Dear Life

Dear  Life,

Part of you seems to elude me. I don’t understand your purpose. Sometimes I’m not sure if I truly exist, never mind am living. I walk around, half alive/ half dead hoping that I can see the lives of other people grow brighter. But my own life is dim. I live off of numbers and statistics. How many calories are in a pound, how much weight I still need to lose. No matter the number I reach, I can’t seem to grasp you as others have. Sometimes I doubt your existence. That is until I see it. I see it in the eyes of children jumping rope and in the eyes of couples falling in love. I know you exist somewhere. I wonder endlessly why I don’t feel you. I am a zombie in the world of the living. Not quite sure where I belong. Not dead, yet certainly not as alive as most. Is there a secret to finding you? Some sort of key? I wish I knew where to look. Something to warm my dying heart.  Something that would should me life beyond this grave.  I want to see the world through the eyes of living. But you are so far out of reach. Far out where I dare not go out of fear. I don’t know what you bring. What heartache and turmoil would follow. I’ve heard the living praise you and the dead scorn you. Where am I on that scale? Where do I fit in? I don’t feel as broken as I once was, but nobody believes me to be fixed. So, you still don’t want me in your group of happiness. I am aware that you elude many on this planet and possibly others far beyond, but why? Not why me. But why us? Why are some of us meant to live in the crossroad of life and death? How do we know which path to take? There are no signs or guides, almost like a test. Maybe that’s what you are. A test to see if we choose to pretend we are a part of your elite group of happy people, or to see if we follow our predecessors and turn from you. You confuse me greatly. I suppose that is common though. I just wish I could spend a day and see why the living enjoy it. Hopefully, never knowing the deaths that hate you. I’d much rather die knowing fighting for you was worth it. But. I. Don’t. Know. You.

Stay Strong

xo Aria