't grasp at numbers to allow yourself that one bite of something. You eat so that you can try and live without those things. Not just for the big things like school or sports but for the every day things you miss out on. Like watching tv in sweatpants with one of your best friends, laughing when you trip over yourself 30 times in a row, jumping into piles of leaves. You sit and cry over food so that you can do things without food. So that not every meal takes 2 hours. Recovery sucks and is hard and is uncomfortable as hell. But some moments are worth it.

How does being sick affect your mindset?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Maybe I Need...An Exorcism?

Not literally but basically. Yesterday, I was an awful person to my treatment team. I called them names and told them what awful people they are. Don't get me wrong in the moment I meant everything I said. But reading back over the messages, I don't even recognize the person who said them. And my team certainly didn't deserve it. Yes, I was angry and upset and felt trapped. But I could have handled it so much better. My therapist (yes she is still talking to me) and I were discussing it today and she brought up an analogy (so not a shocker). When my eating disorder gets out of hand in my head, I take it out on those around me, almost as if I am possessed. And if last night were the movie version, my head would have been spinning around and I would've have been spitting soup everywhere. This reminded me of parts of the book Brave Girl Eating, where the author's daughter actually speaks her innermost thoughts about herself aloud which the author calls the devil. Except rather than spewing my actual thoughts, I just say really mean things to everyone else. And then I tell them they can fire me or leave me, depending on the relationship. I am terribly scared of being abandoned and I guess I would rather have them leave because I did something than just leave. Point being, maybe I do need to accept that at this moment my eating disorder really kinda is like the devil....ironic considering I don't believe in satan. Which would make every meal an exorcism of sorts.

To end this newly found idea, someone asked me to write a letter to a *person* I hate and well I don't hate any actual people. But at the moment as much as I want to relapse, I also really hate my eating disorder and what I end up saying and doing to protect it. So, I guess here it goes:

Dear Ana,
 You have taken everything from me. Weight, life, friends, fun, everything. I thought we were friends. But now you have turned into someone I never wanted to be. And I hate you for it. Yes, relapse looks nice but nobody is guaranteed to live through their next one and I don't want to die with you at my side.

Have you ever said awful things to people you really care about?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Something to Live For

Wow. This last week has been a roller coaster...and I apologize for not posting sooner. I have been so immensely suicidal and I don't really know why. I don't want to go into details on my thoughts as they can be triggering and aren't really necessary for what I am going to say/ sing. This whole week I have been trying to hold onto everything that I could live for. And every time I  just kept losing sight of them. No, I didn't end up in the ER, thank goodness but I do feel so numb and depressed and just awful. Anyway, the first thing I truly felt this week was pain and then pride. I totally ripped my hands on bars at practice and it hurt and still does but the only reason that happened is because I kept trying even though it hurt and I was scared. And normally I would have just given up. If I had to pick two emotions to feel I would pick those. I can live for those moments. I don't need to live for others or to accomplish some crazy goal or even for recovery. I need to live for moments of accomplishment and moments of defeat that make the former even better. So, yes I feel awful and kinda want to die. But I don't think it is my time just yet.

I said I was gonna sing for you all, and I am. The Command Sisters (see facebook URL at bottom) wrote a beautiful song called "Something to Live For" and I am going to cover it for you.

Here we go.

How do you have to live for?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

https://www.facebook.com/TheCommandSisters?fref=ts

Sooo Clothing

One of my longest held is beliefs is that I should buy clothes that fit and then lose weight till they fall off and then NEVER let them fit again. The problem is that, right now, my clothes fit. Sure, some things are a little big or fit differently. But the problem is them fitting in general. Putting on outfits is becoming increasingly difficult. Things fitting is like on of my biggest fears. I purposefully buy things so that I can feel better when they are draping. My wonderful therapist decided to remind me today that there is no going back. No back-up plan. I have to deal with this like a "normal" person. Meaning no losing the weight, no starving, no anything like that. Pushing through. Dealing with the anxiety without self-sabotaging. Ugh. Is it so bad that I want my clothes to be big? It makes me feel smaller and gave me the ability to gauge my weight since I no longer have a scale. I would like to say that as I am writing this I am having some massive realization that I sound ridiculous....but alas it is not so. I still feel so strange in my clothes and in my body. Almost like I am not connected to it. Or like I am not meant to be in it. I don't really know what that means. I guess it means that I still have major work to do. Which is okay. I just wish this was easier. My back-up plan apparently no longer exists according to my team. So, there is only so much I can do. Plus, having a fourth stay right now, sounds awful and it would mean no gymnastics. Boo! 

Any advice on this?

Stay Strong

xo Aria

I Like Foods?

Liking...food? I know, crazy concept. But apparently I do actually like some foods. I didn't really think about it until I was sitting in therapy eating a muffin (because what else is therapy for). My therapist pointed out that I was eating a blueberry muffin and asked me if I "like" those or chocolate chip ones more. And my first response was which do I LIKE or which do I feel better eating? Of course she wanted to know the first and quite honestly I told her that I like chocolate chip ones more. No, it isn't "healthy" but it tastes really good. I guess what is interesting is that I am figuring out what foods I genuinely like and dislike. Not based on fear (entirely) but whether or not I actually enjoy the taste/ texture of them. For example I HATE the taste of tomatoes, I always have and always will and I HATE the anything orange flavored...it's just gross. But I LOVE peanut butter and I could eat Chipotle pretty much all week. Tomatoes and things that taste or smell like oranges or oranges in general aren't "bad", I just dislike them...a lot. And that's okay. I have also found that somethings I thought I liked, I actually don't. For example, black coffee...not really my cup of tea (see what I did there haha). Or like it turns out that plain lettuce tastes like nothing. Which still is weird to me. But I am learning little things. And each day is a new experience. I like that too.

What foods do you like or dislike?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

I Have Been Waiting To Write This

I get asked a lot what recovery looks like to me and for what seems like forever my answer was always when I am fat enough for everyone to leave me alone. I have told my treatment team that I see their jobs as making me fat and making me be okay with that. I have always considered recovery this far off ridiculous concept for myself. But today, I realized something. For the first time I can say that I am in recovery. I truly am. No, my weight is not exactly where my team wants it quite yet. But my definition of "recovery" has changed. It isn't about weight or food or whether I have bad days or weeks. It's all about my head and the decisions I make. I can work, go to school, do a sport, have friends...and eat. Food and weight have moved so far down on my priorities list. I just have so much going for me right now. Yes, it is a constant choice and a constant fight...recovery doesn't get a day off. Strangely, I am okay with that. I want this. I am making the choice to eat on plan everyday and I choose what I wear. I don't look at thinspo as often, I exercise because I love my sport and my team, and sometimes I even reach out for help. I am nowhere near recovered and that is okay too. I am closer than a week ago and that is all that matters. I am recovering, I am fighting. And I have NEVER been happier. I drank normal Starbucks today, ate extra food because I was with friends and we wanted it, I felt fat but still did what I wanted, I did all my homework. My life is becoming mine. And let me tell you, it feels so good. I don't really know what else to say. I am so shocked to realize how far I have come. I didn't even think about it till I was reading a play for school and noticed the quiet in my head even though I ate all day. To me that is the best part of all. I stopped trying so hard to recover perfectly, which always ended with relapse, and finally let down some of my walls...and now I have made more progress than I ever thought possible. There are so many people who have told me I could do it and have stood by me, and for once I believe them. I can do this. I can recover. For those of you who gave up on me...your mistake not my wrongdoing. Three treatment stays and tons of ER visits are aren't failures. How dare you get annoyed at me for them. I needed them. Hell, I might need a fourth stay sometime and that is okay too. What matters is that I am happy. To everyone that I met because of this journey, thank you for everything you taught me. And for friendships I would be so sad without. I know a lot of you don't believe it is possible to feel okay, I would have said the same thing just a few months ago, I promise it is. And fighting is worth every second. Every tear over a meal or snack. Totally worth it. I have cried over every food and calorie. And it was during those times that I learnt the most about myself and the people around me. There are those who will sit with you and those that will stand outside the room and tell you to get over it. Ignore the second ones, you don't need them. Whether they are friends or family, toxic people aren't needed. Believe me. I hate to say it but sometimes you just need to guard yourself from those closest to you to keep your recovery. But I promise you it will be worth it.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

" I am definitely not the broken girl I used to be"- Demi Lovato

Dear Future Me

A few months ago I posted a letter I wrote to my younger self and what I would want her to know. But the thing is that there's a few things I hope for my future self. So, I wrote myself a letter. Here we go.

Dear Future Me,
Laying here in bed in pain from practice, I can't really imagine what your life is like. I know what I am doing now and what I dream for. I wish for happiness and friends and college and love. I wish for a life worth living. Hopefully, you (I) have that. I hope you got to be happy for real and that you made it to the other side.  I hope you follow your dreams and that you love the life YOU chose. I don't know where we are or what we are doing. The future doesn't even seem real. But I want you to know that we are so strong and that you should never forget where you came from. Competing this year was never in the cards...we did it. I guess I only have two questions...

Was it worth it?

Are you happy?

Love,
You

What would you say to your future self?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Wow That Is Just Awesome

The first time I went into treatment: I did not think I had a problem, I thought I was eating plenty and I for sure did not think I had a problem. Obviously, some people around me disagreed and that is how my long journey to here got started. What I did not know was that some people agreed with me! Yesterday I was talking with my mom and somehow we got on the topic of my weight and how I want to know what it is. And somewhere in that conversation she let it slip that a good amount of people (both family and friends) had told her when I went away that it was ridiculous for I was not skinny enough. I did not look sick. I had simply lost weight and sending me away for an "eating disorder"( because obviously I didn't have one)...was crazy. I often find myself believing that I am not sick enough, that I never have been, I'm a not a "good" Anorexic. But now I know that my beliefs about myself aren't mine alone. Other people feel the same way about my body. I can only imagine what they thought when I went in the second time as I weighed more than the first and the third time I only weighed a slight bit less. All this time I have been told that I got too small and that I was "thin enough", but maybe not. As you can all tell, this has thoroughly messed with me. In fact I almost killed myself over it. But the fact is that as much as knowing this hurts and as much as it kills me...they will never know what I go through. And good for them because it is hell. Guess what? An eating disorder is an eating disorder. I don't care what you weigh. I had just as much of a problem then as I did the third time. No, I have never been crazy underweight. But I do have an eating disorder. And the fact that finding this out made me almost off myself tells me just how far I have to go. Since I do not post numbers on this blog...at the bottom I will post 4 pictures, one from before each stay and one of me now. No I am not totally healthy but I can tell you I am happier than in any of the earlier pictures.

What do you do when you find out hard things?

Stay Strong Aria

Before First Stay

Before Second Stay ( I am sitting down)

Before Third Stay 

And Now

Yom Kippur And An Eating Disorder

Yom Kippur is the holiest day of the year in the Jewish religion and is not taken lightly. This particular holiday involves fasting in order to repent for your sins. I have fasted for as long as I can remember. Exceot two years ago when I was in the beginning of my treatment stay. In fact I even fasted last year ( no my treatment team did not approve). This year I promised them I eat today as fasting could possibly kill me. And Pikuach Nefesh (saving of a life) is above all else in the Jewish religion. Needless to say, eating last night through today was awful, the guilt was immeasurable. If I could, I would purge it all. Today would have been easier to keep food away from me. But I wasn't allowed to. At the same time you are supposed to fast in order to feel discomfort and eating gave me that feeling more than fasting ever will. As usual I had an appointment with my dietitian today and after finding that my weight isn't doing anything near what it needs to and how badly my stomach has been rejecting food and water..I have come to realize that as much as I feel like an "awful Jew" for not completely fasting today, I do see the Pikuach Nefesh. Hopefully next year I have gotten to the point where I am allowed to fast because my body will have healed itself and that it won't cause a relapse. Yom Kippur is all about asking G-D for forgiveness for all the sins you committed against him. In a way, my eating disorder is just that, so I truly hope that I am forgiven and written for a good year. For all who fasted, I hope that it doesn't hurt you and for those that are in the same boat as me...be easy on yourself.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

The Music Box- A Poem

Round and Round and Round I Go
Same Places Same Faces With Nothing To Show
I Spin and I Twirl for All To See
They Say My Dance is So Pretty
Little Do They Know How Stuck I Feel
In My Little Old Box With Corners of Steel
I Wear a Pink TuTu That Flares Out Just Right
And When They Shut Me Down at Night
My Thoughts Suddenly Become a Reality
For the Little Dancer They All Know so Well
Doesn't Like to Dance at all
She Feels Lost and Alone and Fears a Terrible Fright
So She Takes a Few Pills To Make Everything Alright
I Lay in My Box All Quiet and Sound
Hoping in the Morning I am Too Be Found
And Once Again Start My Little Dance
My Little Pink TuTu Will Pop Up With Glee
As Long as the Pills Don't Kill Me
Round and Round and Round I Go, When Will I Stop?
Nobody Knows

Stay Strong
xo Aria

New Year....New Me?

Thursday is Rosh Hashanah or the Jewish New Year. As we prepare to enter year 5774, I am taking time to reflect on this past year. This time last year I was freshly out of treatment for the second time and starting junior year of high school. I didn't think I would recover and knew for sure I wouldn't keep my weight where it was. I didn't have much of a grasp on anything and personally I just wasn't that great of a person. I don't remember much of the early parts of 5773...probably because I couldn't think straight. Over this past year, I have learnt so much. I have been pushed further than I ever thought possible and I have pushed other people so far I worried they would leave me. I landed back in treatment, I almost died multiple times, I hurt myself, I fought getting better, I lost friends. But I also got out of treatment, lived, stopped self-harming, I had some truly happy moments, and learnt who my friends are.

The point of this post is more than to reflect on whether or not I wasted 5773 but rather to ask for forgiveness and give thanks. Let us start with the former. For those of you that I hurt or didn't help enough or made worry...I am completely and utterly sorry. I shouldn't have treated you the way I did, you deserve so much better. You are all such incredible people. For those I didn't help enough, I wish I could have. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in myself, I probably could've done more. I probably could have given the help you wanted from me. And for those I made worry. To you all, I am the sorriest of all. You shouldn't have had to worry about me. You still don't have too. I know I don't always take the greatest care of myself, but a large amount of you, have more important things to worry about than me. I am truly sorry for taking up space in your mind that I don't deserve. I hope all of you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Now I would also like to thank certain people or groups of people. To my treatment team, yes I do complain about you two a whole awful lot...but when it comes down to it, you haven't left my side and for that I thank you. You have been there through countless ups and downs and dealt with me and my ridiculousness on too many occasions. As I sit here typing, part of me is worried that soon you will give up and just fire me. Just know that even if you do, I am still eternally grateful to have you as my team. To my family, you will never read this as you don't have my URL but as much as I complain about you guys and we fight...I love each and every member. From mom and dad to my cousins. You each have a different relationship with me and I don't know what I do without all of your support. To Becca and Joe (and Kol and Jesse), not many people can claim they have two places to call home. But I can and that is so amazing. Over this year, you all have become family to me and I don't know if I would be the person I am today without that. I have learnt so much from you. Everything from how to be preppy (sometimes it IS necessary) to how to be a superhero (you do need a cape).You all have had every oppurtunity to give up on me and kick me out of your house and never have. Thank you. To my friends, there really isn't much to say that I haven't told you each in person. You made me appreciate things I never noticed, you shut up me up when I say how awful I look, you have gotten me through treatment stays, you have never left my side. And this year we will graduate together. I am so happy to have each of you in my life. I love you guys so so much.

So, yes 5773 was a long tumultuous year...but it was also an incredible and fun one. I am so excited to see what 5774 has to bring!

Stay Strong
xo Aria