The Scariest Thing of All

I'm assuming that most of you reading this are waiting for me to say that the scariest thing of all is food or recovery. You would be right...and wrong. On a day to day basis those are what scare me the most. But overall, not helping people and having them hate me for it, scares me to the core. My therapist often uses the analogy of giving away my recovery. Every time I help somebody over and over and allow it to take prevalence, I am giving them my recovery. Which on most days is shaky. I spend most of my day time hours and night time helping people. Texting them to get through a meal, calling them to get them to stop purging. By the end of the day I am exhausted and drained. With nobody to turn to. Something that is often pointed out to me is the need to establish boundaries in the beginning stages of recovery. I am still in those after all. Last time during treatment I tried my best to set some up, but they fell quickly when I noticed my friends falling apart. I blame myself for that, even though I was told that those people should have respected the lines better. Nevertheless the boundaries are long gone. At this point I am very close to a third treatment stay, and deep down I know that helping others 24/7 is not what I should be doing. That is not to say that I won't help you anymore, but that I simply cannot be the one to hold you up. My feet are barely sturdy enough for myself. There are tears streaming my face as I write this and I can only hope you all don't hate me for stepping back some to focus on myself. If you do, I understand. If not, then thank you. This is actually the hardest thing I have ever had to write. I can honestly say that I feel awful knowing that those I help, need it. But I simply can't. The breakdowns are becoming too frequent, and I need to figure things out. I'm sorry. I will keep blogging however. I am not going away. Just stepping back. Please understand.

Stay Strong
xo Aria