Watching my entire life fall apart is becoming extremely exhausting and trying to remain positive is becoming so hard. Within a week I lost my best friend, found out I failed a class, and got a basic treatment intake date. My world is literally falling to pieces in front of my face. I almost cut today..I stopped..but I seriously considered it. I have fought so hard to stop self-harming and now the urges are back. I am trying so hard to push through this. But now I'm worried that in leaving for treatment, more of my friends will leave and I will come back to nothing. I'm worried that I will never get to go to college. And I don't even know what I want out of treatment anymore. Last week, I was so so recovery positive but now I kinda just want to waste away and be nothing. Nothing is better than being seen breaking down. I mean I guess it is. I'm not quite ready to give up, but I'm not sure fighting will get me anywhere anymore. I've fought like a bitch for weeks and it got me nowhere. Gosh this post is so negative. I would like to point out that there are some really good things going on too. Running for USY president, talking to Kaitlyn Wozniak, and seeing friends I haven't seen in forever. I just don't know if they outweigh the bad. It's a good thing I don't sleep so I can think this through. This needs to be figured out before I can move onto other things...like all the actual things I need to do. You know? Like actual life things? Unless you count these as actual life things but I don't just mindless things that happen to make life a living hell for a few weeks. Good thing one of my fave sayings is that without the bad in our lives, we wouldn't be able to recognize the good. SO, hopefully when my head is clear, I will see how good things can be. Fingers crossed. I don't even know what the point of this post was. Just venting...anybody else having a crappy week? Or a really good one that they want to share???
What do you do to get yourself out of a major upsetting mindset?
Stay Strong
xo Aria
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