Yes, I know, when going through recovery it is important to learn to deal with feelings. But they are AWFUL. I hate feelings. They usually end with me feeling bad about myself and for others. Feelings make us vulnerable and show others that we feel differently from them. I was taught long ago that you don't show emotions, you suck it up. I will give two examples before moving on.
1. When I was ten years old, one of my aunts gave me a present for my birthday. I didn't exactly love it but I did say thank you and keep it. But apparently that wasn't the response she wanted. Every year since then I haven't been given a present. She told me it was because if I was ungrateful then I don't deserve her presents. But I did deserve to watch my cousin open her presents when we all got together. I apologized profusely but it didn't matter, I showed the wrong emotion and was subsequently punished.
2. My grandmother lives on the top floor of an apartment building, I am approximately nine years old. Her balcony has a railing with spaces in-between each bar. My knee got caught in-between two of them. Being my nine year old self, I started crying. But nobody came to my rescue. I got it out myself and then got yelled at for making a scene and that I could have broken her railing. So, I put on a happy face and acted like I never got hurt.
I don't appreciate my own feelings. They have brought me nothing by being shown. It is much easier for me to put on the face that makes sense in the moment. What if how I feel doesn't match their expectations? Then I did something wrong and they are upset. It isn't worth it.
How did you learn that feelings aren't all bad?
Stay Strong
xo Aria
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