Everybody with an eating disorder has heard the sentence, "Just eat". To be quite honest, my usual response to this is, "oh my gosh that's exactly what I needed to hear. I can't believe I never thought of that". Knowing to eat is not the problem. I know that eating is what human beings need to do. But a part of me, says not to. Eating actually feels wrong. Like I am disobeying myself, breaking a rule. Anybody who has worked with me on a treatment level, has been asked from me if it is really okay for me to eat. I won't eat unless they say it's okay. I feel like I am doing something so awful and wrong that it creates immeasurable guilt. Just eating isn't allowed in my head. Everything has to be justified. EVERYTHING. I feel like a little kid who just wants to stay out of trouble. Not get put in time-out. Except the time-out is in my head and it is so much worse. Disobeying the thoughts puts me in a tizzy. I search forever for a means of justification. It could anything. Like I can eat this meal because my breakfast was only a Luna bar. Justifying is like my way of explaining why I misbehaved.
I am often asked how I can ignore hunger. Well, if you were going to get in trouble for something, would you give into it? I don't have permission to eat. I don't feel like it is okay to that. I legitimately have to ask before even following my meal plan. I need to know that I have been granted the right to eat that day. But the rule is that I cannot give myself permission because I cannot be trusted. I could accidentally eat too much.
SO the question becomes, when do I get unlimited permission to eat? A few answers come to my mind. Usually when I do something I am not supposed to enough times, I get permission. That's why I am allowed to dye my hair. Another possibility is that I never get that right. Like I am not allowed to get more ear piercings. Lastly, I guess eventually I could earn the right. Just like how when you turn 21 you can drink. But I am not sure how eating works. Which of those is it like? Or is it like none of those?
My youth director actually made me a "License to Eat" so that I have permission all the time, sort of like a driver's license. But is unlimited permission better than none?
Do any of you struggle with giving yourself permission to eat?
Stay Strong
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