Dear My Therapist

First off l, I want to say that I am writing this as a blog post because I cannot always find words and because I don't want to hand you a letter. There are so many things I want to tell you and either I don't articulate them well or you don't listen.... But either way I will write some of them here.

1. I can see the concern in your eyes during some of our conversations. I can tell that you care. I also notice when your body language changes. You do a good job of hiding when you feel worried or uncomfortable or anything kind of unpleasant. But I notice. And I thought you should know.

2. I understand why you want me to go back to treatment. I actually do listen: sometimes I don't understand but I try. I know I don't always do the healthiest thing. But I can tell you that I am eating and eating on meal plan. I can tell you that babysitting tonight I ate the same foods I made the kids. And that even though there is guilt, I got through it. It's amazing what little kids and a good book can do.

3. A lot of the time when I tell you how things affect me, I don't want them analyzed. I just want to feel validated ( see earlier post "screaming through the tears"). Point being why express emotion if my emotion is always wrong?

4. The fact that you seem to believe in me.... Means everything. No therapist had ever told me I could recover. Just like when I said how nobody told me starving was necessarily unhealthy but that there are healthier ways to live. I don't lie when it comes to that sort of thing.

And finally...

5. I haven't lied about food in a long time. It's about time you trust me about it. I can't lie to you about it anymore than I can lie to Bobbi. And I can't.

.....

I really hope all of you can find a therapist that you trust. Have any of you tried to communicate other than verbally?

Stay Strong
xo Aria